How Long Should I Be “Sober” Before I Start Dating or Having Sex Again?

This PBSE episode is directed at single listeners and those already in a relationship. A PBSE listener who is single sent in the following quesiton—

Hi there! I'm so grateful for your podcast- just found it last week on and feel I've already gained a lot. Here's something I'd love love love if y'all could address: For us single guys (and girls), at what point in recovery can we/ should be/ may we start dating? I know in 12 step circles, many suggest a year of sobriety before dating. In your experience, does that ring true and, either way, how can we internally assess our readiness to date in light of our history with porn/ lust addiction. Thanks so much and may G-d grant you continued success in helping others.

-  There's a saying in sex addiction recovery circles—"If you feel you're ready for a relationship,  start with a plant!"

-  Ask yourself, "Where am I in my "co-dependence" on sex?"  "Is sex in any way a method for emotional avoidance or escape?" "Am I still using sex as a way to "self-medicate" and avoid "whole intimacy"?

-  How can you expect to figure out "We" (sex) before you have figured out "Me"?

-  Contrary to popular culture, sex is NOT the place to start an intimate relationship. It is so emotionally and biologically "intense" that it easily overrides critical "intimacy development."

-  Healthy relationships require a "balanced building." Premature sex and/or a narrowed focus on sex can skew the relationship and make it lopsided.

-  A BIG test as to whether a porn/sex addict is truly on a solid recovery track is his or her willingness and wisdom to "slow down" the push toward sex and develop true, holistic intimacy one-layer-at-a-time.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about "true intimacy" vs. "sex" in a committed relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage