006 – I Forgave Her When My Son Was Born

In adoption, Julie grew up in the Midwest with a family of trans racial adoptees. Her brothers are adopted from Vietnam, and her sister is white. Each of them has a different perspective on searching for their biological families. Julie has always been curious. She told me that in the moments after her son was born and he was placed in her arms, she could forgive her biological mother, and release the anger she previously felt about her rejection. In that moment, she clearly understood the everlasting bond of a mother to her child.

The post 006 – I Forgave Her When My Son Was Born appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Julie (00:00):

Yeah. When I had my son, like the moment I gave birth to him, I will say like the second he was placed in my arm and my first thought was at my birth mom and I just, I, I let go of all the anger.

Voices (00:21):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:32):

This is Who Am I Really, a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. Hey, it's Damon and in this show. I had the great pleasure of catching up with my old friend Julie. We met over 10 years ago and as it often happens with me, we bonded over being adoptees, but she was already seeking her biological family and had been at it for a long time when we met. When we first knew one another, she had located her family of origin and her social worker had been in touch with them, but for some reason they had not actually made the connection. Julie moved away so I never got to hear what happened next for her. I've wondered about Julie for years. So today she finally satisfied my curiosity.

Damon (01:17):

Thank you so much for taking time to join me for this. I have been so excited to talk to you for like years. Honestly. I mean, you'll recall you and I first met back. What was that?

Julie (01:29):

2003. Yep.

Damon (01:29):

We bonded over being adoptees. I recall one of the conversations that we had around the fact that you had begun to search for your biological family. So I'm really excited to hear the update because I, I've honestly, I've thought about you off and on for years wondering how your story unfolded. So I, I can't wait to get to the end, but for right now, what I'd love for you to do is just take me back to the beginning. Tell me a little bit about, you know, how you grew up, where you grew up, what your family structure was like, and just generally how it was being an adoptee in your family.

Julie (02:07):

Sure. So I was born in Chicago and, and immediately placed into foster care because my birth mom knew that she wasn't going to keep me. And I'll give you some backstory and a little bit of on that side of the family. But in my, um, in my adoptive family, which I typically just refer to as my family, um, I'm the fourth, I'm the youngest, I'm the baby and I'm the fourth child and all four of the kids in my family are adopted. And so my oldest sister is white. And then my brother, my next oldest brother is, uh, black and Vietnamese. And then I have a brother who's Vietnamese and probably something else. Um, we're not entirely sure. Both of them were, uh, both of them were, were they, I mean the Vietnamese war orphans and so we don't have accurate records on them and that includes like their age, their accurate birthdays. Um, so they were given records most likely as kids who already passed, which is typical. And so then

Damon (03:12):

Thy were transferred records, they basically have someone else's records, you think?

Julie (03:15):

Yes.

Damon (03:16):

Wow.

Julie (03:16):

Yeah, because so because, um, so this is a story that's like, you know, part of our family folklore. But, um, when my older brother came over and was finally having like, you know, immediately had his first doctor visit, the doctor was very clear with my parents that this child was at least six to nine months older than the age that they had reported to him, that they had been told.

Damon (03:37):

wow.

Julie (03:38):

Um, malnourished. Certainly him, both of my brothers were a malnourished when they came, um, and, and uh, and sick and so probably older than their actual years and maybe not a full year older, but definitely not that birthday that we have for them. Um, and so then, so they had those, those three, and they're kind of, they're stairstep and they're, I think between like five and eight years older than me. And then it came time and my parents decided that they wanted to adopt again and again, like family folklore, there was a little girl in Dallas, Texas, and then there was me in Chicago.

Julie (04:12):

And, um, my brother, my oldest brother, Jeff, is the one who decided that we should adopt me because we needed more brown skin in the family.

Damon (04:21):

Ah, that's so cute!

Julie (04:21):

Um, yeah. Yeah. And so actually my first picture, um, that I keep on my fridge is that my brother Jeff holding me.

Damon (04:29):

Oh, that's really awesome.

Julie (04:29):

On the day that the, yeah, on the day I was placed. And uh, and so yeah. So they went with me. And I also think because the other little girl had a lot of health issues too, and I was a healthy baby, so I think that that was worked in my favor certainly. Yup.

Damon (04:44):

I see. Wow.

Julie (04:44):

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So, you know, there's like kind of the three months, three or four month waiting period rather than foster care. Um, and then on March 18th, I was placed with my adoptive family and have been with them since.

