What Every Conflict Is Actually About

“Before I can change your mind, I need to understand where your mind is,” says pro negotiator Daniel Shapiro. The founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, Shapiro has advised all sorts of people and organizations through conflict: families, CEOS, heads of state, Fortune 500 companies. He’s found that every conflict has a few things in common: Two sides typically get into conflict when they don’t feel appreciated by the other. And the way out of conflict is a dance that moves you toward a deeper understanding of the other side, which, Shapiro explains, “can really unlock emotional deadbolts in a relationship.” In this episode, Shapiro takes our chief content officer, Elise Loehnen, through one of her own wife-husband conflicts. They talk about accommodators versus confronters, what healthy confrontation looks like, how to deal (or not) with someone who is completely mired in conflict, how to set boundaries, and why the trivial is not trivial. (For more, see The goop Podcast hub.)