You think the pain was that other person, but the real pain was how it made you question your worth. And I want that to end today. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and drive ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you, so steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:12)
Alright, queen, deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. I love a good halo breath. Before we dive into something a little crazy, it's a hot topic. A lot of questions come in about cheating the lying, why they do it, all sorts of questions. So today we're just going to basically address why they cheat and the three lies they tell you, which there is always manipulation and calculation going into what they do. So we'll cover that as well. So I want to start by saying this clearly directly, very queen styley, right? With the most unshakeable conviction, if a narcissist cheated on you, it had absolutely nothing to do with you not being enough or you being who you are. Okay? Their cheating is not a mirror of your worth. It's actually a mirror of their emptiness. We know narcissists are a big black hole and this is a mirror of that evidence of that.
(02:29)
So today we're going to break this down in a way that makes you stop blaming or questioning yourself once and for all. We don't have time for that, right? We got queen lives to live. So first of all, let's start with the real reasons that narcissists cheat, right? People cheat that aren't narcissists. That's very true, but we're talking about narcissists today, so we're going to talk about their reasons so they don't cheat because they're unhappy in the relationship and that can be a thing that other people do, but narcissists actually cheat because they are so addicted to supply. You've probably heard me say this a million times, but this is very, very important in this topic. They are addicted to supply, so really envision what that's like, right? You're not like that so you don't get it. But try to imagine a person that is addicted to basically feeding their ego and it's again this big black hole, so it's never truly filled.
(03:37)
You can't fill it so nobody can news, spoiler alert. So cheating gives them that ego fuel, novelty power, and they love power and even a sense of superiority and those things are what they are chasing. They're not chasing what we chase or desire the connection into intimacy. That came out weird for some reason. Intimacy partnership, they're not seeking those things. They're essentially seeking supply. So another reason, and a lot of women don't talk about this enough, is they cheat to punish you. Say that again. They cheat to punish you, especially when you start getting stronger, and I guarantee if you look back at when you maybe thought maybe they were cheating or there was evidence of cheating, or they give you a timeline, sometimes they'll tell you they have cheated to show that power to hurt you. So they may tell you when it started, whatever it is, if you actually take a close look, you can tell you were maybe getting stronger or they're shifting in their life some way, but a lot of times it's really you are getting stronger.
(05:13)
So this can look like when you start questioning their behavior, they don't like that when you start setting boundaries. That is what I would say. Number one, you start setting any boundary with a narcissist. Absolutely. Then they feel out of control. They got to gain their control. Again, when you're setting a boundary, you're showing that you're not just there to feed their ego, you're looking out for you for once or you're really just hit rock bottom with it. So you're making your boundaries like, okay, I really freaking mean it this time. So when you stop bending over backwards for them, when you start calling things out, in my experience, that is another top contender start calling things out and saying, you know what? I'm not okay with this. I'm not going to put up with this. So that is an injury. It's called narcissistic injury actually.
(06:14)
But that is an injury to their ego. And so what do they do? They do many things right? They will come harder at you, they will have more anger. They will manipulate gaslight, do all those things, but another lovely thing they do is cheating on you. It can become their revenge, their retaliation, a slap in the face that says, oh, you think you can't be controlled if you're acting almost like you're indifferent being with them anymore. So burned out by them, and this happened with so many of my clients, that's why I'm doing this episode. I have had a couple clients recently that told me stories about they had reached a point where they were indifferent and just in there trying to figure out maybe a plan to get out. It's tough. Probably 98% of my clients are co-parenting with narcissists. So you have children with these people, so you're trying to figure out how you can do this and they think, oh, you can't be controlled. Let me show you how quickly I can replace you.
(07:29)
Not romantic, not emotional, not deep. It truly is, like I said, a punishment, a weapon. You could even think of it that way, right? It's a weapon so they can gain their control, feed their ego while you're trying to figure out why am I here? Should I leave any of that? This can happen, right? They don't cop feelings about cheating. Like typical people, and this can be very confusing. A normal person has empathy. A normal person might cheat and maybe have those feelings for someone else, and then they get the guilt. They might feel sick about it, a narcissist. They don't have feelings like we have feelings, so they don't even really have feelings for this other person. It's just who is the closest and easiest target to become my new source? And this is where it gets kind of dark as if it's not dark enough.