Julie (05:02):

And so, um, I was raised in river falls, uh, which is a, which is a fairly small college town, about 16,000 in Wisconsin. Um, so it was definitely like my brothers and I were probably about half of the black kids in town or like, actually the color in general in town. We knew, I mean there were a couple kids who were biracial, but for the most part, any, any kids of color were adoptees or um, you know, that part of western Wisconsin also, uh, pulled in a lot of refugees. And so initially, you know, they were, the Vietnamese refugees came over and a lot of the churches around offer a lot of services and then eventually, you know, among refugees came over. So there were some times other people of color, um, who were with their, um, you know, families of origin, but for the most part students of color to be adoptees and we knew all of them cause the adoptive community was obviously small and um, and so we were all kind of well connected and so it didn't seem, even though we were anomaly overall in my personal circle, it wasn't anything too unique.

Damon (06:13):

interesting. You know, I always think about folks in a interracial family and how it's always awesome to see, but I always wonder about the adoptees feeling about looking anything like, or not at all alike, their parents. And what I'm hearing you say is that in your entire community, basically that was the norm, was that there were so many adoptees that didn't look like their bylaws, their adopted parents, that, um, that it was, it was just normal.

Julie (06:46):

Well, yeah, I would say it's not that there was so many, it's that there were probably like four other families who happened to be part of my parents that got through because they all had transracial adoption situation. Right. And so because we kind of kept together, that wasn't, it didn't, I wasn't singled out in that way. I mean, I was almost always the only person of color in my classroom all the way through elementary and middle school and into high school. And there were other kids of color in my grade, but we just didn't always end up in the same class. So I would say I was probably like one of five or six in my grade the whole way through.

Damon (07:24):

Wow. So yeah, constant reminder to a degree that you are a little bit out of place. That's fascinating. So how did your parents, do you feel comfortable with the fact that you are adoptees?

Julie (07:37):

Um, it, for, in my household it was always on the table for discussion. And so, I mean obviously because we weren't the same color as our parents, like it was clear. And even even for my sister who was white, it was just clear that none of us came from them. And so we could always talk about adoption and, um, I feel like I was, I was the most open about talking about mine. I remember, um, I remember when the movie, the land before time came out and little foot loses his mom at the beginning. And I was so sad and I remember sitting on my mom's lap and you know, she was like, does this make you think about your mom? I was like, it doesn't, I'm just, you know, I was crying, but that was never, I never got the sense from her that she was uncomfortable with me talking about my birth mom and my birth dad.

Julie (08:20):

Um, and, and they had like in their file cabinet, they had records. And so I had a copy of my adoptive, of like my, my doctor's records. So like my, um, my mom and dad's information not identifying information. I had like first names, ages, ethnicities, eye color like height, weight, kind of as basic physical demographics I also knew how many siblings they each had, the first names of their parents. Um, and, and, and my mom made me my own copy of that so I could always have it and look at it when I wanted. I did find out years later that she had identified information she wasn't allowed to give it to me until I was 21. I didn't know that until I was 21 that she had even more info. But what she could give me, I could have at any time I was feeling sad or needed to talk, it was just always open for me. I would say I've probably been the most open of my siblings and the most comfortable talking about that.

Damon (09:15):

That's so interesting. And it's fascinating too. I guess your parents probably would have had a lot of practice being that you were preceded by three siblings who were also adopted and they would have had questions and they would have had practice trying to help them feel comfortable. But the fact that you were so open about it personally and they provided you access to the information to say, listen, this is you and this is us. And uh, and he and we can talk about this anytime. I think that's, that's really incredible.

Julie (09:43):

It fits my personality too. Um, and then, you know, with my brothers it's more complicated because, um, there was no real way to share any specific information with my brothers. And so one thing my parents did years later that my parents took the boys over to Vietnam for three weeks or four weeks, one summer so that they could at least visit like their country of origin and see the orphanages and see the country where they were from. That was the closest they could do for my brothers to have a sense of identity as well.

Damon (10:15):

That must be so hard for them to know that their personal history will always be at such a distance because the documentation from their home country, I mean was just completely fouled up from the beginning. It's really kind of sad for them. But, um, I'm, I mean I hope that they, you know, feel very comfortable in the family that you all created together. So

Julie (10:36):

I think we also like family. There's moments obviously of like its just like any family, sometimes we don't speak to each others. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we holler. Sometimes it's all love.

Damon (10:46):

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would imagine the dynamic is the same. It doesn't matter whether or not you guys consider yourselves brothers and sisters. You're going to battle and have fun like sisters. That's really it.

Julie (10:56):

Exactly. We all know how to drive each other crazy and we all know how to lift each other up. So.

Damon (11:02):

so you were really comfortable as an adoptee in your family, which is really awesome to hear. But there, there was a time at some point when you decided that you actually actively wanted to search. You wanted to find out or what? Tell me a little bit about how you reached that point. What were some of the triggers that just said, you know what, I think it might be interesting. All right. I got to know...