Violent Night

Well, we have a rare double-treat for you this week. How often do we get to review a film currently in the theaters as we sit, side by side, on the same sofa?

That’s right: Craig and Todd are back together again, in the same room, for our first holiday episode of December, reviewing Violent Night. Yeah, it may be more of an action-thriller, but we’re calling it a gory home invasion horror flick for our own selfish purposes. Happy holidays, everyone!

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Violent Night (2022)

Episode 324, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw

Todd: Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: Well, it is a very special holiday episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw, a holiday production, really as, um, Craig and I have this rare treat, this rare present where we are here and we’re we’re taking

Craig: We’re taking selfies.

Todd: We just, we just snapped a selfie for you, . We are here, uh, together for the first time. In how many years has it been? A long time.

Craig: Your kid was an infant the last time we were together. Yeah.

Todd: So I think it was five and a half years ago, and I believe that was the, um, something we could, this way comes episode that we recorded in your living room.

Yep. And uh, that was a very special movie for both of us and uh, and so we were able to do that and be together at the same time, just the way we started things. Great. And I don’t know about you, Craig, but. They, they always felt like if you go back and listen to the earlier episodes, there’s a different kind of energy.

Yeah. , you know what we’re like sitting right across from each other and face to face and, and, and all that. Instead of patiently waiting for the other person to end up to finish talking. Right. So then we can, or kind of judging, oh, now I can come in. Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait. And all those things we edit out.

Right. Most of the time this is raw, pure, at uncut right here, uh, in a hotel room. . Yep. Where we just got off of watching Violent Night, which just came out today.

Craig: Today, I think.

Todd: I know. It’s crazy. I think that’s another first. I

Craig: think so. Except I was trying to think while we were there. We’d done this before.

Yes. The Witch. The Witch. Did we see Krampus together in the theater too?

Todd: Yes, we did. You’re right. Yes. It was the Witch and Crumps. At least. It’s like a Christmas miracle. Aww. The Trinity Mary Joseph and the Baby Jesus is today . So it really feels good, by the way, to be back here, just face to face with you.

It’s so cool. It does just like, you know, we talk every single week and we don’t see each other, like, we don’t do video chat or anything like that and, but we’re way too lazy to, uh, wanna see what state each of us are in in the

Craig: morning. Oh my God. Yeah. I roll out of bed and roll in front of my computer. I I,

Todd: nobody needs to see that.

And I strip down naked for no reason at all, . Just because I can . Oh man. So,

Craig: no, it is nice. It’s, uh, it, it was a nice surprise because I had, I had wanted to see this movie. But for some reason I thought that we weren’t gonna, it was, it came out later, so I didn’t think we were gonna, you’re only here for a couple days.

Right. Um, so I, I didn’t think we were gonna get to see it together, so it was a fun surprise, but, uh, yeah, it’s, it’s weird cuz we saw it in a theater, so I didn’t take any notes. .

Todd: And then we had that awkward moment where we’re leaving the theater and we’re like, we can’t say anything about the movie. Right.

because we gotta, we gotta save it for 10 minutes later. What we can get in front of a mic. Yeah. And,

Craig: and just FairWarning uh, we had dinner before the show. And then a couple of really quick, nice strong drinks. Nice

strong

Todd: drinks, and we may or may not be sipping on something right now. Yeah. So,

Craig: we’ll, we’ll see how it goes.

But I’m excited about it because I’ve been looking forward to this. Um, I don’t know. You know, we’ve seen like Killer Santas and stuff before. It’s not like that’s anything new, but, uh, this has good people in it. It, it seemed like it, you know, was filmed on a, I mean now in hindsight it seemed like it was filmed on a big budget.

Yeah, it felt like a big budget movie. I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t really either. I didn’t know what to expect. I really kind of expected it to be goofy, but fun and, uh, you know, I’ll just spill the tea. I fucking loved

Todd: it. . Yeah, it was a blast. . It was

Craig: a lot of fun and it surprised

Todd: me. Me too, me too. I was surprised

Craig: by how much I liked it because, , to be fair, I don’t know if it’s really a horror movie.

This is a

Todd: home invasion

movie,

Craig: right? Yeah. It’s more, it’s more of a, a violent thriller and it is really violent. It’s gory and, and there’s lots of good fighting. Mm-hmm. like exciting fight scenes and lots and lots of like gun play and, and lots of creative violence. So it’s definitely bloody, but at its heart it is like one of the Christmasy Yeah.

Christmas

Todd: movies I’ve ever seen. It’s like, it’s sort of like what they did with the Jane Austin and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It’s like you took a very heartfelt Hallmark Christmas movie and you just laid, you know, terrorists and Santa Smashing people in the face and blood and things like that over it.

Right. Yeah. It just, another layer added to what ended up actually being a very, like, serious seriously Christmas movie. Yeah. In that it was hitting all of the notes.

Craig: Right. I, I was surprised how much hard it had like, I was feeling a little sappy at the end. I, I can’t say I shed a tear or anything, but it was sweet.

Like it was weirdly sweet in the end.

Todd: Well, but my point with that is like, it’s genuine, right? Mm-hmm. , it’s weirdly sweet. It’s not like a lot of comedies, which will hit these notes as part of the gag. And so in the middle of it you’ll see that they’re not really playing it straight. Right? Uh, and, and this movie, all of that was played straight.

All the little moments, like, you know, when the girl talks Sandy into believing in life again, you know? Right. And these, I believe too, and, you know, all this sappy Christmas stuff or like the kisses and the re reunifications and things like they were played totally straight. Mm-hmm. and they felt real.

Craig: It worked.

It, it, gosh,

Todd: that’s how it worked, I think.

Craig: I would think. Yeah. But it just seems like on paper, the two, the two, uh, you know, the really violent, that’s the thing. Like I, I was sitting there thinking, gosh, I, I, uh, don’t know who to recommend this movie to like, Action fans I guess. But I really feel like if you have teenage kids, especially boys, but yeah, maybe that’s sexist.

