LJ024: Self-Awareness: No Set Outcome [Conflicts]

We're back with another episode in our Conflicts series and we're talking about a helpful mantra, No Set Outcome. When we find ourselves in conflict with someone in our lives, it can be natural to enter the conversation with our solution and our needs top of mind. From there, we try to convince them and win. But when we come into conversation with that agenda, we can get caught in a back and forth conflict. Instead, what if we release our agenda before we start talking? What if we stay open and curious, with no set outcome in mind. From there, we can figure out a path forward that works for everyone and considers everyone's needs.

We hope today's episode sparks some fun insights for you and we invite you to dive deeper with our Episode Questions. Join us on Instagram or YouTube to continue the conversation and share your reflections.

Let’s dig deep, challenge paradigms, choose connection, and live joyfully!

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EPISODE QUESTIONS

Download a printable PDF of this week's questions here.

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1. What comes up for you when you contemplate the idea of going into a conflict-related conversation with no set outcome?

2. Does it make sense to you that the bigger picture context of the conflict can contain helpful information for finding a path forward that works for everyone? Why? Why not?

3. What blocks or fears do you find rising up?

4. This isn’t a “now you have to do this forever” kind of thing. The next few times conflict arises, no matter how small, can you try going in with trust and curiosity instead of an agenda? Just play with it and see what happens. But not halfheartedly, you won’t learn much that way.

TRANSCRIPT

PAM: Hello and welcome to the Living Joyfully Podcast! Navigating relationships can be challenging, because people are so different. In this podcast, we dive into tools, strategies, and paradigm shifts to help you decrease conflict and increase connection in your most important relationships. We talk about concepts like self-awareness, compassion, context, consent, all the big Cs, and so many more.

If you're new to the podcast, we encourage you to listen to our foundation series, which is specifically the first 14 episodes until we think of some more. But in them, we talk about our favorite fundamental relationship ideas and tools. If you hear us mentioning a concept over and over, chances are it has its own episode in the foundation series that you can check out to learn more.

So, this episode is part of our Conflict series and our miniseries inside that about developing self-awareness. Today, we're diving into the idea of No Set Outcomes, and this can be confronting it first. I mean, what do you mean go into a conflict-infused conversation without an answer or a solution in mind? What, why? This can be particularly challenging for internal processors, like me, because we often like to do our own thinking ahead of time before we have conversations about ways to move forward.

Yet the challenge is that when we have a solution in mind, we often come to the conversation with an agenda and a different energy. We may not even recognize it at first, but once we bring this self-awareness lens to things, we can start to see it.

Interestingly, it's often easier to recognize it when we're on the receiving end. So, do you recall a time when a partner or a friend came into a conversation with an agenda in mind? Just think about that for a moment. Often you can sense it in their body language, in their tone of voice, and in the words they choose, which are often a bit more presumptuous and maybe belittling is how they can feel. They tend to try to dominate the conversation, trying to convince us that their perspective and solution is the right one. When that happens, we can feel like our perspective isn't being heard or respected, like we're being bullied into accepting their solution. We can worry that they'll think less of us if we don't agree, and it just doesn't feel good.

So, now let's take a moment to flip that. How does the other person feel when we are quite sure that we have the right solution? When we come to the conversation with our agenda, thinking, my goodness, if only we could explain it the right way, they, too, could see that we're right. When someone comes into a conversation with that agenda, we just can quickly get stuck, caught in that back and forth of trying to convince each other that our solution is the right one. Conflict, one person is right and the other is wrong, which means that in the end there's a winner and a loser, and none of that helps maintain a connected and supportive relationship.

Instead, what if we release our agenda before we start talking? What if we come into the conversation with the energy of being on the same team and trying to figure out a path forward that works for everyone, something that considers both our needs and goals and theirs.

ANNA: Oh my gosh. It's such an important shift. And it isn't always easy. In the Be Kind, Not Right episode, I talked about making the shift from needing to prove that we're right to choosing kindness, which helps us to get to that place of curiosity and openness. We don't have to let go of the idea that we're right or that we think we have a good solution. But we can choose to be kind and give some space and hear the person in front of us. And finding whatever tools we can that will help us release the urgency of our agenda, I think, is key.

Another one that we've talked about is that there's plenty of time and there's this feeling in our body when we're bringing a sense of urgency to a conversation. When we feel that we must convince them that we're right and that this thing needs to change right now in this particular way.

It's such a different energy when we can switch to curiosity and trust in our ability to solve problems, because whatever is happening, it isn't feeling good for one or both of us, but there's so many possible solutions. We don't want to get fixated on ours. We want to remain open to finding one that feels good for both of us, and that is truly fostered by slowing things down, being more open, and leaving space for that. And it's such a different energy and it feels so much better to move towards a solution that way.

PAM: Exactly. Exactly. And notice that not bringing an agenda into the conversation doesn't mean not thinking about the possibilities beforehand. We want to get curious. It can be really helpful to spend some time considering our needs and goals as they relate to the conflict at hand before getting into deep conversations. That's part of the self-awareness that we're talking about in this miniseries of episodes. Not only will we learn more about ourselves, we'll likely be able to more effectively communicate that information to the other person involved.

