Nobody Likes Onions

We’re joined in the studio by Deric and Bri of the super-failure of a podcast they used to run. I think it was called Eat Your Cake, or Dots and Stripes. Anyway, they’re super funny and they join us for the show. We talk about their old show, their new marriage, and what they’re both doing with their lives. We take your calls, bust some myths, and Johnny even busts out in song (shocker). It’s a fun show for people who like fun things.

Fresh back from a week off and a week away, the guys talk about their trip to Mississippi, and the bad beats that ensued. We try to keep the poker talk to a minimum, and focus on the trip itself and Patrick’s complete inability to deal with flying when it’s bumpy. He gives his thoughts on clouds and physics, and then we get a visit from a friend of Chef’s. We cap it off with voicemails, emails, and some news stories. It’s a long episode to get us back in the swing.

This show covers a lot on the subject of kittas and doggas. Jake has some advice for Patrick on how to handle the trials that come along with women and cats. We also talk about Jake’s major motion picture film project, answer relationship questions from listeners, and tackle an ‘Is It Gay?’ question. We discuss more comedy inside iggys, and, um, stuff.

It’s a pretty big night, right? Three hundred shows is a lot. I mean, when you think about it, that’s like 300 things you’ve downloaded and listened to from us. At least. I mean, if you’re a big fan and all, anyway. Maybe you aren’t though. Maybe this is your fourteenth show. Maybe it’s your eighty-seventh. Who are we to put numbers on things? I mean, what is a number anyway? It’s just a meaningless label for a thing. So did we throw a big party? Did we ...more

Top of the cornin’ to ya! This is a worldly show, where our fearless tour guide is none other than the Kernel himself. Avast ye maties! This is the only Irish/American/Australian corn pirate to sail the seven seas since the dawn of time. Ahoy! Down under! Arrrrgggghhhh! It’s about pirates, and corn, and umbrellas for the heads of the women-folk. Imagination be the word o’ the hour, kids! All aboard who’s going ashore! Plunder!

Sometime when you’re listening to the show, you have so much fun that you forget about the fact that you aren’t funny. You forget about the fact that you have about as much redeeming comedy value as a bag of mulch. And then you call in, try to be funny, and fall on your face in a big pile of failure. We talk about a new black search engine, stupid kids and their lack of talent, and your calls and voicemails. It’s a good time.

The guys get energized with a new drink sponsor, and they decide to give out iloveblow.com t-shirts to all the lady callers. Of course, what would any women’s promotion be with some scamming bitch calling in and trying to run some silly game. We cover news stories in rapid-fire succession. We talk about Chef’s birthday. A woman calls and accuses Patrick of being close-minded when it comes to his disdain for seafood. We also talk about the new NLOL DVD game.

This show is about beefing up and getting things done. We talk about how Johnny is on a kick of drinking a high protein muscle milk, and then switches to blueberry flavored white tea. We also talk about winning the lottery, getting high, and getting revenge. We talk about a comedy club that has done wrong by Johnny, the stupid podcast they produce, and a web blog that recently took a jab at NLO. Perhaps it’s time for the listeners to rally and let people know what’s what.

It’s a live show with special guest, Sean the Stalker. We talk about Patrick and his new kitty. You should hear him talk to it in baby talk. It’s totally gay. The great debate over the cat name continues, Chef hates Chewy and the cat, and Johnny is neutral on the whole situation. We talk to Dick Masterson, the guy making the rounds on the internet for his strong chastising of women. He is the author of Men Are Better Than Women and recently appeared on the Dr. Phil show. Laughs aboun...more

Patrick gets personal, tries and new energy and lights the room on fire with nonsense. We talk about some news stories where people got killed for ridiculous reasons. We end the show with some voicemails and the complete deconstruction of a song you may or may not have ever heard. I mean, most people probably haven’t, but then again, some people probably. But if you haven’t, you will still enjoy the show. But if you have, you will enjoy it even more. But, again, either way is good. S...more

We didn’t play any April Fool’s Day pranks on you! April Fool’s! Here’s a show where we talk about a myriad of things, like toe nails, guys with claws eating pizza, the new NLOL DVD, and much more. Some stories about Christmas, and looking through your presents before you’re supposed to. Then some old crotchety reporters go at it because they hate each other in real life. Then theres some other stuff about some things, topped off with a little woo woo wakka wakka. I...more

We’re back after not being on for a week with a whiz-bang show. We don’t even know what that means. Joining the guys in the studio today is special guest, comedian Marc Maron. You may have seen Marc on Letterman, Tough Crowd, Comedy Central Presents, HBO, Conan O’Brien, or any other show that has comedians on it regularly. Marc gives us his thoughts on race, politics, current events and more. Definitely check him out when he comes to a comedy club near you.

