# 147 - Authentic Kindness vs. People Pleasing: How to Be Kind Without Losing Yourself

2025-12-31

Download

Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today.In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores a subtle but powerful distinction that shapes relationships, burnout, and self-worth: the difference between authentic kindness and people pleasing.On the surface, they can look identical - being helpful, agreeable, and generous. But internally, they come from very different places. Authentic kindness is rooted in choice, alignment, and self-respect. People pleasing is driven by fear, survival, and the nervous system’s need f...

Ask The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast a Question. Text the TLT Pod today.

In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores a subtle but powerful distinction that shapes relationships, burnout, and self-worth: the difference between authentic kindness and people pleasing.

On the surface, they can look identical - being helpful, agreeable, and generous. But internally, they come from very different places. Authentic kindness is rooted in choice, alignment, and self-respect. People pleasing is driven by fear, survival, and the nervous system’s need for safety.

Together, we unpack:

How people pleasing often develops as a trauma-informed survival response (including the fawn response)
Why women and trauma survivors are especially conditioned to prioritize others over themselves
The psychological cost of chronic self-abandonment
Practical litmus tests to tell whether your “yes” is grounded or fear-based
Gentle ways to begin setting boundaries without guilt or losing connection

This episode is an invitation to move toward a kinder, more honest way of relating - one where generosity doesn’t require self-erasure, and boundaries and compassion work together.

As always, this episode is for education and reflection, not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you’re in emotional distress, please reach out to a licensed professional or call/text 988 in the U.S. for 24/7 support.

References & Resources

People Pleasing, Codependency & Trauma

Harriet Braiker, The Disease to Please
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60497.The_Disease_to_Please
Psychology Today – The Fawn Response
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fight-flight-freeze
Psych Central – Fawning Trauma Response
https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response

Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion
https://self-compassion.org
Free Self-Compassion Scale & practices
https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test

Boundaries & Assertiveness

Robert Alberti & Michael Emmons, Your Perfect Right
https://www.amazon.com/Your-Perfect-Right-Assertiveness/dp/1891280010
Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace
https://www.nedratawwab.com

Additional Mental Health Support