387: How do you know what you want?

In todays episode, Betsy shares insight on how to navigate your desires when you aren’t aware they exist! What DO you want after so many years of taking care of what everyone else needed?
She examines why this is such important work for you to do, why it happens the way it does and gives you two great tips to start to open up to thinking a new way.

Transcript:

[00:00:00] Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hello. Hello everyone. Welcome to The Art of Living Big. I’m excited that you’re here today. I wanna talk about something. Well, I have a little story to tell you and then I wanna talk about something that people ask me a lot and it’s something that I have given a lot of thought to because it is a really, really good question.

So here’s the question people ask me. How do I know what I want? And I don’t think they’re asking me this about marriage necessarily, although that is what people come to me for, right? To figure [00:01:00] out what they want in their relationship. But I think when people message me this, they’re talking about it in general.

I had someone recently that reached out and said, I listened to your podcast and you talk a lot about goals, but I don’t even know what I want. So I think this is such a great topic. And I have , a couple things that you can do, but I also wanna talk to you about why I think you don’t know. Recently I moved into , a new place and you may have heard me talk about this.

I sold my house last year. It closed right after the new year, and I moved into a new place and I decided I was gonna live here for a year. Before I got a pet, I have historically always had a pet, if you’ve been here for a long time, you know, my sweet dog Miley died like four years ago in April.

And I was devastated, like devastated for a long time. And I’ve always had pets and, and we had Henry, you know, [00:02:00] if you’ve been here for a while, you’re familiar with Henry, which is Craig’s dog. And when I moved into this apartment, I was like, I am going to. I am going to give myself a break from having to take care of something.

I wanna be able to get up and go if I wanna go, and I don’t wanna have to worry about getting a pet sitter or, you know, worry about any of that stuff. And that was great. You know, I went to The Bahamas a couple weeks ago. I took off and left. And the truth is, I mean, my truth is that I miss having something around like I miss.

Talking to something I miss, having something to snuggle with, you know? And my truth is also that I don’t want to have to take care of something to the effect of a dog where I would have to walk it every morning and walk it every evening and. Walk it all during the day. Right. Like I, I, I didn’t want that level.

When I was growing up, and you guys were probably [00:03:00] like this too, right? I grew up, I mean, I was born in the seventies, but I think of myself as growing up in the eighties. We always had so many pets. When I was growing up, we had fish and gerbils and Guinea pigs and cats and dogs. Like we had all of it.

So over the last couple months, I have really given it some thought, like what? Would be enough, almost like the, the lowest effective dose of, of animal that I could still have some freedom and, and be able to have something around and something to take care of. So. I finally decided and landed on a cat. A cat would feel fun.

They’re independent enough. I could leave it alone overnight. You know, my daughter lives really close. I mean, walking distance, and she could take care of the cat and it wouldn’t be a lot of work. It wouldn’t be like walking the dog, right? And so I thought, I’m gonna get a cat. And I started looking online.

Now, the reason I’m telling you this story is [00:04:00] because I felt myself. Think I should check, I should check in with my sister and see what she thinks. I should check in with my dad and, and see what his thoughts are. I didn’t take action on those, but I thought those things, like how would this be perceived?

Would this be seen as irresponsible? I, I’m, I’m almost 54 years old, like I’m about, it’s not irresponsible for me to get a cat. From the pound, you know? But I found myself pushing it through those filters. And here’s the thing, when we are trying to determine what it is we want, or make a decision on what it is we want, if we have spent a lifetime pushing it through a filter of what everybody else wants, then that is gonna be our default nature.

It’s gonna feel, it’s gonna be what [00:05:00] feels really normal. It’s gonna be what feels right. The problem with that is that if you do that all the time and you get used to doing that, and your nervous system gets used to doing that, then what happens is that now you don’t connect to what it is you want from the get.

You are immediately putting it through a filter of how it would be perceived. And I don’t think this is like, well, what will people think of me? Will I be judged? I don’t think it’s that at all. I think it’s that we get to a place where we have put it through this filter so much that we think that’s how we make decisions.

And so then when we think, what is it that I want? We’re like, I don’t know, because I don’t have anybody to put something through a filter of, right? I don’t have the thing to say, is this okay? What about this? And if we don’t have the thing to say, [00:06:00] those filters don’t work for us. Here’s the thing. I think it’s so, so, so normal to have the filters.

I think it’s normal to. Want people around us to approve or even to give us feedback. Like, is there something I’m missing? Is there something that I’m not thinking of that I should be aware of? Like, all of that I think is so normal and really good. And like I said, I’m 53, so I was born in 71. I believe that there’s this, I wanna say this generation, but I believe it could happen for young women right now too. I, I don’t believe it’s to the extent that it was for my generation, which is the idea of checking for everything.

