“How couples argue and disagree about issues appears to be more consequential to the success of marriage than what they argue about or how often they experience conflicts.”
To reword the above quote taken from an article by Hanzal and Segrin in the Journal of Family Communication, you could simply say “how we fight has far more influence on the future of our marriage, than what we fight about”.
Therefore, our fighting style, or how we fight
“How couples argue and disagree about issues appears to be more consequential to the success of marriage than what they argue about or how often they experience conflicts.”
To reword the above quote taken from an article by Hanzal and Segrin in the Journal of Family Communication, you could simply say “how we fight has far more influence on the future of our marriage, than what we fight about”.
Therefore, our fighting style, or how we fight, really matters.
Conflict in marriage arises from differences in preferences, backgrounds, and values between partners. Conflict in marriage is a natural and inevitable part of relationships, as two individuals bring together their unique perspectives, habits, and expectations.
Before I get into the different styles of fighting, we need to be aware that gender differences make a big difference in our fights. In fact, a husband and a wife will experience the same fight differently. Not just because they have different perspectives, but because they are different genders.
You might not be a typical couple, and that’s not necessarily a problem, but the following things, about how most couples operate are good to keep in mind.
Studies show women tend to be more negative in conflict and use confrontational behaviors that say “this is all about me”, rather than the marriage. The behaviors include being demanding, hostile, threatening, insulting and insisting that all the change should come from their husband. Research shows that wives tend to use more destructive conflict behaviors than husbands, which can contribute to higher divorce rates.
But to generalize men as well for a moment… Men are more likely to avoid. They get scared of the big emotions, so feel safer avoiding them altogether. Withdrawal behaviors, such as keeping quiet or leaving to cool down, especially when used by either husband, are linked to higher divorce rates.
Another thing for men to keep in mind is that the less influence a woman feels she has in her marriage, the bigger the artillery she has to use to gain influence, so the more confrontational she will be.
Husbands, if you want a happier wife, receive her influence!
Remember, both husband and wife have the same end goal of trying to save the marriage, but they come at it from two completely different angles. Couples who engage in a demand-withdraw pattern, where one partner demands and the other spouse withdraws, are at a higher risk for divorce.
Not only do they have different perspectives, but conflict behaviors in the early years of marriage can predict divorce rates over a span of 16 years. Some conflicts in marriage are perpetual and rooted in fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle, and unresolvable conflicts are inherent in all relationships because each partner is a unique person with their own reality. Nearly 70% of all marriage conflicts are considered perpetual and essentially unresolvable, but healthy conflict in marriage can lead to growth and deeper intimacy when managed well.
Introduction to Conflict
If you’re reading this, you likely understand that conflict is a natural part of your relationship journey—and yes, that includes your marriage. No matter how deeply you love your spouse, you will face moments when disagreements surface—whether they center on finances, parenting decisions, control dynamics, or simply the overwhelming pressures of daily life. Here’s what truly matters: it’s not whether conflict happens in your relationship, but how you and your partner navigate these challenges together as a united team.
Learning to resolve conflict in a healthy, constructive way represents one of the most transformative skills you can develop for building the strong, loving marriage you deserve. Your marital conflicts often emerge from the beautiful complexity of bringing together two unique individuals—each of you carries distinct opinions, values, and personality traits that make you who you are. The key lies in approaching these differences with genuine mutual respect and a deep willingness to understand not only your own emotional experience, but your partner’s inner world as well.
Effective conflict resolution begins with developing strong communication skills that will serve your relationship for years to come. This means you’ll practice active listening with intention, express your feelings with honesty and vulnerability (while avoiding the destructive patterns of finger-pointing or blame), and together create a safe emotional space where both of you feel truly heard and valued. Relationship expert John Gottman’s research demonstrates that couples who invest in truly listening and empathizing with each other experience far greater success in resolving conflicts and actually strengthening their bond through these challenges.