Tony revives The Wrath of Gaud, we talk about Jews and give Chef a good ribbing. Johnny is convinced that he has foreskin even though he is circumcised, and we listen to a lot of your voicemails and go over your emails. One email is about a guy who jacked off and then killed a spider that ate his sticky seed. It might be the most disgusting thing ever. Then again, it might be right up your alley. It’s so hard to tell what you kids are into these days.

Customer service. The phrase is batted around quite a bit these days. As you know if you’re a big fan of the show, the guys never seem to have much luck with good service when they go out. Patrick and Chef recap an experience with a server that they left out of the Biloxi recap show. This bitch gives a whole new meaning to the word “ignore”. We also talk about news stories, from a goth girl who got killed by a kid to the stupid British people and their solutions to being dumb. ...more

Dude, why hasn’t there been a show? Dude, is NLO dead? I heard Patrick just gave up. What an asshole. Calm down, kids. We’ve just been busy, sick, out of state, and working on more important things. Here’s a 90+ minute episode for you all to load up on your pods and listen to. We just can’t win. You people have the patience of a tit mouse. I don’t even know what the patient of a tit mouse is like, but I’m sticking by my metaphor. This show is a Biloxi trip rec...more

We discuss Johnny not being on the show recently, and find out he’s been exploring other options. Ultimately it all comes out on this “Throw Johnny Under The Bus” Friday. We talk about his future on the show and issue a challenge to one person who has stepped up to take his place. We talk about mosh pits, fears of flying, licking boners and much more. We also comment on the recent video of a marine throwing a puppy to its death, and find out the adversity black shelter puppies ...more

This show is brought to you by Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Carbon Monoxide poisoning - it’s not just for breakfast anymore. We examine the intricacies and uncomfortable nature of sex, talk about ice cream and potato chips. We also reaffirm our strong belief that Be Kind Rewind is the single worst pile of crap movie ever placed into existence. We invite you to submit your reviews and opinions, so we can applaud your sense of taste or make you look like the dummy you are. Dummy.

Did you know that the guy that played Donkey Lips on that stupid Nickelodeon show is trying to be a rapper? Oh man! He has a MySpace page and everything, right now. We explore that, and flash back to another Nickelodeon hit - “You Can’t Do That On Television”. We talk about the movie “Be Kind Rewind”, or as we like to call it “the end of Jack Black’s career”. Seriously, it might be the biggest steaming pile of crap to ever grace a theatrical screen...more

It’s a live show with the usual suspects. It’s surprisingly uneventful. We talk about Obama, the election, how NLO is getting people in trouble with the “N” word, who’s dick is the biggest, having a crush and making out with your cousin, Johnny B Tech Support, and some other stuff. We have a new store, we’re going to Biloxi and Las Vegas, and we’ve got some details about it. We take a few calls, sing a few songs, then get the hell out.

Chef returns to the program after his week-long absence. He’s been in Biloxi playing cards, and winning. Patrick confronts him about his loyalty and commitment to the show. The guys talk about making rubber replicas of their manhood. There’s even some singing, as Carrie Underwood’s spite-filled pop/rock fills the studio. We discuss our Vegas and Biloxi trips, and some other odds and ends.

Happy “Throw Johnny Under The Bus” Friday, everybody! In this show, Dagre and Biggs are sitting in again and we get a little more personal with the man behind the muppet voice. We find out Biggs has left a trail of ex-wives and children in his wake, and we just have to know more. It’s amazing what you can find out about someone on the Internet these days, isn’t it? Oh, Biggs.

It’s sad that I even have to put a show like this up. I feel like I’m tying a message to the foot of a carrier pigeon to deliver it to the people it needs to get to. It’s sad that people can’t just fucking talk, and maybe agree that they are both being asses. It’s sad that this much effort gets put in to stupid arguments that don’t mean anything in the big picture. This is all that you’re going to hear about this from us. Regular shows continue tomorrow....more

It’s a live show kids, and to celebrate Dagre is back to add his patented blend of drunk mediocrity to the program. We also introduce Biggs, who might be the most silent guest to grace the NLO studio. We talk about the weather, school shootings, poker and kids. We take a look at the life of a spoiled princess who lives completely outside the realm of reality. We also talk about what happens when people spew lies. It’s not nice, and you shouldn’t do it. For shame.