If you have teenagers take them to see this, it’s super fun. It’s gonna keep their attention. Um, but in the end, ultimately it’s a sweet movie about family and, and uh, putting family above all else. And, and even just like Christmas spirit type shit, like

Todd: Fool at

Craig: Christmas, spirit shit, we in Santa a Claus and yeah, it’s, gosh, yeah, it was hard not to talk about it immediately coming out of the theater cuz I really enjoyed it.

I just had such good time. We were sitting there. And it is fun, you know, uh, when this is how we started, we would get together usually at Todd’s house. Mm-hmm. , um, and, uh, sit on a couch in his little, he had this little tiny man cave with this enormous ass tv, ,

Todd: enormous for the time. I, I’m not even sure if it’s still would be considered enormous a hundred inches.

Well, that’s pretty, yeah, it was

Craig: huge. And the fact that we were sitting like six feet in front, like in this little room, uh, on your like dorm room couch, , uh, it, it was. That it was fun. We got to experience the movie together and I got to see or hear your reactions and it was really fun to sit, not just with you, but I’m really glad to have seen this movie in the theater, especially I think on opening night because I think that the people who were there were people who had been looking forward to it and they were there to

Todd: have a good time.

Well, the only people coming to Violent Santa on opening night are the people who really want to be there. .

Craig: Yeah. Our, uh, I, I feel bad. Our bartender before the movie was like, oh, you’re going to see that. Come back and tell me how it was. I’m the only person I know who wants to see it.

Todd: too bad. We don’t have business cards with our, uh, we could have just slipped that to him, like, check back in a week.

It

Craig: out . But no, it was fun. And, and the audience was small. I mean, I live in a small town, uh, so it was a pretty small audience, but it was more mixed

Todd: than I thought. Yeah. Did you see there was like basically somebody’s grandmother sitting behind. I, I looked like the grandma was taking her two granddaughters out to see this movie.

I thought. I wonder how she’s gonna react to this .

Craig: But as, I mean, aside from the violence and it is really violent, like lots of machine guns and stabbings, lots of stabbing create things. One of the things, I mean, establishes really early, it’s about this family we’ll get to in a second, but this, this, it’s an extended family.

Um, but the main people that we’re focused on are, are this small family of a mother and father, uh, who seemed to be going through some marital problems. And they have a young daughter. And in the very beginning it’s established that the young daughter stayed up late the night before and watched Home Alone.

Mm-hmm. . And so then later in the movie, I had seen this movie advertised as Die Hard Meets Home Alone, which is actually not a bad description. It’s maybe even a little bit on the nose. Yeah. Um, but in the end there’s some total, uh, Home alone homage, I

Todd: guess. Yeah. Oh yeah. Straight out copying. But

Craig: it’s hilarious.

It’s funny because it treats the stuff that happens in home alone, the way that it would really be like those guys home alone being dead. Yes. Home Alone is a terribly violent movie if you

Todd: think about it, and very unrealistic and it’s portrayal of that violence.

Craig: Right. So these, so this ultimately, I mean this comes at the end of the movie, but this little girl sets up these booby traps for these bad guys.

And ju it plays just like

Todd: home Alone. It even’s got music that uhhuh it tracks along with the the home alone theme. Music. It’s cute

Craig: except for the results of these traps. Are realistic . So these, so these people are getting messed up.

Oh

Todd: God. And killed. And killed, yeah. . Oh man. Yeah. And, and so the, the girl, and you can see that she and her, uh, you know what, actually I didn’t catch that they were divorced in the beginning.

Craig: I didn’t know if they were divorced or they just having problems. Um, they, uh, the daughter and the mom who I, I didn’t recognize her from anything. She, I know she was in Harriet. I don’t know if she had a, a big role in it. Beautiful, beautiful actress. Um, the mom and the daughter pick up the dad and the dad says to the mom, thank you for doing this.

And the mom says, I’m not doing it for you. Oh yeah,

Todd: she did say that. And I kind of wonder what it was. I was too dense to realize. So

Craig: I have a feeling that they are separated, but maybe, maybe they’re divorced. Maybe not. Cuz it, it seems like, well, there’s animosity there. There’s animosity, but. May the kid at least still hopes that there may be some reconciliation.

Mm-hmm. , in fact, ultimately that’s what she asks for for Christmas. Um, when they get, they’re going to their grandmother’s house, their grandmother is played by Beverly D’Angelo, who I love. Yeah. Uh, I know her primarily from the vacation movies. And, you know, sh uh, Christmas Vacation is an iconic holiday movie.

I saw it like three weeks ago. Yeah. It’s a great movie. I, it’s my favorite of the series. Um, and she’s great in it. And, you know, I, I saw an interview with her where she talked about how, um, She really had a good time playing that role in Christmas vacation because that was her mom. Um, she was playing her mom, the one who always kept everything together, who was the peacemaker, you know, who really cared about everybody and brought everybody together.

And so, you know, the interview is asking her how does it feel to step into a new, what may very well become an iconic Christmas role. And she said, she said, I hope it does. Um, but it, uh, very different. But she had a lot of fun with it because her character in this movie is totally

Todd: the opposite. The opposite, yeah.

She’s a complete bitch. .

Craig: Yeah. Oh, she’s, she’s a cold hard bitch. They are. They’re incredibly wealthy. Like, she lives like comically wealthy. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, she lives in this, uh, huge mansion that is just absolutely decorated to the nines. Like, it looks like you’re walking into Macy’s or something. It’s crazy.

Todd: And yet, it’s so cute because in the beginning when we’re, we’re sort of introduced, it’s as they pull in to the mansion and they say hello to the, the gatekeeper there. This couple, they pull in, she’s like, oh, and she’s makes some comment. I can’t remember. The wife makes some comment to the husband about how, oh, I can’t, I hate it.

Coming to your place or coming to your, it’s always weird to me that you’ve come from this. Right, and the camera, as they’re coming in tracks through the house. As different people in the house are making preparations, the idea is this family is so wealthy, even though it’s just a get together of like five or six people, they have a staff that easily outnumber them, putting up all these decorations and slicing meats and and things like that.