(08:34)
They can literally watch you crying, devastated, shattered, and feel nothing. We know they don't have empathy. They may mask. Masking is kind of like pretending wearing a mask. They can mask and say certain things or try to make a sad face and pretend, but depending on the situation, they may not even do that. But your pain, it is sick and it actually is validation to them. It proves their power. It actually proves to themselves like, oh see, good. They want that reaction. They want you crying. They want you destroyed because they punished you for that very reason. And it's devastating if you don't know this stuff. I know some of you know it to a degree, but sitting here and if it really hits you and you're like, I do believe this, it is hard to digest. So give yourself some grace. Give yourself some chocolate. First and foremost, you deserve a hunk, a chunk of chocolate right now. This is really tough stuff to digest, to think this person that you were or are in love with, shared life with, have kids with whatever to sit there and think they're this calculated, this dark, this unfeeling.
(10:11)
And it tore me up when I realized all that a narcissist was and oh my goodness, it's devastating. So give yourself space after this, if this is hitting you kind of for the first time at the depths of what it really means. This is not easy to digest, and I'm here too. You can always email me if you need someone to talk about. If you don't have somebody to talk about this stuff with, if you don't have emotional support, please reach out to me. Okay? My email is always in the show notes. It's tough. So we want you to know I'm also, I have a Facebook page. Go in there. There's other women just like you in there. So that link is also in the show notes. So they're proven their power. So what about the other woman? And I want to include this for any women listening who had them manipulated into being the other one because this could happen too.
(11:10)
Okay? I was once the other one, but I had no idea I was the other one. That's a whole fun layer too. So hear this, you were used too. So narcissists recruit women, like they're building this army of validation. They triangulate, they lie, they tell different stories to different people. So keep that in mind. Like I said, I was the other woman and had zero clue. So sometimes keep that in mind when you may see or run into that lovely lady someday they may not even know or the narcissist also. Well, I didn't actually date this guy. I was told there's an example of another guy. Yeah, I've had some winners in the past. Luckily I landed on a good one, but I actually got together, I'll use those words with this guy, and he told me that he had been separated a long time. The divorce was in the making.
(12:21)
Then I found out, I mean we had just gone out once and then I found out actually through a mutual friend that he was going to counseling with her. So when I addressed that to him and said, go f yourself, you dirty, dirty man. He told me, well, I mean we haven't been sleeping in the same bed. I give a fuck. I was like, and he's like, well, I mean I don't think that it's going to really work out, but she wants me to go, so I'm going to do it just to show that I'm giving it one last shot, which is a very narky thing. I don't know that this guy totally was a complete narcissist, but there were some traits there.
(13:12)
So there's lies, people to obviously I didn't fall for it and I said, get the fuck out of here. But definitely different stories to different people to keep each woman insecure, competing, confused, right? I heard a quote today that was so good about, let me think if I can think of it. Oh, it was about the confusion. Something like the narcissist keeps you confused to keep you something like that. That's how they keep you anyway. So whether you were the primary partner or side partner, nobody is being loved here, okay? Everyone's being used narcissists, don't know how to love the same way we know how to love. So that's the why. I hope that makes sense, right? Obviously there's different layers and it goes a little deeper, and if you want to know on a different level with your specific case, you can always sign up for one-on-one with me.
(14:12)
Those links are always in the show notes too. It's very customized work. So we do coaching and somatic healing. If you don't know what somatic healing is, that is healing from the body, that is life altering, insane in a good way, healing from within and we do epic work. You can go click a link to read more about it or always, as always, you can always email me with questions. But let's get through this. So the lies, there's three lies I put here. There's more, but three lies that keep you laming yourself that they tell, right? So let's talk about this mental poison. They feed you, right? I really want you to understand this is not you. This is not on you, okay? This behavior, even when I'm saying, oh, they're doing it for retaliation, that's not because you did something bad. That's because they're not getting fed, but you're not supposed to feed them.