So, we can also get curious about the bigger picture context of the conflict, too. So, from the environment, has a similar conflict happened before? Is there a pattern to it? Does there seem to be a consistent trigger and so on. To the needs and goals of everyone that's involved, are there conflicting underlying needs that need to be resolved? To the current circumstances of each person that's involved right now, and this can call back to our previous self-awareness episodes around triggers and HALT.

So, the more we explore, the more little bits of information we have floating around in our minds that we can connect in creative and fun ways to navigate through the conflict or the challenge that work for everyone involved.

But to be able to recognize these many other possibilities, I do first need to let go of any outcome I have in mind when I go into the conversation. It's great to have all these possibilities. But if I don't let go of what seems to be the best one to me, I end up just picking out the pieces of our conversations that fit that particular path and just ignoring the rest, letting them go in one ear and out the other, because I'm going to use what they say as ammunition to show them or convince them why the path that I have in mind is best. But when I can release that agenda, that set outcome, and not bring that with me into the conversation, just having thought through things from my own perspective of possibilities and my needs, that just brings so much more when we can work together as a team, because there really is no one right way through a conflict. 

ANNA: Right. And so, I want to reiterate the point that you just said, because it's so important, which is that if we're going into a conflict or conversation with a set outcome, it really tunnels our vision. We are looking for anything to affirm our position to the exclusion of all other positions. And we're missing solutions or paths that could move us smoothly through the disagreement.

And because I often like to think of things in terms of efficiency, while it seems like barreling towards my solution is the fastest way, it isn't. Because it most likely will cause defensiveness. It can create difficult and sometimes painful back and forth. I leave the person not feeling heard or understood, which we've talked about how damaging that is for connection. The easiest, most pleasant, and most efficient way is to be open to all of the possibilities. It does take a little bit more time, but it's so worth it.

And I think the self-awareness piece is so critical, because as we tune in to what our actual need is, we can then begin to communicate it to our partner or friend in a non-threatening way. We aren't communicating the solution, we're communicating the need. And no one can really argue with our need. The need is something we can solve for. Just presenting our solution doesn't leave space for the other person to have their own needs or to really have any kind of feedback. But when we're focused on addressing needs, we can take everyone's needs into account and find a solution. It feels much less threatening and all sides can have their say to get their needs met.

PAM: Absolutely. Yes. Communicating needs, not solutions. It's just one level underneath. And as you mentioned, taking the time to gain some self-awareness around the conflict often helps us more effectively communicate those needs. We may also discover some blocks that we'll need to explore. What's getting in our way? What are we holding onto so tightly that we feel stuck, that this is the only way? That this is the one right way? It's curious, because we can get there. We can get there. Like, I would not be happy with any other answer. Like, it's okay to feel that way. We feel that way. But it is also a great clue that, oh, I think there are some blocks there. There's something there that we want to play with.

But I think what's really helpful, too, is not assuming that exploring those blocks is all about getting rid of them. Because then we can resist that, as well. Maybe we discover an underlying need, and rather than tossing that block, now we're better able to just describe the need. Now, we understand better why we're feeling so resistant, which then can open up the door to more possibilities for meeting it. When we're feeling stuck with the block, it can be because we can only see that one way forward. But when we understand that underlying need, things can definitely feel less constrictive.

So, for example, maybe we find that fear is blocking us. That can definitely be helpful to dig into. So, is it a fear of being wrong? Is it of being judged by others? Is it worry that there will be negative consequences from different paths forward? Is it fear of losing face or losing power in the relationship?

Where does that fear stem from and is it true? Does it make sense? And depending on how we prefer to process things, maybe these blocks are something we explore on our own and share what we discover. Or maybe they're part of the conversations we have with a trusted person. Even if that's the person we're navigating the conflict with, it can be helpful for them to see what it's bringing up for us.

ANNA: Right. And I think as we dig into that and because that's a vulnerable place sometimes to share, this is feeling scary to me or this is what it's feeling like, but you can almost feel how it softens things. Because if I'm kind of coming at someone with like, I don't like this, this needs to change, blah, blah, blah, that can put somebody on the defensive.

But it's like, as soon as I'm able to say, okay, I've got a lot of intensity about this because this is feeling scary to me, it's like, whew, we can soften and they can go like, okay, I don't want you to feel afraid of this or worried about this. And so yeah, let's figure out something that feels better.

And I do agree also that this whole process is going to be influenced by how each of us process things. And so, there's room for all types of processing, back to remembering not to take another person's suchness personally. So, if someone needs to step away and internally process what's happening, give space for that. That's not that they're disengaging from you or that that should be a problem. It's like, hey, they need that time to come back and maybe to just calm down and figure out what those underlying needs are. And I think it can be the same if the person's like, I just really want to hash this out. Know that that's what they need and we don't have to take that personally. They're just needing that intensity and that back and forth.

