Digging up the past

What are the rules about bringing things up from the past? 

In relationships, partners often bring up the past during arguments in the present. Why does this happen, when is it legitimate, and how do we handle it?  In this episode, Emil answers all these questions and more.

 Why do people bring up past events:

1.     They are unsure of how to communicate their feelings of disappointment in the present and use past events or behaviors to support, intensify, or accentuate the expression of their current feelings. Using past events in this way is an attempt to gain understanding from their partner but is not legitimate and not effective.  

 2.     The past behavior is unresolved. Resolving an issue requires creating a specific plan of action and following through on that plan. If a partner is pointing out a behavior that is ongoing, it is a legitimate reason to bring up the past and can be addressed by properly resolving the issue at hand.

When the past is brought up, how do you respond?

If your partner is bringing up the past, ask them, “Are you bringing this up from the past because it’s something that you think is a pattern (and hasn’t been resolved), or are you just having a hard time letting me know how disappointed you are in this moment?”

If it’s a pattern, take the time to resolve it. If it is the latter, listen to your partner and validate their feelings. After they feel heard, ask if your partner is willing to hear your why.

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