Episode 131: 3 Box Model - Deny, Fight or Use it

What is the 3 Box Model?

Philosophies and religions both talk about the concept that we can decide how we feel about events – it’s our choice on how we react.  This model takes that concept and helps you to do precisely that.  It is a framework that allows you to consider everything that has happened, is happening and may happen and supports you in deciding how you are going to react and to use it.

The three box model is a framework where you can consciously frame what has, what is or will happen in your personal or professional life. 

Why this is important

We can spend so much time and energy trying to bury things, pretend things are different, that we are different and when we do this, all that time and energy doesn’t move us forward.  It doesn’t make us happier.  By taking control of what is in each box we get to choose what to spend our time on.  Important in that is the ‘we”. 

We take control.  Nobody else. We get to determine what we want. We choose what will take our energy, time and focus.

Will a particular situation work against you, be a constant battle to control or actually work for you?

You get to choose.

This self determination is a key part of Self Development.

This model is a new tool in your mental tool box.  This can help you to prepare yourself for a better outcome – allow you to take more control over what is happening and what is going to happen next.  This means a more confident version of ‘You’. More authentic. A ‘You’ who is spending their energy better, leading to a more successful, happier version of you.  You get to channel issues and experiences so you get better returns and a higher self confidence

Stephen walks us through the model and the 3 boxes - Deny It - Fight it and Use it.

When Stephen first introduced me to this model there was an immediate impact - understanding the framework allowed me to make sense of some things that I was unable to nail down before.

Once we understand that there are 3 boxes with issues sitting within each it helps to make sense about some of the things that are working really well for us – and why we sometimes seem to struggle.  This understanding on its own is a confidence builder

Then there is the knowledge that the boxes remain where they are – but that issues can be moved from box to box.  And you can make that happen.  You can choose which issue is something you’re going to move up the chain and improve your own self confidence

As you get more comfortable with the model you get to think more strategically - Which situations work against you? Be a constant battle to control? Or actually work for you? Which situations is it time to move? Which do I need to acknowledge are there?

Some notes:

1 Naming – naming issues and situations is the start of objectifying them.  Once it is a a named object, it feels more controllable.  Visible. Manageable.

2 Acknowledge it – understand that it is in a box already.  Something you are already denying, fighting against or using.

3 Choose what you want to move.  There will always be something in each of the 3 boxes.  Some will remain where they are for a long time.  That’s ok – you’re choosing the order. Consciously.

4 One step at a time.  Don’t try to jump from Deny straight to Use it – ‘Fight It’ is a good staging post to get there.

5 Good things count too. Acknowledging and appreciating that good things live in the boxes too.  Don’t deny your own part in your successes.  Don’t fight against recognising your skills.  This will lead to a drop in your confidence and the Imposter syndrome.  Accept and Use what you did and let it fuel your next success.

Any thoughts or comments let us know at podcast@coachpro.online

Full Transcript at

https://rhinoconsulting.nl/episode-131-three-boxes-deny-fight-or-use-it

 

First 10 minutes transcript below

 

Warren Hammond  01:07

Welcome back Podcats to another conversation with me Warren, and CEO of CoachPro Stephen Gribben. Now, this is a good one. This one is about The Three Boxes. That's the best way for me to describe it, you hear me struggling to try and come up with a decent description later. But in my head is just the three box model. Very powerful. For one it's a simple model, which we all know is always useful. This can change how you look at anything that's ever happened to you and everything that's going to happen to you. So it's an important part of the optimal appraisal process, and the whole self-development. We have the choices. The choice of whether we're going to spend energy fighting these things, or denying these things, or using these things. Not going to say too much, you'll quickly see how simple this model is but how profound its influence can be. You'll enjoy this one. There's lots of good stuff in it.

 

Warren Hammond  02:07

As always, there'll be some notes, we're doing a full transcript now. So you can read along, if that helps. Blogs, there's the models on the different websites. So get involved, get in touch, if there's anything else you'd like us to cover, if there's any questions that you have. Email is podcast@coachpro.online. Anyway, let's get going. Here comes cheesy music.

 

Warren Hammond  02:39

Today, as always, is a good topic. And how I think about this is the framework that it's described in. The three box model is how I think about it. And I use this and think about it in so many different ways. And I'm trying to think what is the perfect description for anyone listening to it. And the best I've come up with so far is this is a perfect model for better reframing of your past. Now, that's doesn't sound like the title of an album. But we'll go with it so far. So let's get to the expert, Stephen. Three box model. What is it? Explain to everybody who can't see into my head, what exactly is the three box model?