It’s also essential for you to recognize that some disagreements—what Gottman identifies as “perpetual conflicts”—may never find complete resolution, and that’s perfectly normal. Rather than allowing these ongoing issues to create resentment or letting yourselves go to bed carrying anger, you and your partner can work collaboratively to address the deeper underlying concerns and discover constructive pathways forward. By genuinely acknowledging each other’s perspectives and functioning as a true partnership, you can prevent minor tensions from escalating into major threats to your relationship’s foundation.
When you or your spouse feels hurt or misunderstood, addressing those vulnerable feelings with genuine care and shared responsibility becomes absolutely crucial. By avoiding blame and focusing your energy on deep understanding, both of you can feel supported and valued, even during moments of disagreement. Remember, your goal isn’t to “win” any argument, but to discover solutions that honor both of your needs while strengthening the intimate connection you share.
By making conflict resolution a central priority in your marriage, you’re making a profound investment in a relationship that can not only survive life’s inevitable challenges but actually emerge stronger and more resilient over time. Whether you’re working through a specific difficult situation or simply navigating the everyday complexities of married life, developing the skills to manage conflict with empathy, respect, and open communication will help you build the loving, lasting partnership you both envision for your future together.
Anger in Marital Conflict
One thing that surprised us in the research for this topic, was that an angry wife has a far greater negative impact on marital satisfaction than an equally angry husband. The Proverb that says ”It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” apparently is very true!
It’s important to remember that hurt feelings in marriage can occur even when neither spouse has done anything wrong, often due to unmet expectations.
Wives need to take their anger seriously! Yes, male anger can be more dangerous (and I don’t want to minimize that in any ways, but in non-abusive marriages a wife’s anger not only lowers their marriage satisfaction but their husband’s as well.
The angrier we become (this goes for both husbands and wives but I’m specifically thinking of women), the more tempted we are to use nasty behavior such as demand, withdrawal, contempt, and criticism; all of which are particularly corrosive to marital well-being. Instead, expressing feelings openly and calmly, and acknowledging when you or your spouse feel hurt, can prevent anger from festering and help foster understanding and empathy.
When anger has caused hurt, offering a genuine apology is valuable—sincere apologies can help heal wounds and strengthen the bond between partners.
Styles
Dr. John Gottman identified several marital conflict styles that describe how couples typically handle disagreements. Every marriage has its own particular set of disagreements, often rooted in the unique backgrounds, temperaments, and experiences of the two individuals involved. These differences naturally lead to relationship problems, as couples encounter conflicting desires and expectations. For example, a typical relationship problem might involve disagreements about money, division of chores, or parenting approaches. Couples often find themselves having the same argument repeatedly without resolution, which can lead to feelings of unfair treatment and misunderstanding. It’s important to recognize that most unresolvable marriage conflicts involve differences of opinion rather than moral issues, making it possible for couples to agree to disagree and address these challenges constructively.
This model of fighting styles is taken from Dr. Gottman’s study in 1993. The first three are functional and work fine. The last two are considered unstable.
1. Avoiders
Typical Behaviors
- Avoiders don’t think they are avoiders but don’t have any specific strategies for resolving conflict.
- They may wait stuff out or even talk stuff out, but never really go deep with each other.
- They kind of state their points, reaffirm their common ground and move on after coming up with some ambiguous solution.
Impact on Marriage
- When issues are left unresolved, couples may end up feeling distant and lonely.
- Often have the same argument repeatedly without resolution, leading to feelings of unfair treatment and misunderstanding.
- Avoiders tend to shy away from open conversation, which is essential to solve problems and build intimacy.
- Couples who avoid discussing their differences are less happy over time, particularly women.
Tips for Improvement
- Agree to start opening up to each other and stop bottling up issues in your marriage.
- Practice active listening and make time for honest conversations.
- Consider taking a communication and conflict resolution course like Talk To Me 101.
- Compromise and find solutions that benefit both partners, such as alternating preferences for vacations or family gatherings.
2. Volatiles
Typical Behaviors
- Volatiles come straight at each other.
- They disagree and try to persuade each other.
- They produce a lot of drama: both positive and negative.
