Baywatch is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth.
That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its premise, while also satirizing its absurdity.
Baywatch—despite the wealth to be mined from the show's preposterousness—can't seem to muster the energy to maintain a 15-minute sketch about lifeguards going far beyond their actual job duties.
It's a shame. Baywatch is well cast. The Rock (Mitch Buchannon whose mentor is Mitch Buchannon?) and Zac Efron (Matt Brody) have decent chemistry. They're just not given much to work with. Written by a hodgepodge of people, the film's issues can all be attributed to its mishmash of a script.
Thus, like a bloated body washed up on the sands of Emerald Bay, Baywatch was dead on arrival. It earned $177.9 million on a budget of $69 million—with only $58 million of that coming domestically. It was also lashed by critics, sitting at 17% on Rotten Tomatoes with 246 reviews.
But, hey, a day at the beach always goes better with a beer. So sit back, bask in the sun with an ice cold Florida Man Double IPA from Cigar City Brewing, and watch out for sand grifters! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are staying ready. Forever and always!
This Week’s Segments:
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Alita: Battle Angel – Panzer Kunst!
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Send it to the Slaughter House
The Last Airbender – Burn the Footage
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom – Tangbro and Splash
Madame Web – Ms. Spider-Cleo
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania – Shrinking Returns
The Flash – A Hop, Skip, and a Tomato Can
Blue Beetle – Batman's a Fascist
Half Past Dead – Sentenced to Death Row
Expend4bles – Time to Retire
Killing Gunther – Earthquake Love
Hollywood Homicide – Stella!
The Great Christmas Movie Debate – Die Hard vs Lethal Weapon
Just Friends – Simply Hopsy
Palm Springs – Life on Repeat
So I Married an Axe Murderer – Head, Pod Now!
Summer Catch – Strike’s Out Looking
Werewolves Within – Guess Wholf?
Renfield – Wiccan Tumblr for the Win
The Blackening – Enter the Game Room
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