What behaviour might be telling us
One of the most important parts of the conversation was around how to understand behaviour. When students act out, shut down, avoid tasks, or insist on controlling things, it’s often not a matter of defiance or laziness. It’s a nervous system response.
Valli describes five common stress responses:
- Fight – A student lashes out, argues, or becomes aggressive.
- Flight – A student leaves the room or tries to escape a situation.
- Freeze – A student goes still, zones out, or appears to stop functioning.
- Fawn – A student over-complies, masks distress, or tries to please everyone, but is exhausted or anxious underneath.
- Flop – A student shuts down completely, maybe lying on a desk or becoming non-verbal.
All of these are signs that the student may not feel safe in that moment, whether because of sensory overload, anxiety, fear of failure, or feeling misunderstood. Many of these behaviours get misinterpreted, especially in schools where compliance is expected.
The idea here is not to excuse unsafe behaviour, but to understand what might be driving it — and to work proactively, not reactively.
Making practical adjustments in schools
Some key suggestions came up around how teachers and tutors can support students before issues escalate:
- Flexible seating (e.g. standing desks, rocker stools, floor spaces)
- Fidgets that don’t distract others
- Giving processing time (Michael talks about using a 30-second pause)
- Being careful with “cold calling” (students fearing being put on the spot)
- Allowing movement or breaks without needing to ask
- Using “timeout” or “reset” cards to self-regulate
- Clear routines and preparation for transitions
- Avoiding judgmental or dismissive language
These kinds of supports can be made available to all students. The idea is that they remove barriers before they become problems, and prevent students from being placed in situations that overwhelm them.
Why collaboration matters
One of the biggest themes in the episode is the importance of adults working together. Often, a tutor doesn’t know what’s happening at school. The psychologist may not know what the parent is seeing at home. The school might be unaware of what allied health professionals are recommending.
The Safe House Framework offers a shared language and a way to bring people together around the needs of a student.
It encourages regular updates (e.g. a shared support plan reviewed every 6 months)
The plan is deliberately written from the child’s perspective to humanise it (e.g. “I find loud noises overwhelming,” rather than “student has auditory sensitivity”)
It can be used by parents, tutors, psychologists, and teachers alike, with everyone contributing their insights.
Even a short 15-minute Zoom meeting twice a year can be enough to keep everyone on the same page.
Advice for parents
Parents can use the Safe House framework to coordinate support for their child, especially when schools are too overwhelmed to lead it.
- The parent version of the training is available at embracingneurodiversity.co
- It includes 4 hours of video, workbooks, checklists, and a monthly Q&A
- Membership is $15/month, but families can join for free by emailing Valli if cost is a barrier
- Parents can also use it to better understand what allied health professionals do, and which types of support might be relevant for their child
Advice for teachers
Valli offers a version of the training specifically for:
- It covers the Safe House Framework in full, including how to understand autism and ADHD through an affirming lens.
- There’s a focus on universal design — removing barriers for everyone before putting in individual accommodations.
- It includes training on executive functioning, emotional regulation, communication, and social understanding
- There’s also a component on teacher wellbeing, recognising that none of this is sustainable if teachers are burning out.
Whole schools can also take part through the Safe House Schools program, which includes layered support and ongoing development.