(15:11)
Love is not feeding somebody like we feed narcissists, okay? That is not love. It's unhealthy, so they want to feed you this poison so you don't leave, right? So lie number one might sound unfamiliar if you were more blank, I wouldn't have cheated. I wouldn't need to cheat, I wouldn't have cheated. It could be more affectionate, more sexual, more supportive, more loving, more forgiving, more chill. Okay? Any of this is a manipulation tactic to make you take responsibility for their lack of integrity, right? There is no reason anyone should cheat, ever. I don't care what you do. There's reasons people can leave you and if something's not aligned and they want to leave, they know where the freaking door is, okay? There is no reason for abuse, name calling, gaslighting, any of that emotional or physical abuse or cheating. No reason, no good reason. Okay?
(16:24)
So the manipulation tactics, right? It's very manipulative and it keeps you in this self-improvement mode. They know how to keep saying no, if you did this, if you did this, so you're being brainwashed that you need the help and you need to improve yourself, you need to fix you instead of in self protection mode, which is where you're supposed to be putting a big old bubble and getting the F out of there. Okay? I'm trying not to say the F word. I think I said it once. I was trying not to say it this episode, okay, so lie number two, here's one, nothing happened. You're being dramatic. This is for the deniers, the denying manipulator, narcissist, gaslighting, right? Nothing happened. You're nuts, you're dramatic, you're just dreaming all this. Then they can even turn around, oh, are you cheating, right? They minimize, deny, erase the facts, and they're not trying to protect you my love bear.
(17:27)
No, no, but what are they going to protect? That big old supply line. That's so tasty, okay? They're protecting their supply, they need your supply so they know that they have to deny everything and then another lie, lie three, we were basically done. Okay? This one is so common, you guys. We were basically done. It's not really cheating translation. I'm going to rewrite history so I don't have to take accountability. We know they never do. They will reinvent the timeline, the story, the relationship, and they will really double down on we've been done. I mean you were checked out, blah, blah, blah, and they'll be dismissive about because it's not a big deal if they make it not a big deal. Yeah, I mean we've been done. Listen, we were done. Haven't been in this, I haven't been in this, right? Just so they can avoid saying the truth, which is I betray you, I took our marriage vows.
(18:47)
Or if you're just in a partnership without marriage, the unsaid promises and spit all over. So what's the truth? What is the truth here? The narcissist does not cheat because they found any better. I want you to just tattoo it on your forehead. They did not cheat because they found better. First of all, look at yourself. You are damn queen. No one can get better than your sexy ass, okay? They cheat. Why? Because they need so much attention, so much supply to function. So if they have beaten you down mentally, physically, spiritually, if they have beaten all that out of you to the point that you are checked out, they are not getting the supply they need. They did it to themselves. I don't want you to feel bad about it for a damn second and get this. They don't even prefer these people. Any of the people they've cheated with, there might be multiple.
(20:00)
They don't actually prefer any of them. It's not about the people. They prefer the feeling of power, that feeling inside. They need that. That's what they need. You're not competing with this other woman or women. You are merely competing with their ego. You are competing just with their ego and you will never, ever win that battle. Like I said, that is a deep dark hole. It's bottomless. You're never going to win. You don't want to win. You don't want to be any part of this. So if you are in the situation, here is your pass to run, please run full permission run. I know it's easier said than done. And if you need help with an exit plan, well there is the abuse hotline. I can put that in the show notes or email me and I can see if I can find resources in your area specifically. However I can help, I will. But guys, I know a lot of you are listening to this after you're already out of the situation and have been cheated on and still have questions or uncertainty. So I want to leave you all though with this. This is the reality. The cheating was not a reflection of your worth, okay? It's just not.
