Ep. 118: From Wedding Doubts to Deep Love: How My Avoidant Attachment Almost Sabotaged My Marriage

In this raw and deeply personal solo episode, Caitlin gets brutally honest about what really happened in the months leading up to her wedding - and it wasn't the fairy tale love bubble you see in movies. After recording this episode 35 times (yes, really), she finally lets it be messy and shares how her avoidant attachment patterns showed up in ways she never expected, how she almost convinced herself she was marrying the wrong person, and what she discovered when she dug beneath the surface of her doubts. This episode is the real, uncomfortable truth about what it takes to choose love when your nervous system is screaming "run."

This episode is for you if:

• You've ever doubted a good relationship and wondered if there's something "better" out there
• You struggle with intimacy even when you feel safe with someone
• You keep having the same arguments with your partner and can't figure out why
• You're terrified that loving someone deeply means you'll be destroyed if you lose them

What we'll cover:

• How avoidant attachment shows up differently in secure relationships versus toxic ones
• Why Caitlin felt like she was "missing spark" and what she discovered about her relationship to seduction and intimacy
• The mirror dynamic that showed her and her partner were actually facing the same fears
• The moment she realised her avoidance wasn't about commitment—it was about her terror of loss

Key points:

06:00:00 - The Wedding Doubt Spiral
Caitlin shares how the question "what if I regret it?" started consuming her thoughts three months before the wedding.

15:00:00 - Missing the Spark
Why she felt like something was missing in her relationship and what she discovered about her addiction to push-pull dynamics.

25:00:00 - The Seductress Shadow
How Caitlin realised she'd shut down parts of herself that brought aliveness because she'd only used them as manipulation tactics.

50:00:00 - The Deactivation Strategy
How Caitlin caught herself unconsciously starting fights to create distance when intimacy felt too vulnerable.

This episode is messy, real, and probably longer than it needed to be—just like relationships. Share your thoughts with us @shadowalchemycoachingacademy, especially if you've recognised your own patterns in Caitlin's story.

If you're in a relationship where someone isn't willing to meet you in curiosity and vulnerability, this episode might be the reality check you need. And if you're with someone who is willing to do the work, even when it's uncomfortable, maybe it's time to stop looking for problems and start co-creating solutions.