And they’ve got one guy walking around coordinating it, you know, almost like he’s a, you know, police, uh, SWAT team coach. But nobody is smiling at all. . Right. In fact, they look rather pissed off and serious at each other and someone goes over and even yells at the woman slicing the meat I told you to slice at dinner.

Right? Cause they’re coming in. So you know, this isn’t gonna be a house full of holiday cheer. And I just like the way that was communicated early

Craig: on. Yeah. And, and Beverly D’Angelo plays it really well. There was a time, I don’t know, probably 10 years ago where I think Beverly D’Angelo popped up in a c.

Commercial with the rest of the cast of Christmas vacation. And I know, you know, there was kind of the reboot of the vacation series with Ed Helms and Christina Applegate, and she camed with Chevy Chase and that, and there was a period of time where I thought, ah, I love you so much, but stop with the work.

I don’t know. I don’t know if she’s, I don’t know if she’s grown into it, but she looks really good now. She looks better now than she used to. Yeah, she’s in that regard. She’s in, in real life. She’s in her seventies for a woman in her seventies. She looks great. And she really just kind of seemed to be eating this up.

Oh yeah. Like, it just seemed like she was having a great time. She’s playing it real hard, real mean cursing like a sailor in front of her grandkids . Um, I, I mean, she

Todd: comes in cursing. All we do is we hear her offscreen talking on the phone to somebody, and she’s bitching and cursing and just crude and crashed and the things that she says.

Uh, and then at the end, she. Right. Well, anyway, Merry Christmas to you said, Mr. Senator hangs on the phone.

Craig: Oh, God. And, and so yeah, it’s, uh, the, the family that we’ve met, I don’t remember their names. The dad’s very handsome. Um,

Todd: he has a very distinct look, which made me think I’d seen him before, but I didn’t

Craig: recognize him.

Well, his name’s Alec. Uh, Alex Hassel, um, he play, it’s the Lightstone family. He plays Jason Lightstone, he’s the son. There’s a son and a daughter, and it’s, it, it, they make it out that the son is the favored one. Um, he was in the Boys, which is a show that I love. Um, but I think he must have had a small role cuz I don’t remember him from that.

But he and his wife Linda played, I, I assume his wife played by Alexis. Louder. Uh, just, I’m looking at her picture on imdb. She’s just stunning. And they have a little girl. And the little girl is named after the grandmother, whose name is Gertrude. Um, and then there’s also a daughter in the family She is with.

I, I couldn’t tell if they were married or not. I got the feeling that, uh, may maybe boyfriend. Boyfriend. Yeah. He’s like a famous actor, good looking guy. Mm-hmm. stupid but good looking, trying to

Todd: instill. They must have just been boyfriend though, cuz he was still trying to impress her, right?

Craig: Yeah. And it seemed like she has a kid too.

And I did not get the impression that this guy was her kid’s dad. Yeah,

Todd: exactly. Um, Bert, Bert is the name of the kid, Bert, because they named

Craig: the . The, the son named his daughter Gertrud after the grandmother. So the sister named her son Bertrude. ,

Todd: not to be outdone . It’s established pretty early on that not only do they have this rivalry and they can’t stand each other, but this is also geared.

The mother, they’re both vying for mom’s attention. Yeah. Presumably for the inheritance. I mean, that’s kind of what seems to be implied

Craig: here, but it also seems like the money is the cause of the rift between the husband and wife. Mm. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s right. Like, like, uh, the, the wife doesn’t like that the family is so preoccupied with money, and I think.

Part of the problem that they are having and we meet all of them, but we didn’t even talk. That’s not even how the movie starts. The movie starts introducing us to our

Todd: Santa. Oh, that’s right. . He’s sitting in a bar drinking with other Santas. With other Santas. So your first impression is this is a bunch of mall Santas hanging out and they’re all kind of bitching and especi.

Our Santa, who is one is completely foul mouth. And it just like, yeah, he is fucking kids. You know, they’re all assholes every year entitled assholes. Every one of ’em. This might end up being the last Christmas. He, you know, smashes his beer on the table. Like, whoa, something’s got up his, you know, stocking

And then he walks. Does he go to the fireplace? And, uh,

Craig: I think he just walks out the door. But the bartend, well, first of all, he pulls, that’s right. He, out of his sack, he pulls a gift and he gives it to the bartender and says, give this to your grandkid. And it’s got her grandkid’s name on it. So the lady’s like, how does he know my grandkid’s name?

How does he even know I have a grandkid? And then he exits and she’s like, Godammit, that’s the door to the roof. . I’m gonna have to go get him outta there. Um, so she walks out and she’s like, yes, hey, get outta here if you fall off, it’s my at. And then she looks up and Santa’s flying away, uh, in his sleigh with his reindeer.

Drunk

Todd: and Santa. Drunk and Santa. And then

Craig: he stands up and barfs over the side. Burst right on her face. She’s looking up and just gets, uh, splattered with Santa

Todd: Bar. It’s disgusting, but it really sets the tone. Yeah, it’s hilarious. It’s

Craig: funny to, yeah. And you see him kinda, you know, going from house to house and he’s got his wishlist or whatever.

All anybody wants is cash or video games, and he’s just disgusted, um, kind of with the state of things.

Todd: Uh, he gives one guy a lump of Cole, who’s obviously some, you know, drunk dad passed out, and then his daughter, whatever, who’s in the crib, you know, lovingly puts a present next to her. Right. So, you know, you can tell he’s just, he’s he’s pissed off and kind of tired.

Yeah. After 1100 years of this and he is

Craig: drunk and, I mean, it’s funny, it’s a a,

Todd: it’s an, it’s an bought Santa Clause. It is,

Craig: but I, I buy it like, I would think that Santa would probably . I totally buy that, that would be his attitude. It’s true, um, about the state of the world today, but, He eventually ends up at this big, huge mansion.

Um, but the, the conflict that arises is the, this group of mercenaries. As it turns out, the caterers are actually this group of

Todd: mercenaries, which is sort of our first action movie cliche. Right, right. Like, isn’t that always? I think every Steven CIGA movie’s always start out with the wait step, .