Roy joins Johnny and Patrick in the studio for a show all about treating each other with respect and kindness. We talk about movies, American Idol, and we uncover that Roy has been working on a script for a movie. We ask questions about Roy’s quest to write the perfect romantic comedy, and he tells us all about it. As fate would have it, his idea isn’t half bad. We also talk about a new Johnny segment idea and bring back “Is It Gay?” for another run. Download and enjoy. ...more

In this show we talk about NLO merchandise and why you should order some today. We throw Johnny under the bus when we talk about some video games sent to us by a fan, and dissect Johnny a little deeper than in past shows. We also go over some items on the forums, emails and voicemails. We even go through a goodie package from a fan containing books and some obscure candies. There’s clapping and stuff, too. It’s super catchy. You’re sure to enjoy it.

It’s a live show, and it’s the day before Valentine’s Day. When it comes to a bunch of fat guys in a room talking about love, there is one topic that you know is going to be brought up. We discuss the worst restaurant foods across the country, the biggest fast food industry blunders, and what the perfect Valentine’s Day date is. Some say go all out and go big, and some say keep it small and simple. We take your calls and try to make you laugh.

It’s just Patrick and Chef, talking politics, health and safety, and how to act on the forums. Angry Patrick rears his head to tell people how to act in emails, we do some voicemails, and Patrick looks dumb because he can’t pronounce a word correctly. It’s funny because he’s dumb.

I got an email today that said NLO promised big things for 2008. It’s true, we did. But they said that we weren’t living up to the hype. They said we were burnt out. They said we do short shows with segments about stupid topics like vacuum cleaners. If you agree, you might not want to listen to this show. Because it’s dumb. Real dumb. I like sleep time.

This show features stories of death-defying driving skills, a new song, a recap of the Super Bowl and it’s lackluster commercials, and more. Halfway through, the callers get out of hand and we disconnect the live feed and continue without you. Why do you have to be naughty little bitches? This is why we can’t have nice things. Regardless, the show goes on with discussions of Jake’s car and how he got royally screwed. Oh man, we even brought the KBB in on this shit right now. ...more

This show has more. More Kimmy the Kidder. More making fun of singers. More mocking of callers and emailers. More laughs per minute than a comedy thing. It’s like a showy show show thing thing. I like panda bears. Everything is fuzzy. Where’s my garage door opener? I think it’s possible for David Blane to eat koala bears naked. So what if we don’t have a sexually transmitted disease? I’m still worthwhile. Fuzz tickle.

Some people think we are mean. Some people say that we just pick on people to make ourselves feel better. Some people say we’re nothing more than bullies who prey on the insecurities of others in order to boost our own moral. Maybe part of that is true, but you have to admit that we are generally hilarious when we do so. That’s why this show is funny. Because we make fun of people who have done nothing to us. We really are just a bunch of jerks. For shame, NLO. For shame.

The egos around this place really are astounding. There is nothing more insecure than a bunch of comedians sitting in a room and trying not to say something stupid. We’ve yet to get through an entire show accomplishing just that. Roy joins Patrick and Chef in this show, which is full of hostility and accusations, but it’s all said in love. Chef tries to become the new Johnny B, Roy still can’t talk in to the microphone, and Patrick loses a silence contest. What’s a silenc...more

If you enjoy singing, and we think you do, you might enjoy this episode. Because on the one hand there is lots of singing, but on the other hand it gets really annoying and the songs aren’t that good. But if you like emo music, you might like it. But if you hate pop bullshit you might hate it. But if you like dead actors, you may like it. But if you hate American Idol, you may hate it. Who are we to tell you what’s what? You listen and decide on your own. Pretend you’re America...more

Visit www.adameve.com/onions today for a very special deal - 50% off almost any item. In this show, we talk about vacuums, vacuuming, how vacuuming used to be fun, and how vacuuming is fun again. Doesn’t the word “vacuum” look funny? It looks like it shouldn’t have two U’s, and maybe should have two C’s, but that would be wrong. It’s spelled right here. We have access to an extensive collection of dictionary-type books, as well as the internet. Pantswise...more

If you’ve ever wished there was a podcast dedicated to telling you everything there is to know about tea, drinking tea, the manufacturing and processing of tea, and what not to do with tea, this might be the show for you. Vinny joins Patrick and Johnny in the studio to talk about his gigantic head, how his wife pleases him, and much, much more. Beverages, women, religion, and your voicemails and emails. It’s the best show in awhile. Trust us - we hardly ever brag. Mostly because of t...more

