Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers
Kids & Family
Sheri Glucoft Wong, author of "Raising Kids," joins us to explain the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent and how it leads to positive influence.
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Full Show Notes
As parents, we all have those moments when communicating with our teen feels easy, and other times when no matter what we say, it leads to conflict. Why is that? What makes the difference between feeling effective vs ineffective?
This week we’re exploring that idea with our guest Sheri Glucoft Wong, a nationally recognized family therapist and author of Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting. Sheri introduces the concept of being “on your spot” as a parent – when you feel aligned in your head, heart, and gut about an issue, communicate it clearly to your teen, and they respond accordingly without a power struggle.
What does it mean to be “on your spot” and why does it create cooperation not conflict? How can we get “off our spot” and start grasping for leverage through threats and consequences? Sheri explains why threats often backfire and how a simple “tweak” using “when/then” language instead of “if/then” can turn things around.
The Power of Being “On Your Spot”
Being on your spot as a parent means you feel clear and aligned internally about an issue, so you can take a firm yet kind stance with your teen. Sheri shares how parents have no trouble insisting kids wear seatbelts in the car – they never threaten or bribe, they just know it’s non-negotiable. But with other issues, like manners or chore completion, they struggle because they’re not fully on their spot.
In our interview, Sheri describes how being on your spot means your head, heart, and gut all align – you intellectually know what your teen needs, you care enough to want that for them, and your instincts tell you it’s the right thing. When all three are lined up, you can stand firm calmly and prevail without resorting to power struggles.
From Threats to Incentives
When we’re off our spot as parents, we often start grasping for leverage over our teens through punishments and consequences. We take away devices or restrict privileges trying to motivate them. But Sheri explains that while limits are fine, threats rarely work and can backfire.
Instead of “if/then” threats, Sheri suggests “when/then” incentives. Rather than saying “if you don’t complete your homework, you lose phone privileges,” say “when you complete your homework, you can have phone time.” This small tweak eliminates the threatening tone and helps motivate cooperation.
Reframing Difficult Experiences
No matter how much we want to shield our teens from pain, they’ll inevitably face disappointments that are out of our control – a pandemic, social conflict, a lost game. But as Sheri explains, what truly shapes the impact isn’t what happens to teens, but rather what they make those events mean.
As parents, we have power to reframe difficult situations and influence how our teens internalize them. We can encourage resilience rather than victimhood by discussing values and modeling emotional management. By focusing on what they can control, not what happens to them, we help teens build lifelong coping skills.
Additional Topics:
If you enjoyed this episode, check out Sheri’s book Raising Kids: Your Essential Guide to Everyday Parenting for more great insights!
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Ep 171: Instilling Compassion for Principled Teens
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Ep 169: How Early Could Your Teen Retire?
Ep 168: Having Race Conversations
Ep 167: What Self-Directed Learning Can Do for Teens
Ep 166: How to Harness the Voice in Your Head
Ep 165: Secrets to a Better Connection
Ep 164: How to Modify a Personality
Ep 163: Forget Hormones! What’s Going On Inside the Teen Brain?
Ep 162: Could You Handle an Emotional Teen?
Ep 161: Keys to Beating Low Energy (Without Sleeping More!)
Ep 160: Does Your Family Need a Code of Excellence?
Ep 159: Breaking Down Anxiety
Ep 158: The Knowledge Gap
Ep 157: "Hey! That's MINE!"
Ep 156: The Funny Thing About Depression…
Ep 155: Growing Apart in Middle School
Ep 154: What to Say to Motivate Your Teen
Ep 153: Initiate Change In Your Teen (Using DBT)
Ep 152: Alcohol, Drugs, and Prevention
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