 

Stephen Gribben  03:32

The three box model is a framework where you can consciously frame what has, what is or will happen in your personal or professional life.

 

Warren Hammond  03:49

Okay, so this isn't just past then. So I've just said past. This is about today, what's happening today, what could happen tomorrow, this is about how you look at anything around you and think how do I put this into a better context?

 

Stephen Gribben  04:02

Yeah, it's a framework for empowering you to make that conscious choice and own where you place things that happen to you or things that you make happen in a way that has optimal benefit. So rather than things just happening to you or occurring, you get more of a sense of ownership, more of a self-determination of where that's going to go, how that's going to work for you, what you can use it for, how you're going to make that optimal. Whether it is labelled a good thing or bad thing or an okay thing to begin with emotionally, you making that conscious decision to then say I'm going to decide what I'm going to do with that. Whether that is a thing that's happened in the past, whether it's something that's happened to you just now or whether it's something that's on its way.

 

Warren Hammond  04:53

Okay. This is already bigger, as always. So this is anything that's going on around me, me, thinking in the self-development, consciously owning, this is the part this is going to play in my future outcome. This is how I decide how important or how I'm going to use this for whatever my future outcome is.

 

Stephen Gribben  05:21

Yeah, and look, this can be for the smallest practical things. I tend to first of all get to introduce this with clients, when they describe something as a Make or Break. And that's when I feel well, you really don’t want to leave that chance do you?

 

Warren Hammond  05:37

Okay. I think of this a lot when I think back, especially about past experiences, especially bad experiences. So we're talking in sales teams and stuff, then there's a way of recontextualizing, again, another awful word, about anything awful that's happened  to us. Let’s say a bad Q or a bad month, or a bad loss of a client. This is something that this model can be used to reframe it and make it better. But you're saying this is not just bad things from your past. This can be anything from today, from tomorrow, as well as from yesterday.

 

Stephen Gribben  06:16

I think most people would accept we naturally see, or create, rather the opportunity to learn from adversity, learn from mistakes, in order to improve things that haven't gone the way we'd wanted. I've always looked upon that and said, Well, what if we could also learn from our successes? What if we could build from a winning position? What if we could use the victory and use the great result, to learn from that also so that we can recreate and enhance that. So this is not a fix? This is a solution. This is a way of looking at the things that happen and get beyond that label of right wrong, good, bad, strong, weak, things I wanted, things that I didn't want or liked or didn't like, and saying, well,  that thing, which box is it currently in and which box do I want to start putting it in.

 

Warren Hammond  07:16

This is great. This goes straight to the heart, then of this whole self-development chat that we talk about is you know, the building on the strengths, that conscious ownership, there's looking at everything around you and deciding what you're going to make work for you. So where do we get started on this in the three boxes,

 

Stephen Gribben  07:35

First of all, as you've said this fits with self-development, and this is the 'why should you put things in boxes, first of all. There is a value in putting things in boxes because you objectify it at that stage. And therefore you can look at it more objectively, more intelligently, you can see it as a thing, rather than wrapped up into a whole mess of stuff. So what this is about in terms of self-development, this will allow you to become more self-aware that things happen and accept that things happen, good, bad, indifferent. It will give you more self-confidence and be able to say, I can take control back, I can be in charge of this, I can direct this, I can decide what box I'm going to put this in. That allows you then to develop creative self-management, so that you get things to work for you rather than you always having to work through stuff or deal with stuff. But actually your self management is putting that stuff in a way that works for you. Not always doing everything for it in the hope that it works out okay. But doing it in a way where it also then works for you. And then finally, that self-determination, where you can look at the things you have done from the past and say 'Which box am I now going to make sure I get into, you can look at the present and say okay, the box, I'm going to place this in is that box, but also for the future things that are either on their way or you want to create. This is how I'm going to use this to get to where I really want to get to, to reach my full potential and be genuinely happy and successful by being me, rather than pretending or living to other people's rules and expectations.

 

Warren Hammond  09:27

So the self-awareness, the self-confidence, the self-management, the self-determination, this pathway of self-development is so strong. And something you said right at the beginning, which I never thought about before in this three box model even though it's there, right in the heart of it, is the box. It's the fact that you are putting it in the box means you've labelled it, you've objectified it in some way, which then automatically means maybe you've removed some of the vagueness, emotion out of it, you've intelligently considered it. And the moment you label it, you can then put it into the box. And then suddenly, it's manageable, isn't it because you put it in a box, you've contained it in some way or another, and then your self-confidence, your self management and self-determination can kick in. So first bit of that process then is just as important. I never thought about it before is, the moment you put it in a box, that's an important part of being up in a way at the races.