Craig: Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And, uh, they are led by, He goes by Mr. Scrooge. They all just go by Christmas code names like Scrooge, crumps, ginger, gingerbread, candy cane, like, yeah, snowman. It’s silly, but it’s funny. And, uh, John Zamo is, uh, the leader. Um, and they, with the help of, you know, the catering staff burst into this home.

You know, they kill all of the real surface, all of them, all of the security, just, I mean, just blow ’em away with machine guns, um, and gather most of the family in, uh, the living room. Mm-hmm. . Before that, there had been a cute scene with. The daughter, the daughter had said to her, dad, dad, you didn’t take me to see Santa at the mall this year.

Uh, and there was kind of a little bit of discussion how that’s a big deal for her. It’s special, something that she gets to do with her dad every year. She also

Todd: clearly still believes in Santa Claus.

Craig: Right, right. And she is so cute. Like it’s ridiculous. They, must have just auditioned for the cutest kids

Todd: because she’s adorable.

Leah Le Leah Brady’s her name. Oh, so

Craig: such a cute kid like Trudy, right? Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, , that’s, she goes by Trudy and, and she tells the grandmother that she’s, uh, the grandmother says, oh, and here’s my little Gertrude. And she says, everybody calls me Trudy now. And the grandmother goes, That makes her sound like a whore.

Todd: right over her head. . Yeah. And

Craig: the parents look at her and she’s like, she doesn’t even know what it means, . But there’s kind of a big deal. The dad feels bad. So he real quick runs to a closet that’s like full of games and toys and he, he grabs, uh, a walkie-talkie and he bring, he wraps it up real quick and he brings it to her and he says, this is a magic walkie talkie.

You can talk to Santa. He may not be able to respond cause it’s Christmas and he is really, really busy, but he’ll hear everything you say. Mm-hmm. . Um, and it’s sweet. Uh, and they sneak

Todd: outside the door and they listen in on her. And of course, you know, she’s like, oh, Santa, I know you must be really tired tonight.

Blah, blah, blah. She’s like, and, and here’s the only thing I want for Christmas. And the parents are, you know, listening intently and you know, you can predict it. I just want mommy and Daddy to be together again. . I

Craig: know. And it, it is corny.

Todd: It’s corny. It works. Yeah, it plays, I don’t know even, I don’t even know why it plays, but it just does.

I don’t

Craig: know because we’ve seen this movie, you know, this is what happens in these movies, you know? Yeah. The, the, the parents are having problems, but through the magic of Christmas, they realize the value of family. It sounds corny and cliche cuz it is mm-hmm. . Um, but it’s the

Todd: Christmas message. Yeah. One of

Craig: them.

It’s, it’s sweet and it just, it it works. It could be corny and, and maybe in to some extent it is, but in the context of this movie, for whatever reason, it just works. Because I think

Todd: it, it strikes a balance. It does strike a balance. I think it’s, cuz they do play it straight, you know, they’re not parroting this in, in at all.

They’re, they’re being this kind of movie. And I think that’s probably

Craig: why it Well, and everybody, not everybody, I mean, I liked Beverly D’Angelo just because she played it. She just seemed to be relishing in it. But she’s not a likable character. The sister and her boyfriend and their kid who’s always like on Instagram live being a douchebag , they’re, they’re not likable.

No. But the, the mom and the dad and the little girl are very likable. And, uh, even though you can tell that, um, there’s. Tension in their relationship. They both seem like decent people that you might, you don’t hate any of them.

Todd: No. You don’t hate ’em. And you think, you don’t think that dad, the dad comes across really nice and liable.

You

Craig: know, I actually was, I was questioning for a large part of the movie, like, what is wrong? Like, I, did he do something? Did he cheat? I, I think ultimately it comes down to the money, because later on the wife says something about him thinking that money is the answer to the problems and really the money is the problem.

Um, but that comes

Todd: much later. Well, and he, and he promises too, I think around this time. You know, he pulls his wife aside and says, what do you think if we just like, could start all over. I’m sorry, it’s a little later. But he pulls her aside and says, what if we can make her wish come true? Right. And the mom’s like, what are you talking about?

I’s like, what if we get back together? And she’s like, that, we can’t do that. And he’s like, no, no. I mean, I mean, get away from the family. Get rid of all this. Leave tonight. Just go forever. Never turn back, never see my family. So it’s pretty clear. That is what would fix things. Right? Right. He’s promising.

So the family and the money is the problem. Right?

Craig: Yeah. So, you know, it sets up all this tension and then the machine gun wielding folks come in, um, and Santa, at first he hears, you know, the, the machine guns and everything, and he’s kind of sneaking around. It’s funny the way that it’s shot. He’s just kind of peeking around corners the way that Santa does.

Mm-hmm. . Um, and nobody, nobody’s really, you know, even these hitman or whatever are not seeing him. Um, but ul initially, he’s just trying to get out of there. Oh,

Todd: he wants to save his ass. . Even when the guy burst into the room, he’s hiding behind a Christmas tree that dude’s like, get out from behind there. He comes out, he’s like, I don’t want any trouble.

I don’t want any trouble. I just want to get out. I want to go back up on my sleigh and finish delivering my presents for

Craig: tonight. . But the guy, for some reason, he can’t get up the chimney. I don’t remember if it’s, I,

Todd: I don’t know if he was. He said, darn it,

Craig: something, he was too scared or like, he didn’t have the, maybe too drunk, I don’t know.

But he couldn’t get his nose magic to work, and so he couldn’t get up. And then the guy who’s confronting him, um, shoots his machine gun, I don’t know if it’s accidental or intentional, but through the roof, which spooks the reindeer and they take off. Mm-hmm. and Santa’s like cursing at them through the window telling them to come back.

But at that point, he’s basically stuck there. And, and,

Todd: and I would say this is like our first action sequence, right? There’s a big fight. I think there’s a big fight between the two of them. And uh, and I think it’s kind of funny because they, they use every Christmas element in that entire room for this battle.

