Invisible Work in Marriage: Why “He Helps” Still Leads to Burnout and Resentment with Jordan Carlos

You know that feeling when you say, “He helps.”

He does chores. He shows up. He’s not checked out.

And yet… you’re still exhausted.

If that’s you, you are not ungrateful. You are not asking for too much. And you are not broken.

In this episode, JoAnn sits down with comedian, actor, and author Jordan Carlos to talk about invisible work in marriage — what it really is, why “helping” still leaves one partner carrying the mental load, and what true responsibility sharing actually looks like in everyday family life.

Because the problem isn’t whether the dishes get done.

The problem is who is still managing the fact that they need to get done.

Jordan shares candidly about his own marriage, how COVID forced him to see the invisible labor his wife was carrying, and the mindset shift that moved him from “assistant” to actual partner.

This conversation is honest, funny, and practical — and it will help you rethink how responsibility lives in your home.

What We Cover in This Episode

1. What Invisible Work Really Is

Invisible work isn’t just chores. It’s tracking schedules, noticing when you’re low on toothpaste, remembering spirit days, and managing the emotional temperature of the house.

When one partner carries the mental load — even if the other “helps” — burnout and resentment quietly build.

2. Why “Helping” Keeps One Person in Charge

When someone helps, there is still a manager.

• Delegating
• Noticing
• Reminding
• Carrying responsibility if something falls through

Jordan talks about the moment he realized he was “redundant” in his own home — and how that realization changed everything.

3. The Resentment Signal

Resentment doesn’t show up overnight. It builds in the sighs, the tension, and the feeling of being alone in daily life.

Small shifts — like doing things without being asked — can dramatically lower that emotional temperature.

4. Responsibility Sharing vs. 50/50

What’s equal isn’t always fair. And what’s fair isn’t always equal.

True partnership isn’t about splitting every task down the middle. It’s about shared ownership. It’s about both adults seeing the home as theirs to steward.

Jordan shares how stepping into responsibility — not waiting for instructions — shifted his marriage in meaningful ways.

5. Why Self-Care Supports Partnership

When both partners take care of themselves, they show up better in the relationship.

Responsibility sharing doesn’t mean depletion. It means two adults who are capable, aware, and engaged.

Why This Episode Matters

So many overwhelmed moms feel guilty for wanting more support.

• “He does a lot already.”
• “I don’t want to nag.”
• “Maybe this is just marriage.”

But when invisible work stays invisible, emotional disconnection grows.

This episode gives language to what you may have been feeling for years. It also gives you a starting place — not to control your partner, but to shift how responsibility is shared in your home.

Partnership isn’t about doing more. It’s about no longer carrying it alone.

Resources Mentioned

• Chore Play: The Marriage Saving Magic of Getting Your Head Out of Your Ass by Jordan Carlos
• Jordan Carlos— comedian, actor, and writer (The Nightly Show, Black Mirror, Everything’s Trash)

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