When we’re really young, we have to be putting things through a filter of like what our parents approve or not like, what our parents [00:07:00] like this, um, what would, you know, our teachers say, all of that is necessary for our, our growth and for us to make and learn how to make wise choices. I mean, as long as your parents are making wise choices right?

And guiding you through that. But I think that for my generation, and I’m open to being wrong here. But I think for me and my friends, there was this feeling of if that doesn’t work for other people, you probably shouldn’t do it. Like if that is something that would make other people have to do something different or bend in a different way or put anybody else out, then maybe you need to rethink that and that when we look at the hierarchy of our.

Choices and the things that are, I’m using air quotes like right. For us, the hierarchy doesn’t start with us. [00:08:00] It starts with our, our partner. It starts with our kids, it starts with our parents or whatever. Like I said, I don’t think that’s inherently wrong. I think when that is the default, and that’s how it happens all the time.

That tends to give you an outcome that pulls you away from what it is you really want, and then all of a sudden you’re in your fifties and your kids are grown and your relationship kind of sucks. And then you’re like, I don’t even know what I want. And now I’m trying to make really big, huge life decisions for myself, but I don’t have a really.

A really crystal clear compass or way to do this internally, and I think that’s where we start going sideways. I think that’s where it becomes really overwhelming. And what happens when we get really overwhelmed, our nervous system puts us into a state of fight or flight or freeze, where we just don’t make decisions.

It doesn’t [00:09:00] matter if we’re unhappy. I think that’s an important piece of this to understand. It does not matter if you like it. It doesn’t matter if you’re super unhappy. It doesn’t matter if you’re like the most unhappy you’ve ever been to the point where your doctor’s like maybe you should look at antidepressants.

It it, none of that matters to your brain if what is normal for your brain and safe. For your brain is that you push everything through a filter of what everybody else would want or think or desire or like all of those things, right? So now you’re in a place where you’re like, I, I’m, I’m 54 years old and I unhappy and I don’t know how to make change and I’m wondering if maybe I’m depressed and I don’t know what to do from here.

Now I. I think there are ways, I know there are ways to start to unwind this. This is the work we [00:10:00] do inside the Navigate Method is a really starting to investigate why you still think those filters are so important and are they, and when are they like the distinctions and the, the, the way this needs to be picked apart is super important.

You know, I always say to women that come into the program, it’s like we have this bowl of cold wet spaghetti noodles and they’re all sticking together and wound about each other. You don’t know what one follow one noodle through it. It overlaps and goes under and swings around and it is so hard to know which noodle is which, you know, and so this is the work of, of uncovering.

And so I have a couple. Ways that can start that process. Now, when I say start the process, start the [00:11:00] process of thinking differently, dreaming differently, there’s still gonna be the process of unwinding the nervous system regulation piece around why that feels so safe to you. Because what happens with.

Habits and patterns. You know, we talk a lot about patterns and things. Those patterns and habits and ways of being and tendencies and all of those things are only true when they are unconscious. Once that pattern becomes conscious, it is a choice. And so there is work to be done to change the way that you’re making that choice.

And so much of that has to do with your nervous system believing that something is safer than [00:12:00] something else. So if we wanna really try to dig in. To, what is it? What could I even want? If you’re at a place where you’re like, I don’t even know what I would want, like that, it, I, I don’t know. I go through the motions every day.

I take care of my family, I do the laundry and I go to work and I make sure everybody has food, right? But if you’re like, what, what, what would I really desire? Like I have no idea. This year when I moved into this place, I. I really was thinking through this, like, what is it that I want from here?

And one of the things that I started doing was just jotting down everything that I saw that made me go, oh, that looks cool. Or, and, and it, and I wanna say something. That feeling of that looks cool and the follow up that comes behind that, which is, that’s not for me, happens really fast. You might not even catch the, that looks cool [00:13:00] because you just think that it’s not For me, I saw a organization that’s like brings people out on whale watches and I thought, oh my God, that’d be so cool to see a whale.

Like that would be really cool to be able to like pet a whale, right? If I could pet a whale, like how cool that would be, and then I immediately thought, I don’t have time for that. I don’t have time that, God, I’d have to go somewhere Alaska or something.

I, I don’t have time for all that. It’s so not true. If it’s important to me, I could find time and it’s worth writing it down. And so I wrote it down and every time I noticed I felt jealous, like envy. I’d see something and I would go, Ugh. That, uh, I wish. That’s so cool. I wrote it down and after a couple of weeks, I had a pretty good sized list of things that I actually didn’t know that I wanted.

