484: The Real Reasons Successful Women Struggle with Intimacy with Sex Therapists Vanessa & Xander

For so many high-achieving women, intimacy becomes the one area of life that feels stuck, overwhelming, or even like another thing on the to-do list. In this episode, we’re diving into why with licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin (featured in The New York Times, Oprah, and more) and her husband and co-host Xander Marin.

Together, they break down the hidden pressures, perfectionism, and cultural myths that block successful women from experiencing the intimacy they actually want. From navigating the mental load and shifting gender roles to rebuilding desire after dry spells or postpartum, this conversation is equal parts practical and refreshing.

Vanessa and Xander share simple tools you can start using right away, like transition rituals, the “Get Intimate” method, and reframing foreplay - so intimacy feels less like work and more like connection. Whether you’re in a season of burnout, carrying the breadwinner role, or just craving more closeness, this episode will help you feel seen and give you realistic steps to reignite your relationship.

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 - Why successful women struggle with intimacy more than you think

02:45 - The hidden role of perfectionism and pressure in the bedroom

06:30 - Transition rituals that shift you out of “go mode” into connection

11:55 - How changing gender roles and breadwinner dynamics impact intimacy

19:40 - Mental load, resentment, and why it kills desire

28:15 - The “Get Intimate” method: gratitude, eye contact, and touch

33:50 - Why desire is overrated + what to focus on instead

38:35 - Rethinking foreplay: starting long before the bedroom

49:10 - Breaking dry spells and postpartum “sexual inertia”

55:25 - Is there a ‘normal’ frequency couples should be having sex?

01:01:10 - Practical tools for better quality, more connected intimacy

RESOURCES + LINKS

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