Fire the Canon

Goosebumps 5: The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb (Patreon Bonus)

Welcome to our spooooooky Halloween bonus episode that we put out at the exact right time! One could also think of it as being right on time, because as Host Jackie likes to say, it's spooky season until Thanksgiving, and then it is Christmas. We hope you enjoy the visual gag we smartly included in this audio-only podcast. :) In this episode we discuss Goosebumps 5, The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb by R. L. Stein, in which an annoying child gets himself wrapped up (get it?) in supernatural misadventures, but this time, it’s in Egypt! Nikita discusses her Encyclopedia phase. Bekah insults a fictional child. Jackie tries and fails to get everyone pumped up. Rachel critiques someone’s kidnapping instincts.Topics include: ethnic ambiguity, whether you should drink a Coke when you’re dying, Doogie Howser, M.D., Egypt phases, a super hot guy with an unfriendly face, the Taming of the Shrew sequel, Encarta, pre-9/11 airport security, the Lost Refrigerator of Money, the worst most dangerable time, Kermit the Frog, snappy scorpions, scented toilet paper, an ancient high school ring, fuck-ass cousins who make fun of you all the time, and shrimpification.This is a free preview of a Patreon bonus episode. To get full access to this and other bonus episodes, sign up for a support tier at patreon.com/firethecanon! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The Life and Times of J.D. Salinger: One Testicle Too Many

Welcome to Season 7! We're kicking things off with an author bio of the one and only JD Salinger, a man of few words and fewer balls. Rachel has a healthy 6-month old Book. Bekah is a newly engaged, newly minted doctor. Jackie has a brand new computer that, it turns out, is sadly awful at audio processing but is soon to be replaced. Nikita is on vacation and Jackie definitely doesn't hate her.Topics include: two-timing two kids, Sylvia the maybe former N*zi, getting rejected from The New Yorker about a hundred times, a meeting with Hemingway, clarinet nightmares, the best actor at Camp Wigwam, Shalom in the Home, an exhaustive list enumerating everything wrong with Catcher, Charlie Chaplin aka Mista Steal Yo Girl, swinging one's thyroid around one's head, and Vienna, Italy.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Frankenstein Finale: We're ALIIIIIIIVVEEE!!

Wow, you thought we were dead! No, we were just taking a prolonged nap... in the dirt... in a cemetery... look, things got a little rocky in the lives of your hosts for a while, but fear not, we are back and renewed and ready to go. We were just building anticipation, you know? Rachel's baby is in a sort of Schödinger's box situation - she exists (now now) and doesn't exist (now at the time of recording). Jackie sucks and apologizes for sucking. Bekah helpfully reminds everyone what the heck happened in the last installment. Nikita is given the honor of the stinger at the end of the episode. Topics include: the answer to the age-old question of how bald Book Best is, the type of siblings who want a more intimate relationship, uterus didelphys, hasty hysterectomies, a genetically-not-great marriage prospect, heavy foreshadowing about a guy who just loves being alive, Frankenstein-inspired nightmares, the literal fighting Irish, a very disturbing dentistry story, an extraordinarily old pregnant woman, the return of the Corn Man, and a lot - a LOT - of jumping out of windows.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Frankenstein Part 2: The Demon of Bulimia, the Gift of Murder

Welcome back for part 2 of the amazing Frankenstein, or: a pale nerd who sucks, has sucked, and will continue to suck. In this penultimate part of the series, we hear the story of The Creature's early life and the family he watched do literally everything for like two years without them knowing. Bekah has to exorcise her cat. Rachel doesn't know the difference between colonoscopies and prostate exams, she just knows something goes up a butt. Jackie had many, many chances to read this book. Nikita is the only one who makes any sense, earning her the title of The Kermit of the Podcast.Topics include: wonderful ligaments, interviewing the author of Tire Discounters ads, riches to rags and it stays at rags, a schlong that's probably bigger than Victor's, skin-colored leggings, weird shirts from Jackie's grandma, and the joy of boating at night alone on a dark lake with a monster nearby. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Frankenstein Part 1: It's Always Bad to be a Deadbeat Dad

Amidst a long, dark winter, which only now may be loosening its icy grip, we emerge from the shadows to bring you part 1 of 3 of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley's 'Frankenstein, or: The Modern Prometheus'. We meet Victor, his family (only one of whom does he have romantic inclinations toward - can we say woke king?), and his best friend, the Clerv. Join us to learn just what can go wrong when you spend all your formative years reading the 1800s equivalent of Dianetics, skip 90% of your chemistry classes, and then endeavor to create the perfect human from scratch. Bekah wants to take a peek at a baby butt. Rachel boobytraps a stranger in a toilet. Nikita repeatedly insists she doesn't actively want to eat a person, but it gets weird after a while. Jackie gets absolutely dogpiled by the rest of the crew.Topics include: racial profiling of monsters, cannibalism, looking homeless in Milan, the brain changes that lead postpartum mothers to suddenly start sending everyone pictures of child butts, making lerv in this clerv, Lenny and the bunnies, Wendy's, Soylent Green, a wet angry lady, and the fanciest bathroom in Italy. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★