- Value arguing and really work hard at convincing each other.
Impact on Marriage
- While they value arguing, it’s important for volatiles to focus on expressing feelings openly and having constructive conversations, rather than just arguing.
- Healthy conversation—where both partners actively listen and share their emotions without blame—can help resolve marriage conflict more effectively.
- These folks can bicker pretty good but passionate love-making will likely follow.
Tips for Improvement
- Adhere to good ground rules for arguments.
- Be careful not to shift to hostile behaviors.
- Maintain a solid fondness and admiration system as a base in your marriage.
- Focus on finding solutions together, not just winning arguments.
3. Validators and Mutual Respect
Typical Behaviors
- Validators tend to walk the middle line.
- There is conflict but there’s ease and calm too and each spouse is trying to validate the other.
- This could look like clear empathy or a lot of “Mm hmm’s”.
Impact on Marriage
- Validators show empathy by actively listening to understand the other’s feelings, rather than just responding.
- Acknowledging each other’s feelings and viewpoints helps build a sense of intimacy and mutual respect.
- Listening and acknowledging is more important than winning the argument.
- This is a calmer approach to marriage, and it sounds rosy (and is!) but the romance can dissipate and the marriage can end up as a close friendship.
Tips for Improvement
- Watch out for over-empathizing to the point of avoiding necessary, honest feedback.
- Tell your spouse the uncomfortable things they may need to hear.
- Use a solution-oriented approach to transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection.
4. Hostiles
Typical Behaviors
- Hostiles have very negative conversations.
- There is always lots of defensiveness, lots of globalizing and each spouse is very judgmental.
Impact on Marriage
- Destructive conflict behaviors, such as criticism and yelling, are linked to higher divorce rates.
- Focusing on who is ‘wrong’ or assigning blame can escalate marriage conflict and further damage the relationship.
- It is always a downward spiral.
Tips for Improvement
- Actively seek help, such as reading Dr. Gottman’s books or pursuing marriage counseling.
- Practice active listening and use ‘I’ statements.
- Set boundaries and prioritize quality time to rebuild trust.
5. Hostile/Detached and Perpetual Conflicts
Typical Behaviors
- Hostile/Detached couples normally have little or no emotional involvement with each other.
- Occasionally they may get into a hostile spat, often about trivial matters.
Impact on Marriage
- Emotional distancing and lack of involvement from one or the other partner can lead to ongoing relationship problems and feelings of disconnection.
- Intimacy issues often arise when partners have mismatched needs for physical or emotional closeness, which can undermine the health and longevity of the marriage.
Tips for Improvement
- Seek professional help to address emotional distance and rebuild connection.
- Focus on increasing emotional involvement and addressing underlying issues.
So, what kind of couple are you?
Ideally, you want to be validators and have a little avoidance so you know you’re normal and then a little sprinkle of volatility just to spice things up a bit!
How Can We Do Better at Conflict Resolution?
Here are actionable steps for each conflict style:
Avoiders
- Agree to start opening up to each other and stop bottling up issues in your marriage.
- Practice teamwork and active listening.
- Realize and accept each person’s reality.
- Take a communication and conflict resolution course like Talk To Me 101.
- Compromise and find creative solutions that honor both partners’ positions.
Volatiles
- Stick to good ground rules during disagreements.
- Avoid shifting into hostile behaviors.
- Maintain a strong foundation of fondness and admiration.
- Focus on mutual support and understanding.
Validators
- Be mindful of over-empathizing; sometimes honest feedback is necessary.
- Communicate uncomfortable truths when needed.
- Use a solution-oriented approach to turn conflicts into opportunities for growth.
Hostiles or Hostile/Detached
- Actively seek help, such as reading Dr. Gottman’s books or pursuing marriage counseling.
- Practice active listening and use ‘I’ statements.
- Set boundaries, ensure financial transparency, and prioritize quality time.
- Build trust through honesty and address defensiveness.
- Work towards compromise and rebuilding connection.
Image courtesy of Raul Lieberwirth under the Creative Commons license.