(21:37)
It's honestly a reflection of your nervous system being hijacked by someone who values attention more than integrity. You were never lacking. You got the patience, beat the shit out of you again. Even if it was emotionally you were a meal to someone who only knows how to consume. They don't know how to connect. We do guys, they don't. And now that you see the game or you just don't want to put up with it or whatever, you want to start to get your power back and now you're going to, because say, I finally see this and I don't want any part of it.
(22:28)
Once you get it, it's easier. Even though it's so hard to digest, once you've digested it, which may take a minute, you're going to feel amazing. You're going to say, okay, that's crazy, that's hurtful, but I'm so glad I see that and now I'm ready to get that power back and you don't have to prove you're better. That comes from fear-based, weak shit. Oh, let me look good and better and whatever. I'll be honest, I did that for a hot minute. Those are my younger years, and I actually ended things with the narc and I still wanted him to be like, oh, look what I lost out on which he was. Of course I got all these letters and I mean they're all bullshit, but back then I didn't know they were bullshit. I was like, oh, good, it worked. No, he probably just ended things with whoever, and they go through spells.
(23:26)
Well, they'll come back to try to get you if they stop dating someone, they need to be fed. But you don't want to have to prove that you're better. You don't want to be the chosen one or like, oh, I'm the one who can fix him. I thought that while we're in it, I was like, oh, I know he is this way, but I can help him and I know through me we can do this and he'll be a better guy. No bullshit. He never did. So look, I can save anyone that time. If you're in it, you're not going to be that person. Move on and don't get your power back by getting them to pick you or come back to you. You don't want that. That's not how you get your power back. They're not your power. They are not your power. You are your power. You don't need a dysfunctional person to validate your value. Think about that.
(24:17)
That's ass backwards. But you've been conditioned, so I'm not trying to yell at you. I've gone through it too, but sorry, I have a dry throat today. The moment you stop trying to win their approval, you cut off their entire source of control. Can you imagine what that feels like when you've been under the thumb? Even if you've been broken up, you still are tied to them in ways emotionally, you're still replaced up in your head or have questions or can't figure out, oh my gosh, right? It's a mess in that brain after they're done with us. But when you stop trying to win their approval, you release giving them that power and that's your power moment. That's your liberation, right? It's like, ah, I get my control back. I get my freedom now.
(25:13)
So good. So if you are ready to step back into your power, I have my Empowered Boundaries course, and that's just all around. So this can be for yes, that person you're with, but I'm going to guess if you've been like this with them, there might be other people in your family, parents, siblings, whatever that you might have boundaries issues with. And this course is, it is epic and it is crazy that it is the price it's at. I have lowered the price because I want more and more women to be able to afford this. It used to be $500, I think it's 200 now. I lowered it a lot. It would sell here and there, and I was like, this is the thing I want people to have easy access to if they can't work one-on-one because that's ongoing, right? If you want more really customized stuff and to do the somatic healing, sign up for the one-on-one if you have that budget.
(26:15)
But if you don't, this Empowered Boundaries course you have for life, you can go back to it. And it is for all walks of life to help you with so many situations. It's 10 video modules and there's a meditation bundle that comes with it to help in that energetic part. And this is going to help support you in rebuilding the strongest version of you. So you're going to step by step, go through how to create, how communicate, and how to hold the boundaries without the guilt and without the second guessing. And even talks about the conversations you have if they come back as far as the conversation, because a lot of narcissists don't end there. So that's a really good way to get some transformation quickly and have that for the rest of your little life. That is something you always have. Some coaches will say, oh, you have this for three months.
(27:18)
I want you to be able to go back to it if you need to refresh your memory, because like I said, this is not just for the narcissist. This can be for anybody in your life who is not good at respecting boundaries or just you feel like you need to create boundaries and hold to them. It's even good for your kids. So check that out in the show notes. Don't forget to follow this podcast so you don't miss any episodes. And Thursdays are my Thrive in fives, which are always related to Tuesday's show, but they're like a little mini episode of Somatic Healing. Maybe a little pep talk, maybe some breath work, meditation. All the fun. So make sure you're following me and I will see you in the next episode. Love you, bye.
