3 Ways To Support Your Spouse When You Disagree

I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth would I want to support my spouse when we’re fighting? Well, because you want to stay married, that’s why. That’s the “brutally-loving” truth! But, there’s more. It makes fighting productive. Yes. That’s right. I mean it. It actually makes the conflict helpful for your marriage.   Now, I could go down a rabbit trail about why fighting is good for your marriage but I want you to think about your beliefs about fighting and disagreeing instead. We generally assume that as conflict increases in a marriage, the couple’s satisfaction with their marriage decreases. That’s a good assumption. It is usually correct. But focusing on stopping the conflict as a way to improve satisfaction just leads to avoidance. That’s not going to work. Research in a study presented by Cramer (2003) pointed out that if you focus on unconditional acceptance, understanding and openness, as those increase, marriage satisfaction increases regardless of the quantity of conflict. Pretty cool, hey? This underlines the importance of focusing on the positive, of affirming what you want more of, and overall, the importance of building a healthy, thriving marriage. When that is in place, it’s not about how much you fight any more. I want you to worry more about the quality of your marriage (infusing the good) rather than the quantity of your disagreements. In terms of positive things you can bring to your next disagreement, let’s look at three that are critical. These skills will improve the quality of your marriage. Listen We talk a lot about listening because it is important! Non-defensive listening is vital here. This is a skill that helps “partners to focus their attention on what the other person is saying and to attempt to really understand it. This skill reduces interruptions and the preoccupation with defending oneself and formulating retorts” (Gottman, 1994). That’s a critical definition, and a useful one. You might want to even write that down. Of course, to listen non-defensively is a challenge when we’re already ticked off at our spouse. But you’re doing this for your marriage, not just yourself, right? To listen in this manner is going to require self-restraint. As in, restraining your impulse to dispute your spouse’s perceptions. Don’t worry, the research confirms this is going to be a challenge: “Non-defensive listening requires significant self-control, particularly when there is an important disagreement and passions run high” Fowers, (2001). Think of this as a skill. Like learning to ride a bike, you won’t get it right the first time. There’ll be bumps and scrapes but eventually you will make this a habit. And when you do, you’ll have discovered that you can keep your partner speaking while you exercise self-restraint. This is a huge act of generosity! It is giving to your spouse the gift of attention and interest and it’s sending your spouse the signal that you believe he or she has something worthwhile to say. So we can be generous or miserly with each other. But generosity, remember, is a top five predictor of successful marriage and so I’m challenging you to be generous by choosing to listen well. Validate Of course, if you are doing a good job of listening you’ll be well positioned to validate your spouse. Validation can be as simple as what we therapists call “listener backchannels”. As in, those simple verbal cues that tell the other person you’re following them. Things like, “mmhmm” and “yeah…” and nodding, eye contact and all that good stuff. When you do this it doesn’t need to mean that you agree. But it is just saying to your spouse that you’re listening, you’re interested, and you may have your own point of view but you want to hear him or her out. That’s the key point. I’m not asking you to agree with your spouse. I am asking you to communicate that you understand her/his feelings and you acknowledge those...