Now, am I [00:14:00] gonna do everything on the list? No, I’m not. But having the awareness that that triggered a feeling in me started to make the feeling more safe. I started to notice a whole lot more things that would feel fun and then a really interesting thing started happening instead of having to see the thing that was laid out for me, like that looks fun going on a whale watch that looks fun.

Having a group of friends to go play Mahjong with, like that looks fun. I started getting ideas of things that were. My own right. I started to get ideas and make up things that would feel really fun to me. Like, you know what would feel fun is taking a creative writing class, but in Paris like, like all of the sudden these little pieces started to come together and [00:15:00] I was able to start to see how I could create the thing that felt fun.

It didn’t have to be given to me as an example. I don’t think I would’ve gotten there as quickly if I hadn’t done the work to follow the envy, to follow the, the other people, right. The other things that were shown to me and to notice when I was shutting it down to notice when I was saying, oh, but that’s not for me.

That’s cool, but that’s not for me. I, had to be able to make. This, shift and to say, instead of viewing this as negative, I’m going to view this as a compass and I’m gonna use it to try and help myself define what it is that I want. The other thing that I wanna offer you as an idea, and I think this can work so well, because I think when we allow [00:16:00] ourselves to write.

Like real paper and pen. Do you know what I mean? Not type on a keyboard, write things out. There is a flow that starts to happen, a creative flow. And remember knowing what it is you want is creative. It’s a creative flow, right? So we wanna get into a creative flow. So one of the things that I think can be so impactful is if we write down.

An obituary for ourselves. Like right now, if you were to die today, what would your obituary say? Like, how have you lived your life? What would you want people to remember or notice? What would be important to you in this life? Now, once you do that, I want you to write another obituary, but as if you’re 95 years old and you.

Had every single [00:17:00] dream that you ever dreamed come true, you petted every whale that you wanted. You showed up on every stage that you wanted. These are my dreams by the way. You, you had your cats, you did your thing, you connected with people, you felt alive. Now write the obituary from that place, and what does that obituary say?

What’s different about it? What’s showing up? What’s important to you? And that is gonna give you so many clues into what it is you really want to experience. I’m gonna guess. It’s not gonna be like she spent two months out of the year scrolling on her phone looking for things that other people were doing to feel alive.

Like I, I get that we all scroll on her phone. [00:18:00] I’m not saying that’s bad. That’s probably how you found me. So I support, I support, that’s how I find so many people. But there is this thing that like. Is this how I wanna live my life? You know, recently I put a post up on Instagram.

If you wanna find it. It’s like a pink post and it says netflix and scrolling isn’t normal. I think that’s what I said. And if you hate it, this post is for you. That’s what I say. It’s really coping, right? If we’re, if we’re sitting next to our partner and we’re just scrolling every night. We’re not interacting, it’s coping.

And somebody got mad at me and said, oh, please, this is real life. My partner is there with me. And I said, look, if you’re happy with that, I said In this post. And if you hate it, air quotes and if you hate it, and if you don’t hate it, keep doing it. But that is not, I mean, and I didn’t say this part, but I’m thinking in my head like, that’s enough.

Is that like, is that, [00:19:00] is that really enough for you to spend every night just scrolling next to your partner? I, I, it’s totally fine if it is, but I’m guessing if you’re listening to this show, it’s not, it might be okay once in a while. Like that is life like, but that’s not when I write my obituary when I’m 95, that is not, that is not how I wanna be thinking of my life. That’s not how I want my life to be remembered. And so I think this exercise can give you so much insight into what it is you really want. I swear you already know. You already know so many things that you want.

But you’re so used to pushing it through the filter of what everybody else would think, that it’s getting lost in the shuffle. And it is a simple mind shift that can help to start to make that available to you. It doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to take months. [00:20:00] You could get some ideas today, but you’ve gotta be willing to slow down the process of what’s happening, what you’re seeing.

The decision and the story that you’re making about what you’re seeing immediately after that is causing you to dismiss it and not even notice that you had the desire. And I think you know when you can really start to do that, not only are you gonna start to see stuff every day, all day, that feels fun and like a great idea, you can change the story that it feels like envy.

’cause it doesn’t, it feels like your compass. And I think that is how you start to live a big life. So thank you so much for listening. It was so good to have you here. I love you so much. Keep going, keep dreaming about all the things and if I can help you, be sure to reach out. You can find me@betsyp.com and I have a new downloadable with my process on there.

So go ahead to my website. [00:21:00] Right underneath the big header part, you’ll see Mirror Mend or Move process. See if that might help you. You can download it there, and if I can help you, you can always book a call and we can chat. All right, I’ll talk with you soon. Have a great week. See you next time. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big.

I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at betsy pa and on my YouTube channel.

Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless. And your life. It’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.