We’re back for a Friday show…ON YOUR FACE! Roy joins the program for the first time in the 2008 time, and he has a special announcement and offer just for NLO listeners. We offer a fan some intimate love advice - after all, that’s what we are here for. We talk about people rummaging through the garbage, a Golf Channel reporter making a “racist” remark about Tiger Woods, and Johnny fills us in on his the latest happenings in his life, including his super fat friends...more

What do you get when you combine a ton of phone calls that have absolutely no point with a few stories that have nothing to do with each other? An NLO live show, of course. In this show we get some podcasting advice from an expert listener, we issue a challenge to our favorite poker podcast rival. It’s entertaining at points, and mind numbing at others. You decide what’s what…on your face!

Happy 2008, kids. We kick off the year with a super boring show. In this episode, Chef and Patrick recap their Vegas adventure. It includes Arabs, a detailed description of the Memphis airport, and almost dying as they landed in Las Vegas. It’s a thrill ride with tangents and unimpressive stories. You’re still going to listen, though. Mostly because you haven’t had a show in two weeks, and you’d probably listen to a recording of a dog sleeping right now. We so own you. ...more

IIn this show, the gang talks about Christmas, the new year, and things not to do during the holidays. For instance, don’t stab the people you love for looking at presents early. Don’t electrocute yourself hanging Christmas lights. Don’t try to cut around traffic if you might piss of other drivers. Most importantly, and this goes all year long, whether it’s Christmas time or not - you are not now, nor have you ever been, a fire mage. Throwing gasoline on your friends is n...more

In this show, Patrick goes over a couple recent emails he has received regarding adolescent fans of the show. Something is wrong with the youth of today when they are listening to this show, and contacting us like we owe them something. Get a job, kids. Unless you’re autistic, in which case you should probably turn yourself in to child protective services, because your parents are probably too lazy to, you know, parent you. WTF people. WTF.

Sometimes things don’t go as planned, and stuff just needs to get talked out. That’s what happened on this long, live show. If ever there was a night and day, roller coaster of a show, this is it. We go from talking of herpes and warts, to talking about Johnny’s B-havior as of late. After a long break, we tighten the bolts on the funny-mobile and take the show in for a smooth landing.

The guys went and saw I Am Legend and give their comprehensive review. When I say comprehensive, I mean they talk about it for about 5 minutes and then conversational ADD kicks in and they move on to other topics. But the other topics are just as good. What are the other topics, you ask? Johnny B’s Bit Idea of the Week, letters to Santa, Jessica Simpson, entertaining the military, and more. We even answer a couple “Is It Gay?” questions for the first time in weeks.

Patrick receives a gift from a fan in the form of a revolutionary new technology that helps you sleep cooler than ever. Will it work? Is it as ridiculous as it’s name? Basically it’s a bag of water. Who wants to sleep on a bag of water? People with waterbeds, I suppose. Regardless, this thing claims to be an awesome pillow, but we’ve got a hunch it’s a sham! Skidoo!

Have you ever had one of those days? One of what days? Oh, right. You know. One of those days where nothing goes right, and people are constantly messing with your life. So many people just keep screwing you over that you start to think you’re on a new season of Punk’d - one where they play pranks on normal, non-important people, rather than celebrities. Basically Candid Camera. Or The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. Or Boiling Point. It’s been done a million times. The point is, don...more

Happy Chanukwah. Channakuhah. Channahanneehu? Chewbaccah. Anyway, happy Jewish days. Get out the menorah and dust off the bottles of Manischewitz. Tonight we’re joined by twice the Tom Joolery. We have Chef and Jeff, both Jews. Both Jews that don’t really know much about anything Jewish. It’s like they’re just phoning it in. What would your ancestors think, guys? Show a little enjewsiasm for your religion. It’s time to jewnite and work together. Throw some Kosher mu...more

It’s a show with just Patrick and Roy. I bet you’ve been dreaming about a show like this. Just two guys doing stuff, like guys do. We talk about fecal matter quite a bit, including a woman who had to ingest her daughter’s excrement in order to survive. We also talk about a new game show coming to Fox this January, where sparks are sure to fly. Couple that with some remarks by Patrick that are sure to piss off Roy’s wife, and we tie the bow on this so-called show.

It’s a super long live show, with Patrick, Johnny and Roy. We talk about cowbells, shopping for crap on Black Friday, pigging out on Thanksgiving, and so much more. We talk about the comedy business and how it can sometimes seem unfair and cruel. We take your calls and your questions, and introduce a new segment - the Johnny B Bit Idea of the Week. It’s met with little fanfair, and almost doesn’t happen at all. There’s something for everyone.

