60 How Well Do You Really Know Your Spouse?

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics 
   1. Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life.  
   2. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God in the natural realm.
   3. In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.
   4. And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and 
   5. Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor?  If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse.  Because of your marriage vows.  
   6. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  
   7. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.
   8. We are celebrating our one year anniversary.  First podcast launched March 20, 2020
       
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         1. The majority of podcasts don't make it to 14 episodes
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         1. Because of you
             
            1. Very niche audience
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            1. This one has risen to top 10% based on downloads
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            1. Tells me there is a hunger out there.   
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      1. Gratitude
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       1. Appreciation
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       1. Your support increases my motivation.  
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   13. This is episode 60, released on March 22, 2021
   14. And it is titled: How Well Do You Really Know Your Spouse?  
   15. This is the 12th episode in our series on sexuality, the fourth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages 
   16. Continuing with the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to illuminate what happens sexually in Catholic marriages.  
   17. Episode 58 -- I provided you with the model of a Catholic canopied marriage bed.  
       1. Remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple.  
          1. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in the last episode, episode 59
          2. The four legs
              
             1. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
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             1. Leg 2.  the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
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             1. Leg 3.  Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs   
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             1. Leg 4.  Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse
                 
                1. We are really exploring this leg first, in this podcast episode.  
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          7. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately.  Independently
          8. The mattress  Empathetic attunement
          9.  Two pillows:  Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance 
          10. Bottom Sheet:  sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion
          11. Top Sheet:  Communication between the spouses
          12. The blankets:  human warmth, emotional connection
          13. Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA
               
              1. Mindset
          14.  
              1. Heartset
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              1. Bodyset
          16.  
              1. Soulset
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          18. The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.  
          19. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.  
       2. Review:  So we've only just begun with this metaphor.  Now starting in the next episode, we are going to walk step by step through all the elements of the Catholic marriage bed, through all the components of married Catholic sexual life.  We're going to cover all the bases slowly and thoroughly so that all components, all the pieces become clear. 
          1. We will look at what each part of the Catholic marriage bed looks like when it is healthy as well as what can go wrong with each part of the bed.  
          2. Just as important, how all the pieces of the marriage bed, healthy or unhealthy are related to each other, how they interconnect and how those elements of Catholic Married sexual life can change over time.  
   18. Over and over and over again, I have had Catholic couples in my office discussing their marital problems, their sexual problems.
   19. And over and over and over again, I come to the same conclusion -- Catholic couples who are married, 5, 15, 25, 40 years or more do not really know their spouses.  
       1. They know a lot about their spouses
           
          1. biographical details
       2.  
          1. They know a lot about behaviors their spouses do
       3.  
       4. But their internalized image of the spouse, their working model of the spouse is way off
           
          1. Very two dimensional
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          1. Very simplistic
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          1. Interpreted through our own filters and lenses
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       8. Lots of reasons for this and we'll get into them today.  
   20. So this episode is titled What You Don't Know About Your Spouse Can Hurt Both of You.  
   21. So get ready, prepare yourself for light bulbs to switch on and shine brightly as we explore new and much clearer ways of thinking about sexual life in Catholic marriages, grounded in the perennial teachings of the Catholic Church and informed by the best of psychology. 
2. The Windup / the Hurdle -- What is our situation here.
    
   1. Five Bold claims:
       
      1. You don't really know your spouse.  
   2. 
      
      1. Your spouse doesn't really know you.  
   3. 
      
      1. Your Father doesn't or didn't really know your mother
   4.  
      1. Your mother doesn't or didn't really know your father
   5.  
      1. And you don't really know you.  
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3. 
   
   1. Not just talking about troubled marriages here.  Not just talking about Catholic marriages in general.  I'm also talking about those Catholic marriages that you admire.  
4. 
   
   1. In these days, very few people really deeply enter into the phenomenological world of anyone -- anyone else or even oneself.  
5. 
   
   1. Bold claims.  Explain yourself, Dr. Peter.  I don't know ...