Like, you know, they, they stumble against the tree and then he grabs the lights off the tree and comes up and tries to strangle one of ’em. And then Santa grabs this and Santa grabs that. And by the way, Santa has been having these little minor flashback. These little minor flashbacks to which you can tell must be his past.

And the first flashback is just a close up on what is obviously his face, but in like a warrior helmet. Mm-hmm. , um, this is like clearly, you know, thousands of years ago. And, uh, you get the sense, okay, he was a warrior. You don’t know how he became Santa. And I still don’t think we know how he became Sam. No.

But you know, the idea is that, oh, the, the impression that you get is when Santa starts being really, really good at beating these people. Is that okay, this guy has these abilities. Right. Like it’s been established so very quickly and cleverly by those shots of him as a warrior that the guy can fight. We just didn’t

Craig: know it.

Yeah. And, and I don’t think that we’re gonna be able to help but conflate some things here in the middle because it really is for a long time. After he kills this first guy, he, he throws him out a window. I think he goes out the window with this guy, but the guy ends up getting impaled on a big bicycles, a bicycle, , Uhhuh,

And the other bad guys eventually find that guy. So they think that, they know that there’s somebody there, what do they call him? A mole or something? I don’t remember. Yeah. Um, so they kind of know somebody’s there. So he’s kind of sneaking around for a long time. He ends up, you know, confronting a couple of them.

And like you said, it’s all kind of Christmas gags, like canes, candy canes, and, you know, uh, filling a stocking full of, uh, pool balls and pool cues, beating the crap out of a guy. Um, he, one guy he, uh, stabs through the eye with a, a Christmas tree topper that’s a star. And then he plugs the star in and the guy’s head catches

Todd: on fire.

And then it kind of, On fire for a little while and he’s a bit spied for a little bit. It’s like, oh, oh, .

Craig: And, and while all this is going on, at some point I feel like it’s after the first or second fight that he has with one of these henchmen, um, he’s there, I think in that game room that, uh, the dad had gotten the walkie-talkie out of.

And so the dad had only given the girl one walkie-talkie. So the other one’s still in there and he hears the girl talking

Todd: through it. Well, I think what he does is he takes the, cuz the, the, the bad guys are talking on the walkie-talkie of, of his, uh, of the dude he just killed. He starts spinning the frequencies saying, oh 9 1 1, I gotta get an emergency frequency like that exists.

Gotcha. Right. And that’s when he stumbles upon her frequency. Yeah. But

Craig: yeah, and then, then he can’t leave, you know, like this little girl is counting on him. Uh, he sees her at some point, you know, through the frosty window, kind of in peril, um, with all of these bad guys. And then he can’t leave. Uh, and it’s, it’s

Todd: cute.

There’s a lot of fun stuff through it. Like he has his list, like, so eventually, um, at this time, after he beats this guy up and does the walkie talkie, he’s talking on it and she hears it. And so even though they’re in the same room, you know, they’re being held hostage in the living room by a couple of goons, um, this girl starts talking with Santa and that’s when she realizes he’s, there’s this guy in the house that’s gonna help them.

And he’s asking her for intel. Right. And, you know, this house better than anybody else, but first she has to establish. Right, that he’s real cuz he says he’s Santa. And of course she gets excited, but she’s like, but my mommy and daddy just told me Santa wasn’t real. And this was a scene that I think we skipped over.

But, uh, um, yeah, it was just a scene where, um, they’re trying to get, oh God, we skipped over a bunch.

Craig: We skipped over a bunch. The whole reason that these guys are there is because this, they know that this family is somehow in some sort of shady arrangement with the government, uh, where the government is giving them 300 million, um, in exchange for kind of covering up shady oil deals in the Middle East.

Mm-hmm. like government deals. Um, and so that’s why they’re there. And at one point, uh, they’re trying to, I think that they, they get, gosh,

Todd: I don’t remember. I got, I’m getting it out of order cause I’m thinking they break. They didn’t break in at this point? Well,

Craig: the, the, the, the mother says, you know, when John Zamo originally says, this is why we’re here, we know you’ve got 300 million down there.

She mouths off and he punches her, which I thought I didn’t see coming. , John Zamo punching a 72 year old woman. Mm-hmm. . Um, but she’s tough. She can take it. Uh, but she says, uh, you know, when I was a kid, my brother was kidnapped and the kidnappers demanded ransom. And my dad didn’t even call the cops. He just sent in his, uh, extraction team.

Extraction team, so you should know what to expect. And John Lag Giza was like, uh, yeah, I know everything. ,

Todd: I know all the details of that, and you know who all those people were and everything. So, and eventually it’s clear he is expecting this extraction team and they clearly have some plan to deal with them.

Craig: Right. And eventually they get, they do get down to the, uh, vault and they open it up, but there’s nothing there.

Todd: Yeah. What happens is they, they, the extraction team shows up. But it turns out the extraction team’s in on it too. Yep. The douchey boyfriend of the one woman runs out, manages to get out the window and, uh, runs out and, uh, they see him and they, they quiz him real quick and he says, oh, I just escaped.

And then they just shoot him. Mm-hmm. , that’s when you know the extraction team’s in on it, because that, that he’s the guy who apparently has the key, they’ll unlock the vault. Right. And so once he’s there and they’re together, him and the John lag leg, Guam character, Scrooge go down and they unlock the vault.

But like you said, they see that there’s absolutely nothing in there anymore. So he comes upstairs and they start quizzing. And so some people are supposed to be,

Craig: well, they start torturing. They’re, they’re like, who? Oh yeah. They, who should we torture? Mm-hmm. and the sister and her boyfriend are like, uh, torture.

Him, he’s mom’s favorite. So they start torturing him. It’s silly. Like some Nutcracker they crush his, yeah, they crush his finger in a nutcracker. And then John Za was like, um, let’s not mess around here. They’re not called finger crushers. And he grabs this giant Nutcracker and he is like, somebody put his balls in there and there

Todd: there’s a whole gag.

There’s some reason why the daughter speaks up.

