Episode 7 | The Platinum Rule of the Dating Space | Pillar 5 of Authentic Relating | Feedback from the Field

In this episode of The Conscious Matchmaker, Sophy Singer and Elizabeth Foster discuss the fifth practice of Authentic Relating-- Honor Self and Other. They explore the concept of The Platinum Rule, and how to use this tool to transform your dating life, which involves treating others how they want to be treated rather than assuming they want to be treated the same way we do. Emphasizing the importance of slowing down, making deep contact, and being present with the needs and boundaries of both oneself and others, Sophy and Elizabeth also introduce a game called The Curiosity Game, which is a fun and fresh way to foster authentic and truly engaging conversations.

Curiosity Exercise: the curiosity exercise uses a clear context to provide participants with the permission to get genuinely curious about another person in a structured format. It's one of the most portable and popular exercises 1 that you can use with anyone in your life to know a person more deeply and be more deeply known by others. The Curiosity exercise is also a great example of how context can unlock an intimate connection. Access a deep level of connection with both strangers and friends more quickly and easily using the curiosity exercise than by almost any other means. Is how we facilitate the exercise in our workshops but you can adapt this context and structure in many different ways. As long as the central intention of creating a context to allow for the expression of genuine, childlike curiosity to flow is upheld, you can engage with this exercise in whatever way feels alive and exciting.

 

Step one -- the partner offering and holding the context (partner A) ask the other partner (partner B) "Would you like to try the curiosity exercise?" Partner A can add further context that articulates the value in (the why) of the exercise, perhaps to feel more connected or learn more about one another. Partner B can offer suggestions or adjust the context as necessary until B is fully bought in and ready to participate. 

Step two--partner A has five minutes to ask any questions they want to ask with the only rule being that they are genuinely curious to know the answer. B answers as briefly or comprehensively as they would like and can decline to answer any question for any reason.

Step three--partner A has two minutes to ask more questions but this time partner B doesn't answer the questions directly but instead rates the questions on a scale from 1 to 5: 1 is the most boring question they could be asked, while five is the most fascinating question they could be asked. This step provides partner A with guidance and direction in how to refine the line of questioning that fulfills both partner A's genuine curiosity as well as partner B's excitement in answering. When both intentions are satisfied we tend to see the deepest connection and intimacy.

Step four-- Partner A has another five minutes to ask any questions, now incorporating the ratings that partner be provided in the last step.

Step five-- Partner A completes two sentence stems that serve as affirmations of the connection. 

Sentence one: "where I felt you the most was..." this is a reflection of when partner A felt most impacted by whatever partner B shared in the two rounds. 

Sentence two: "what I get about you is..." this is a reflection of partner B's essence--their way of being in the world and the values they care about.

Step six-- As with most authentic relating exercises the two partners complete the sequence with a debrief, in which they talk about how the experience went, identify any sites or learnings, and explore any questions that arose. Debrief itself can often lead to a lot of aliveness and can spark further threads of conversation and exploration.
Switch roles. Partner A becomes the answerer, and Partner B gets to be the questioner.

 

A much simpler version of the exercise that you can do anywhere is just doing step 1 and step 2 without a time limit. This still provides the questioner with the freedom and shared context to ask anything they are genuinely curious about. The context provides a sense of ease and safety for the answerer since they have agreed to receive the questions. Imagine if the questioner goes right into a line of questioning that the answerer may find very personal without first setting context. The answerer is often caught off guard and becomes defensive, suspicious, or confused. Setting good clear context is the key to making this exercise work most effectively

 

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