Why Losing Control Feels Like Losing Yourself: The Survival Response That’s COSTING You Connection

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If you’re the kind of mom who only feels okay when everything is under control (the house, your to-do list, the kids’ moods, even your own emotions), you can’t afford to miss this powerful interview with Dr. Hayden Finch on “control mode”: that subtle and often socially rewarded way high-achievers seek control to feel safe. Few, if any, moms realize their desire for control is actually a protective survival strategy your nervous system took on from a young age that’s now COSTING you connection. The more you need things “in order”, the more rigid, exhausted, and disconnected you become—especially in marriage and motherhood where control is basically impossible.

In this episode, we explore the real difference between healthy discipline and threat-driven control, how control sabotages connection with your kids and husband, how to start relaxing your grip without spiraling, and so much more. 

  

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• What “control mode” really is—yet why it actually doesn’t feel controlling at all
• Where control seeking comes from (hint: BOTH chaotic childhoods and perfectionistic childhoods can create the same compulsion)
• What really happens in your brain and nervous system when life feels out of control—and why rigidity increases under stress
• How trying to control or fix emotions (whether yours or others’) only blocks connection and authenticity
• How real change comes not from relinquishing the control mode mindset but from experiencing that you survive life without total control

 

AS MENTIONED:

Prior episode with Dr. Finch on procrastination and high functioning anxiety

Get more of Dr. Hayden Finch, a licensed clinical psychologist, behavior change expert, author, and founder of the Finch Center for High Functioning Anxiety:

• Website
• Book: The Psychology of Procrastination

 

When you start healing at the level of your nervous system, your whole home feels the difference. Sign up for a free consult and/or join my new 6-week program, Moms Made NewTM, to learn the six most fundamental life coaching skills EVERY mom needs to flourish.  

HOMEWORK:

Reflect on which path led you to strive to control things: a messy, chaotic childhood? A rigid, super strict childhood? Or a different experience later in life? Observe how it feels in your body when things feel OUT of control

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