Craig: Yeah. Cuz she’s trying to protect her dad. Protect her dad. And she says, uh, Santa’s here and he’s gonna help us. And the mom and dad are like, sh no, there’s nobody here. Nobody’s gonna help us. Don’t say anything. Um, don’t say anything. But the girl keeps going on and on until finally the dad shouts.

There is no such thing as Santa now. He doesn’t know , that there’s really a guy in the house, uh, trying to help them out. He just thinks. The girl believes, but she’s just gonna end up getting them in more trouble. Get them more hurt. Yeah. She’s

Todd: just talking to herself on this s walkie talkie. Right. I guess they haven’t heard the other end.

Craig: Well, she’s got a earpiece. Oh, you’re right. Mm-hmm. , so they wouldn’t hear it. She’s got a earpiece. Oh, that’s clever. So, but yeah, as it turns out, we had seen earlier, like, I don’t know, just to entertain themselves or something, the. Had told the family that they should exchange gifts. Um, and what it turned into was, uh, people giving the grandmother gifts.

Mm-hmm. , um, the, the douchey boyfriend of the sister basically gives her a proposal to fund a movie that he wants to be in . And he’s like, what a, what a better gift than the gift of an opportunity. Such a douche bag,

And then the mom gives her, the sister rather, gives the grandmother a picture. And she’s like, it’s a sentimental portrait of the day I was born. And the mom’s like, yeah, I know. I

Todd: was there, was there, it’s been a across the room. But

Craig: then the son, well he doesn’t want, somebody’s like, you know, you give her your present.

And he’s like, oh, I think I left it in the car. And the dumb. Teenager nephew is like, no, no. I saw you brought it in here. I’ll get it for you. And he gives it to the grandmother and the grandmother opens it and she says, oh, it’s my favorite whiskey. And then she goes to open the card and the dad’s like, oh, you don’t have to read that.

You don’t have to read that. And so she reads it to herself and then just folds it up and puts it in the interior pocket of her jacket and just says, thank you, whatever his name is. Mm-hmm. . And doesn’t say anything more about it. As it turns out, the, uh, the hitman guys eventually get it out of him because they threatened his wife.

Yeah. They threatened to shoot his wife. They get it out of him that he had, it was him. He stole all the money and his plan was to take it and run away with his. and separate himself from his mother’s family.

Todd: And I think this is where the wife comes in and gets kind of pissed, right? Yeah. She’s like, it’s, it’s you, you stole the money.

You were gonna take the money with us. Like money is the root of all this, right? Money’s the problem. Yeah.

Craig: Yeah. And, and so then it becomes, you know, a matter of, uh, John Zamo and his henchman looking for the money, and they end up, the guy hit it in the manger scene out in the yard. But there’s, there’s a lot of stuff that goes on.

There’s a lot of fighting. There’s, there’s one point where, um, Santa Claus, he, he goes to the gate, uh, to, to try to talk to the guard who’s been killed. Um, and he realizes that in one of the fights that he’s been in, he’s been injured. And he take, he goes back to the house and he takes. His, uh, jacket and his shirt and he’s, you know, like Santa Claus is supposed to be, you know, a jolly portly dude, port dude.

But he’s also covered in these cool, kinda like tribal tattoos, which I thought was a really

Todd: cool touch. It was a really interesting touch. Like it, it just immediately start some mystery. Right. Yeah. Was

Craig: going on there. That’s not really answered, which makes me wonder if they plan on following this movie up.

I mean, I feel

Todd: like it was probably part of his warrior, you know? Right. But yeah, we don’t know.

Craig: But like you said, he does, he explains eventually to the little girl that he wasn’t always Santa Claus. He used to be, I don’t know, Nick Abu the. Red or something like that. Mm-hmm. . And he was this warrior and he had this hammer that he called skull, skull pressure

And he was like the deadliest warrior of all time, but it doesn’t, at least, I don’t remember. No, it didn’t, it didn’t go further. It doesn’t explain how he eventually becomes Santa Claus, but I remember, uh, seeing him on screen kind of heavy and overweight. I have no idea when this movie was filmed, but I do know that David Harper got ripped for the most recent season of, uh, stranger Things.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like ripped. Um, because he was supposed to have been held in this, uh, Soviet prison, you know, and starved, and all he did was work out. So in the most recent season, he is buff. So I don’t know if that was prosthetics or if it was filmed before, but whatever, you know, he, he kind of fixes himself up and, and that leads, I think at, at some point.

Um, the little girl says over the intercom, Oh no, they found me. Mm-hmm. . And he said, cuz she’s, she at some point ran off and hidden the attic and she told him I can set booby traps, like home alone. And he says, I don’t have any idea what that means, but yeah, do that . It’s

Todd: funny how this Santa, every now and then it kind of pops in that, you know, he’s a man out of time.

Really? Yeah. The only concerns himself of distributing presence. He can’t keep up with the latest in technology. Even at one point he grabs a gun from somebody and he just, does anybody else know how to use this? And chucks it to the mom. It’s like, all right, well you can use it. You know, the idea is he doesn’t even know what this is, but for a guy who can’t figure out a gun or doesn’t know what home alone is, he needs, he seems to intuitively understand what the power tools in the garage all do.

Yeah, that’s true.

Craig: The later. . I don’t remember where that scene, I mean, there’s a, I feel like there’s a part where Santa is talking to the girl on the walkie-talkie and she’s kind of giving him a pep talk. Yeah. And because he’s kind of given up, he’s injured and he’s like, I’m sorry, because that’s when the, the excision squad or whatever mm-hmm.

it was, they had shown up and it turns out, you know, that they’re bad too. And Santa’s like, I’m sorry, I don’t, I don’t think I can help. And she said, of course you can. You just have to believe. Uh, and she says, if, if you only had one Christmas wish, what would it be? And he’s looking at his wedding ring and he takes it off and he says, if I had one Christmas wish it would be that I could see Mrs.

Claus again. And she says, well, then go out there and make that wish come true. . And he drops his ring and he goes scurrying after it. And it rolls right into a sledgehammer, . And he picks that thing up and like six guys with machine guns. Burst through the door and he just takes them all out. Uh oh. Yeah.