Can’t get the stink off. He’s been hanging round for days. Comes like a comet. Suckered you but not your friends. One day he’ll get to you and teach you how to be a holy cow. Don’t get my sympathy hanging out the 15th floor. You’ve changed the locks three times. He still comes reeling through the door. One day I’ll get to you and teach you how to get to purest hell.

You got four shows this week. You must be doing something right. Or we must just be bored and have no lives. I don’t have time to get to the bottom of this right now. The point is, here’s another show where we talk about fun topics, like a fat man who got cremated and started a grease fire, and a guy who emailed Patrick about how he is doing his part to prevent global warning by jumping into cold water. Makes sense, doesn’t it? No, of course not. Enjoy.

Everyone just calm the fuck down. We’re not going anywhere, and we’re not about to let some idiots with itchy forum fingers get off the hook easily. We talk about Chef’s bad day, how Chef and Patrick are getting more and more gay by the day, and even a little poker discussion. We’re pretty sure you’re going to like it. There’s a voicemail from a guy that loves Jimmy Dean sausages, but doesn’t approve of their recent marketing tactics. The hilarity shall ...more

Some people don’t like Patrick chewing gum. Patrick likes chewing gum. What can you do? Sometimes things just have to be the way they’re going to be. Learn to live with it, and stop making everything into a federal case. Or don’t. We’re fine making this sound likes every other steaming pile of podcast crap out there. To be honest, it kind of makes our pink parts tingle when we piss off a few people to the point of anger. Grrr, people. Grrr, indeed.

Lights go out and I can’t be saved. Tides that I tried to swim against. Brought me down upon my knees. Oh I beg, I beg and plead. Singin’, come out if things aren’t said. Shoot an apple off my head. And a, trouble that can’t be named. Tigers waitin’ to be tamed. Confusion never stops. Closing walls and ticking clocks. Gonna, come back and take you home. I could not stop that you now know. Singin’, come out upon my seas. Curse missed opportunities. Am I a part of the cure. Or am I par...more

Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and old flapjacks, I don’t care if the pitcher does crack. It’s root, root beer and then ice cream. I can’t drive in the rain. ‘Cause it’s one, two, three lights go out if you sleep on a train. OK. I don’t know what any of that means. This show has drugs, baseball, poop, gays, and poker. It’s like a buffet of comedy. For your ears. Or the bones in your ears. It’s cartilage. ...more

It’s a live show that’s got a little extra length to it. Roy joins the regulars in the studio to pilot a racially charged show straight to that sweet honey pot that only NLO can. We talk about Hispanic living conditions, Kanye West’s dead mother, the intricate workings of the vagina, and how Patrick fought the law, and the law seems to be winning. Enjoy, kids.

This show features a special unexpected guest. No, not your mom. We talk about all sorts of fun topics, from sex to cheesecake. We even talk about how hot an 88 year-old-old grandma might be to the mature, discerning eye. Granted, 88 sounds spry after we discuss a story where a guy has sex with a 92-year-old corpse. That’s what we said! Corpse - super hot! We finish the show strong by blasting through all the “is it gay” emails that have come in over the past couple weeks.

It’s the small things we don’t think about from day to day that make living in America great. We’re truly blessed. We have it so much easier than other people, and yet we choose to complain about the small stuff. Like when we go get our cars detailed and the minority doing the detailing screws it up and acts inappropriately. That’s just rude. Or what about when you lose a million dollars through a hole in your pocket? Sucks, doesn’t it? Psssh…

There’s not much to say. So…yeah.

Happy Halloween, kids. It’s time for tricking or treating, and we will leave it up to you to decide which this show is. It’s a longer show, because we’ve got Jake in the studio. Who’s Jake? Who’s Jake? Who the hell are YOU? That’s who Jake is. He is a local comedian struggling to find his way in the world. But aren’t we all? I mean, the world is a stage, and we are just the players. Or something. Fuck. Show summaries suck.

Every once in awhile, someone comes along that takes lemons and makes lemonade. As you have no doubt noticed, the show has been sucking lately, what, with the lack of segments and all. In his show, the monotony ends with a spark when a banned forum member rides in on his digital steed and shows the guys how to bring the funny. Sure, he’s a socially underdeveloped mongoloid, but he makes good points and doesn’t hold back when it comes to telling it like it is. You’ll love it. ...more