And it really helps in all of our relationships to be able to communicate about our needs. So, if you need to take that time to understand and to step back from the triggers, take that time. Ask for it. And if your friend or partner asks you for it, kindly give it to them, because we want to come to these conversations with our best information, not from a reactive place. So, we need to trust in each other when we ask for those things.

Learning about how you process is so important. If you like to hash things out, make sure that feels okay to the other person involved. Make sure that they've had the time they need to come ready to be open and curious, to have that type of discussion. The more narration, the more information we can give each other just really changes the tone of these conflict situations.

And you can see so much of this is helped by slowing things down. I'll talk about this a lot because you can feel, I get a lot of excited energy going on. Slow it down and drop that sense of urgency. Yes, we're having an issue. We aren't in agreement. And that can send us into this urgent feeling mode. But in slowing things down, we allow space to gain that deeper understanding of each other, of our needs, and we can start to see that there are options for how to move through this that feel so much better.

And, for me, it's that grounding in the trust that we can work it out, that we're going to take the time to understand. We're going to communicate. And it relaxes everyone involved, because I think again, those fear can pieces can come into play. Like, we're having a conflict. Is this going to end the relationship? What's going to happen? But if we can just ground back into that trust, we can slow this down, we can have a hard conversation, and we can find solutions that feel better.

PAM: Yeah, I mean, just imagine that energy. It is so easy when a conflict comes up, as you said, to feel that sense of urgency. Oh my gosh, something's wrong. We need to fix it. And that just brings a whole other layer of tunnel vision. How can you be open and curious and be able to listen intently to other people's needs and, especially if something comes up more quickly, like, oh my gosh, you need a bit of time to just process and see what my needs are underneath that. Or we can slap a Band-Aid on it, but it's going to come up again and it's going to come up again and again because we haven't gotten to those underlying needs. I mean, that has been my experience and it's just been so helpful to give it that time and space.

So often, conflicts, they're not urgent. They're not emergencies. Even though we can feel that. We can reach to our tools just to help us calm down and just even help each other feel seen and heard, like, oh my gosh, yes. We have different views about this thing. Let's figure that out. And then understanding how the other person processes things. People are different. It is so very helpful just to have that context for navigating conflicts.

So, going into those conversations without that set outcome in mind, not having that agenda, that trust that you mentioned, that genuine trust that together we can find a way through that works for both of us. And as we gain more experience with it, it really is a beautiful process. We come to see that conflicts aren't bad. They're not negative. They're like human beings that see things differently. Now, of course, it doesn't mean that that's easy, right? But understanding that will serve everyone just in so many countless situations over the course of our lives. When we take the experience and the understanding of ways that we can open ourselves up, not come with that agenda, in so many other relationships in our lives, it helps us move through those as well.

ANNA: And just learn. It's just about the learning. If we can, when those opportunities come, instead of feeling that fear or worry about the relationship, be like, okay, we're going to learn something about each other right now because we're seeing this very differently. And that's, of course, back to open and curious, but it's such a wonderful shift and letting go of those outcomes is such a big piece of that.

PAM: Such a big piece.

Okay, so here are some questions to ponder this week around this idea. Number one, what comes up for you when you contemplate the idea of going into a conflict-related conversation with no set outcome? I mean, I think that's a big one right there to start with.

ANNA: Think about that. Right.

PAM: Number two, does it make sense to you that the bigger picture context of the conflict can contain helpful information for finding a path forward that works for everyone? So, what is your first answer to that and why or why not do you think the context is involved?

Number three, what blocks or fears do you find rising up when you start thinking about this idea?

And last, this isn't a, "now you have to do this forever" kind of thing. So, the next few times conflict arises, no matter how small, these ideas work. Can you try going in just with trust and curiosity instead of an agenda? Maybe it helps to just start small. Just play with it and see what happens.

But I would suggest not doing it half-heartedly, because you won't learn much that way. You're hedging your bets. It's like, ah, I'm going to play with this. I'm going to try. I'm going to not come in with an agenda. If I'm somebody who likes to process things first, I'm going to process things first.

I'm going to have all sorts of ideas, but then I am not going to go in attached to any of them. Those are just going to be things I can pull out as I learn more in conversation with the other person. 

ANNA: It's just so fun to play with the ideas, because again, I think that's where the learning is. We learn like, okay, yeah, I do this. I see that I do this. Because a lot of times we don't even realize we're doing that, because we're just thinking in our head, how do we get through this? And so, it makes sense. But yeah, just playing with this, observing a little bit, stepping back and seeing like, okay, I see how these patterns happen in the conflicts that we have. And it would be interesting to try to change that to see how that feels to all of us. So, yeah, I think it's a lot of fun to play around.

PAM: Yeah. Yeah. And back to your idea of being efficient, right? I think that can be something that we play with. Or we're just uncomfortable leaving that space for this conflict to just sit for a while or even just disagreement or even just seeing things in different ways. Just allowing that to sit and we start to get a little bit more comfortable knowing that we're all learning more as we move more slowly through the process. Thanks so much for listening, everyone, and we will see you next time. Bye.

ANNA: Take care.