With his sledgehammer all to Christmas music. Yeah. That was another thing that I loved about

Todd: this movie. Oh, the music was fantastic. Again, it’s so good. It was just this kind of music for this kind of movie. It was a totally serious. Beautiful Grand of Christmas movie score. Uhhuh.

Craig: Yeah. And, and the score incorporated traditional carols that you would be familiar with, but then they also, uh, backed some of the scenes.

I feel like this big kick ass scene was back to some like sappy Brian Adams Christmas song . Yeah. Like, and, and it works so well because it shouldn’t, like, you shouldn’t have this badass action scene with Brian Adams singing some sappy Christmas song in the background. But it, the juxtaposition just works.

It works

Todd: really well. It was great. It’s seamless. Really? Mm-hmm. . Yeah. It is so seamless. I

Craig: just thought it was really clever. Mm-hmm. . Um, and every, you know, it was acted well. It was choreographed well, the fight scenes were really fun and exciting to watch.

Todd: For most of the jokes totally land. Mm-hmm. , not all of ’em, but most of them totally land.

And then there’s no shortage, like we said, of gag. Right, right. But, but that never gets old. Right? That never gets stale. It’s like, just enough. Some

Craig: of them I even saw coming, like, uh, the little girl leaves Santa a great big candy cane. I’m like, oh, he’s gonna stab somebody with that candy cane later. .

Todd: He, he sucks on it.

Almost like he’s chomping a cigar while he’s taking these guys out. Like, what’s his name from the, A team . And then, and then toward the last guy, he pulls it out of his mouth and by now it’s, it’s sharpened to a point, right? From all the, it’s hilarious. From all the subject, right? Oh God. It was,

Craig: that was really funny.

I don’t even, I, I can’t even remember all the gags. There are so many, but they just, they work and, and eventually, like the bad guys know where the money is. They go to get it. But,

Todd: well, the dude, once he, once, once the father confesses, he leads them out to where the money is, right? Which is in a major scene.

It’s hidden under a bunch of hay piled up behind. And that’s what everything converges. Now you’ve got most of the family there, you’ve got all the bad guys, including the leaders. Uh, and then Santa has, you know, kind of beaten his way through a bunch of people, and he’s. Sneaks in like from the back and starts to take out a couple of them.

Craig: And the girl has taken out two of the worst of them, two of the most dangerous of them with the home alone g with the home alone. Gags while, while she’s hiding in the attic. Yeah. And that, that scene plays exactly like a home alone almost beat for beat. Yeah. Yeah. Almost. And like the same kind of jokes like, ha ha, kid, you’re gonna have to do better than that.

in that

Todd: cool, you know,

Craig: ball to the groin and then he falls and you know, a nail that she has set up goes all the way up in, through his chin, into his mouth. You can see like it really is, these

Todd: are. In the audience were viscerally reacting to that. Yes. There was a collective, Ooh, from everyone in there. We,

Craig: you know, we watched another Christmas movie, I think it was called Better Watch Out or whatever, where the kid was like fascinated with home alone and he wanted to see if the traps would really kill people.

And they did. And they did . And that’s what this is like too. It’s the same gags and it’s played in the same tone, like these two villains that this girl is facing off with. They’re over the top, they’re, they’re like, I don’t know if she’s supposed to be like Soviet or foreign in some way. Him

Todd: too, in a slightly, he’s like sort of Scandinavian

Craig: or something.

And so it plays, it’s funny, it, it, it’s played with the humor, but the results are what the real results would be if somebody were to fall on a matte, spiked with nails or have a nail go through. Face their face right, or get or get whacked with a bowling ball. Bowling ball too many times. Uh, I loved the part where the guy who’s still down, it’s one of those, uh, drop down staircases for the attic.

And the guy who is still down below the woman, the bad woman, has gone up and the girl has started rolling bowling balls at her and she’s kind of dodging him. The guy downstairs picks up a nail and like, for no reason at all, it like holds it up above his head. Like he’s examining it and then one of those bowling balls comes down, pushes the nail right into his head, and then he falls back onto the matte

Todd: full of nails.

That might be one of my lone criticisms of this movie, is that made no sense that he would be holding that up and examining it . But

Craig: I think they were reaching for that. Well, I think they were being intentionally silly. I mean, I think that’s probably true. They mentioned home Alone by name several times.

There’s no, there’s no hiding the fact that this is what they were going for. And I think it’s really clever, uh, to show it in a more, even though you’re right, it’s silly and the people probably wouldn’t respond the way that they do, but the, but that’s

Todd: also how Home Alone was too, so Yeah. Right. So it’s like a parody really.

Craig: They’re bumbling like the guys in Home Alone. Yeah. And there’s another funny part where, um, the mom, the little girl’s mom and, uh, the sister and her kid are left alone with one of the worst, uh, henchmen. He’s, he’s been violent and nasty and

Todd: seriously, so he, he’s just waiting to kill somebody, basically.

Craig: Right, right. He, he can’t wait to, to murder people. Um, but they end up alone with him, and I don’t even remember how they do it, but they get the better of him, and it’s just a hilarious scene where they just beat him to

Todd: death. Yes. , they’re standing over him and each of ’em have a different implement from the fireplace and they’re just bashing, bashing up to death.

Craig: And I feel like the mom says something like, well, it is nice to do something as a family. Yes,

Todd: The obvious joke, but it works. It really works. Yeah. That was an audible laugh, especially from you.

Craig: Yeah, it was funny. And then they’re, okay, so then they’re outside

Todd: and ah, they’re at the major scene and Santa comes, they fight, they got some gags with Jesus.

Craig: But does somebody take off with the money? I don’t remember.

I think, uh, John Zamo has the money and he’s on a snowmobile, and Beverly D’Angelo is either on a snowmobile with him or one of the other hinging men, and she ends up somehow getting off, uh, she messes falls or hits something, something. She gets

Todd: off Santa, takes the baby, Jesus’s major and follows them.

