How Not to Live Through Our Kids

First, we’re setting aside our own hopes and dreams to have (and raise) our kids. Then, we’re relentlessly mocked (perhaps correctly) for being overinvested in the fourth-grade luau. Are we living through our kids? And how do we stop?

Psychologists have long said that mothers transfer our own unfulfilled ambition onto our children. “Symbolic self-completion theory” suggests that we look to our children as symbols of ourselves, and transfer our ambitions to them— which is why we’re not jealous when they get the big part in the school play; we’re a little too thrilled. Sing out, Louise!

But as psychologist Wendy Mogel reminds us, our children are not our masterpieces , and pushing them towards our own notions of greatness prevents them from becoming the humans they are meant to be. In this episode, we discuss the pitfalls of “achievement by proxy distortion” and how to take a step back if you find yourself a little too enmeshed. Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

• Our Fresh Take with Wendy Mogel
• Wendy Mogel: BLESSING OF A SKINNED KNEE
• Our episode "Pushing Kids the Just-Right Amount"

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

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