Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers
Kids & Family
Sheri Glucoft Wong, author of "Raising Kids," joins us to explain the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent and how it leads to positive influence.
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Full Show Notes
As parents, we all have those moments when communicating with our teen feels easy, and other times when no matter what we say, it leads to conflict. Why is that? What makes the difference between feeling effective vs ineffective?
This week we’re exploring that idea with our guest Sheri Glucoft Wong, a nationally recognized family therapist and author of Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting. Sheri introduces the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent – when you feel aligned in your head, heart, and gut about an issue, communicate it clearly to your teen, and they respond accordingly without a power struggle.
What does it mean to be “on your spot” and why does it create cooperation not conflict? How can we get “off our spot” and start grasping for leverage through threats and consequences? Sheri explains why threats often backfire and how a simple “tweak” using “when/then” language instead of “if/then” can turn things around.
The Power of Being “On Your Spot”
Being on your spot as a parent means you feel clear and aligned internally about an issue, so you can take a firm yet kind stance with your teen. Sheri shares how parents have no trouble insisting kids wear seatbelts in the car – they never threaten or bribe, they just know it’s non-negotiable. But with other issues, like manners or chore completion, they struggle because they’re not fully on their spot.
In our interview, Sheri describes how being on your spot means your head, heart, and gut all align – you intellectually know what your teen needs, you care enough to want that for them, and your instincts tell you it’s the right thing. When all three are lined up, you can stand firm calmly and prevail without resorting to power struggles.
From Threats to Incentives
When we’re off our spot as parents, we often start grasping for leverage over our teens through punishments and consequences. We take away devices or restrict privileges trying to motivate them. But Sheri explains that while limits are fine, threats rarely work and can backfire.
Instead of “if/then” threats, Sheri suggests “when/then” incentives. Rather than saying “if you don’t complete your homework, you lose phone privileges,” say “when you complete your homework, you can have phone time.” This small tweak eliminates the threatening tone and helps motivate cooperation.
Reframing Difficult Experiences
No matter how much we want to shield our teens from pain, they’ll inevitably face disappointments that are out of our control – a pandemic, social conflict, a lost game. But as Sheri explains, what truly shapes the impact isn’t what happens to teens, but rather what they make those events mean.
As parents, we have power to reframe difficult situations and influence how our teens internalize them. We can encourage resilience rather than victimhood by discussing values and modeling emotional management. By focusing on what they can control, not what happens to them, we help teens build lifelong coping skills.
Additional Topics:
If you enjoyed this episode, check out Sheri’s book Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting for more great insights!
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Ep 287: The Science of Raising a Genius
Ep 286: Embracing Self-Compassion in Parenting
Ep 285: Breaking the Cycle of Teen Drama
Ep 284: Understanding Your Tween: The Journey of Growth
Ep 283: Soothe Anxiety with...Food?
Ep 282: The Opportunity Gap - How Schools Perpetuate Inequity
Ep 281: Empowering Teen Girls
Ep 280: The Surprising Power of Hanging Out
Ep 279: "What Were You Thinking?" - Inside the Teenage Brain
Ep 278: The New Faces of Teen Addiction
Ep 277: Understanding Our Kids' Online World
Ep 276: Your Teen's Bullsh*t Brain
Ep. 275: Empowering Teens to Stay Alcohol-Free
Ep 274: Escaping the Villain Role
Ep 273: Lowering the Drama in Big Family Choices
Ep 272: Helping Teens Discuss Anxiety
Ep 271: Navigating the Teen Loneliness Epidemic
Ep 270: Parenting Beyond Social Media
Ep 268: How to Convince Stubborn Teens
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