Craig: Right. Like a, like a, with a sled or something. And, but the, what, what ends up happening is John Zamo and Santa end up in this like outdoor camping site or something. Yeah,

Todd: it was like a part on the property where there was a shed built, but also it was an old, clearly there was some older almost cottage there that had been.

Torn

Craig: down and all that was left was like the chimney in the fireplace or something. Mm-hmm. ,

Todd: I don’t know. I saw Did you know where that was going when you, the minute you saw that? No,

Craig: I didn’t. Yeah,

Todd: I didn’t know that was clever. I was funny. There’s a lone chimney sitting out here. Pretty sure that’s

Craig: gonna come into play.

I, I thought maybe he’ll escape, uh, through that. But it’s, it’s a big showdown and it is big. You know, there’s, there’s

Todd: fire. It’s, it’s diehard style. It’s like a Jean-Claude Van Dam movie. Yeah. Where there, there’s fire, right? They, they go into the shed and, you know, they’re fighting and whatnot and he, I think he fights off a couple other henchmen in there as well, but ends up pulling a grenade off of one of them, and it goes off and they, you know, fly out of this exploding cabin, which now has created fire.

I mean, it’s totally every shot for shot, like a diehard movie. And now there’s like a, almost a circle of fire all around them as they’re burning debris from the building is, is circling them. It looks just like a Van Dam movie. Oh yeah. So they’re fighting back and forth and. The whole deal is leg. Guam.

One of the gags in the movie is that there’s a, a naughty and nice lift. That’s list that’s kind of magical. And Santa just opens up this scroll and whoever’s kind of in the vicinity, it shows whether they were naughty or nice. And leg. Guam picks it up, uh, as he comes into Santa as he’s injured and lifts it up.

He says, you really

Craig: are real. Did you notice that it like listed the reasons that he was nodding? Mm-hmm. , I, I could tell that that’s what it was, a list of the reasons, but the only one that I could read was broke his mother’s heart . Oh.

Todd: Now on the nice list, I, you might have had to exit the theater briefly while Santa was checking on the daughter.

Probably. He opens the thing and there’s the nice list and the daughter, it’s all the nice things she’s done and one of them. Invited weird kid to party

Craig: Oh, that’s

Todd: hilarious. That’s funny. So, you know, that’s kind of this, again, this also with the villain becomes this sort of Christmasy thing. Like Zamo the villain almost seems to track his whole childhood trauma, which led to him being a terrible person back to a bad Christmas that he had, you know, which is typical of these movies.

And he stopped believing and he stopped believing in anything and Santa and Christmas and all that stuff. Then when he sees Santa’s reel, but you know, he’s on the naughty list, he’s like, we’re gonna end Christmas right here, right now. . It’s the ultimate villain, right? Even in all like the cartoons on the TV show, like they just want to end Christmas, right?

And so they go through this huge crazy fight scene and it’s really well done. Um, and uh, basically leg Guam has Santa pinned up against this, um, Chimney that is lone chimney that is sitting outside and uh, and leg. Guam says something like, you’re, you’re gonna die now. Or something like that. And Santa says, not.

If not, if you believe Uhhuh. And Santa just puts his finger beside his nose and he’s holding onto leg Guam. And he goes up the chimney. But you see the leg. Guam has a much harder time coming up. The Chiney ,

Craig: he gets like folded in half.

Todd: Yeah. Santa stands at the top and he’s just got this torso, man. Yeah.

And chucks it down on the ground. And that was, that

Craig: was great. It was great. It was a lot of fun. It was really, I mean, the action is good if, if you’re, if you’re a fan of action, you’re gonna appreciate this. It is like die hard or Oh yeah. Or something like that. I mean, it’s that level. It reminded me a little bit of like, um, True lies.

Uh oh yeah, for sure, because it’s got the great action that it’s funny too. Um, but, uh, so then you think everything’s gonna be okay, but then out of nowhere, you know, Santa’s standing at the top of this chimney and out of nowhere he gets shot like four or five times and he falls to the ground. And you see that it was the head of this squad that was supposedly working for the grandmother but wasn’t.

Um, and uh, that guy walks up and I think that he points his gun like he’s gonna shoot Sam in the face. And he is like, this ends now. And then out of, you know, from off screen, you see an arm raised with a gun to that guy’s head and it turns out it’s Beverly D’Angelo. And she’s like, you’re damn right it does.

And she shoots him in the head. . I loved. I just loved her being, being, which was highly appropriate. I know I just loved her being a badass in this movie. Still cold-hearted, badass. I loved her in this movie. I just love her. Period. She’s great. . Um, But then Santa’s dying and it’s the, it’s so

Todd: typical. It’s typical, but it was, but it works.

And it did work. It actually was an emotional moment, it feel like,

Craig: feels like Miracle on 42nd Street or you know, any of these sweet movies where the family, some of them assholes, which reminded me also of Crumps, like , you know, some of the fa, some of the people in that family were assholes. But even by the end, you realized that they were just people, you know, like you weren’t Yeah.

Rooting against them. All these, the remaining family gather around and the little girl’s, like, we, you know, we have to believe. And she says, I believe in you. And then her dad says, I believe in you. And the mom says, I believe in you. And, um, a little bit begrudgingly, but at the same time, sincerely, Beverly D’Angelo says it too.

Todd: And she’s like, oh fuck. I believe too. . And then like, the mob’s like Jesus Christ, right? I do the

Craig: douchey Instagram kid. It’s like, I believe, and, uh, the, the VAD aunt is like, Ugh, I believe too . Um, and it, and it brings Santa back to bring,

Todd: brings him back to life. And, and the whole time, you know, it’s perfect.

Actually. Just excuse. He says it’s Christmas magic. And I, I can’t explain it. I dunno how it works. , which is all the explanation we really need, really, you

Craig: know, and, and then, uh, the reindeer show back up and he’s pissed at them for taking off and leaving him and only coming back when everything. Um, was okay, but then, but then he notices the sack.

Yeah. In the back. John, like Zamo had thrown his magic sack in the fire and he was like, no, th