The Emil Show - All Things Relational

The Passive Aggressive Response

Dealing with passive aggressive comments are some of the hardest statements to respond to. Using the "translation" process it helps us protect our boundaries from these hurtful comments without creating a fight. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness

Closing the Emotional Gap

What is emotional connection? Why does it often decrease over time in relationships and how can we get it back? Emotional connection or intimacy is sometimes hard to describe, but it's easy to know when it's gone. In this episode, Emil discusses the pattern of decreasing emotional investment in relationships and how to turn things around. Creating shared emotional experiences is the key to connection. Emotional intimacy is the attunement and resonation of our emotional experiences. When emotions are understood and validated, they become a shared experience. Below is an exercise to sharpen skills needed for emotional intimacy.Learn to share emotions:Identify an emotion. Use an emotions chart or feelings wheel to pick an emotion. Look up what that emotion means. Share a story that makes that emotion make sense. Learn to identify the emotions of your partner:When your partner is speaking, look for the emotions they are expressing.Try to recognize the emotion in the story and then share with your partner. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness

The Happiness Dilemma

Is happiness really a choice? What role should your partner play in your happiness? In this episode, Emil describes the roles and responsibilities we have as individuals and as partners regarding happiness. He explains why taking responsibility for your partner’s happiness can lead to an amazing marriage. But what if your partner is never happy regardless of your efforts? What if they don’t try to make you happy? Emil discusses the role of personal responsibility and when it may be time to change your circumstances. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness

The Secret to Marital Bliss)

What is the secret to a great marriage?  This is the most frequent question that I receive. The answer is simple: seeking, receiving, and responding to feedback. In this episode, I share how feedback is the key to true closeness.  I explain why the purpose of marriage is growth and becoming our best selves, not comfort and convenience.Feedback Check-In1.      I am working on __________.2.      On a scale of 1-10, how am I doing on _________?3.      What can I do to move that number closer to 10?4.      What else can I do to make to make you (my partner) feel love and like a priority?For a copy of Emil’s Feedback Check-In handout, email him at emil@emilharker.comGet your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness

Digging up the past

What are the rules about bringing things up from the past?  In relationships, partners often bring up the past during arguments in the present. Why does this happen, when is it legitimate, and how do we handle it?  In this episode, Emil answers all these questions and more. Why do people bring up past events:1.     They are unsure of how to communicate their feelings of disappointment in the present and use past events or behaviors to support, intensify, or accentuate the expression of their current feelings. Using past events in this way is an attempt to gain understanding from their partner but is not legitimate and not effective.   2.     The past behavior is unresolved. Resolving an issue requires creating a specific plan of action and following through on that plan. If a partner is pointing out a behavior that is ongoing, it is a legitimate reason to bring up the past and can be addressed by properly resolving the issue at hand.When the past is brought up, how do you respond?If your partner is bringing up the past, ask them, “Are you bringing this up from the past because it’s something that you think is a pattern (and hasn’t been resolved), or are you just having a hard time letting me know how disappointed you are in this moment?”If it’s a pattern, take the time to resolve it. If it is the latter, listen to your partner and validate their feelings. After they feel heard, ask if your partner is willing to hear your why.Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness