479-Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer

Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer

There is something so incredible about a story of redemption. And, dear reader, I believe this conversation will be a turning point for you, as it has been for so many in our community.

I’ve walked alongside men and women wrestling with the deep pain of sexual brokenness- the battles they face in their marriage beds, their thought lives, their past, and the weight of shame. I’ve seen firsthand the power of God to restore what seemed utterly lost. And this conversation with Jay Stringer is an invitation to that very healing journey.

Jay is a therapist, minister, researcher, and author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. His compassionate, curious approach offers a fresh lens: that the very behaviors we hate are not random. They are clues. And they point us to healing.

On this Good Friday, as we reflect on the sacrifice of Jesus, there is no better time to consider what it truly means to lay our shame at the foot of the cross.

Let’s dive in.

The Cross and Your Story of Healing

We all carry wounds. Some we’re acutely aware of, and others we’ve buried so deeply that they show up in our actions long before we recognize them in our hearts.

Jay opened our conversation by pointing us to the profound truth of the cross. Jesus knew exactly what you would do. Every mistake. Every moment of shame. And yet, He chose to take it all upon Himself. He bore your sin and your shame.

This is not a journey of trying harder to be good enough. It’s about understanding how deeply Jesus loves you, even in your lowest moments, and choosing to respond to His love with a courageous step toward healing.

Unwanted Behaviors: They Are Not Random

One of the most freeing truths Jay shared is this: our unwanted behaviors are not random.

Through his extensive clinical work and groundbreaking research, Jay discovered that the specific ways we struggle are deeply connected to our stories of origin.

Jay explained that in his role as the sex addiction therapist for the city of Seattle, he began to see patterns. Men arrested for soliciting sex were not making random choices. Their actions were connected to predictable stories of pain and trauma.

Whether you grew up in a home of neglect, where your heart longed for connection and was left empty, or in a home of rigid control, where you felt powerless and unseen, these early experiences shape the way you cope and the behaviors you pursue as an adult.

Your brain, your body, your desires are all responding to unhealed wounds.

Understanding the Root: Family Systems and the Power of Priming

Jay described two primary family systems that often set the stage for future struggles:

1. The Disengaged Family System:
   
   

   • Parents were physically or emotionally absent.
     
     

   • Your longing for connection was never fulfilled.
     
     

   • When you first experienced the neurochemical bond of pornography or sex, it felt like the deepest connection you had ever known.
     
     

2. The Rigid, Authoritarian Family System:
   
   

   • Parents were hyper-controlling, using performance or religion to shape you.
     
     

   • You felt powerless and suffocated.
     
     

   • Pornography, in contrast, offered a false sense of control and power over your environment.
     
     

Both systems prime you for certain temptations. And recognizing this isn’t about blaming parents or excusing behaviors. It’s about gaining understanding.

Because understanding is what allows us to grieve. And grieving opens the door to healing. As Jay says, “You can't just try to stop an unhealthy behavior. You have to understand why you were drawn to that behavior in the first place.”

Shame Keeps You Stuck. Curiosity Sets You Free.

As Christians, we know the seriousness of sin. But too often, we try to hate our way to holiness. We believe that if we punish ourselves enough, we’ll finally change.

But, the Apostle Paul tells us that it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Not our contempt. Not our loathing. Not our self-hatred.

Jay encouraged us to replace self-contempt with curiosity.

Ask yourself:

• Why am I drawn to this behavior?
  
  

• What is the pain underneath my actions?
  
  

• What does this reveal about my longing to be seen, known, and loved?
  
  

When we approach our story with curiosity, we give God space to reveal the roots of our pain.

The Shark of Shame: Swim Toward It

Jay also shared a fascinating metaphor that I just love:

Professional shark diver Andy Casagrande was once asked what to do if a great white shark is swimming toward you. His answer? Swim toward it.

If you swim away, you act like prey. But if you move toward the shark, it confuses the predator, and it backs away.

Shame operates the same way. When we run from it, it devours us. But when we confront it — facing it head on, sharing vulnerably in trusted community, seeking counseling, and naming our wounds — we rob shame of its power.

Swim toward the shark of shame.

Face it. Name it. And watch as it loses its grip on your life.

Jesus Took Your Shame to the Cross

This is where our faith becomes not just helpful, but essential.

The world offers coping strategies, but Jesus offers complete redemption. He didn’t just take your sin to the cross; He took your shame.

Through His death and resurrection, we are invited into freedom.

If you’ve ever felt like your past disqualifies you from God’s love, let me remind you: Jesus knew your struggles when He went to the cross. He went anyway. He has already made a way for you to live in righteousness, peace, and freedom.

This is the hope of Easter. The hope of the Gospel.

From Crisis to Calling: Your Story Matters

So often, the crises of our lives — the shame, the addictions, the brokenness — are actually invitations to transformation.

Jay shared that in the absence of elders to guide us through rites of passage, our souls will create crises that force us to confront our identity and our wounds.

Rather than run from the crisis, we can see it as a holy opportunity. Your struggle is not the end of your story. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

When you engage your story with honesty and curiosity, you step into the redemption God has for you. You become part of His story of restoration — not just for you, but for others.

Final Encouragement: There Is Hope for You

Dear friend, this journey is not about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about engaging your story with curiosity, leaning into the kindness of God, and walking the path of healing, step by step.

Jesus took your sin. He took your shame. And He rose again to give you new life.

This Easter, may you embrace the truth that resurrection is possible for you, too.

You are deeply loved. You are seen. You are not alone.

Happy Easter.

 

With love,

 

Belah & Team

 

PS - Check out Jay’s book here: Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing

PPS - If you want to take the first step into freedom and healing your marriage, schedule a free Clarity Call with us at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
“My husband and I lived parallel lives almost our entire marriage…The only thing he wanted from me in the relationship was sex. That was the last thing I wanted to give him because I was exhausted from trying to be the super mom and head of the household. This caused a rift in our relationship…After a separation in our own home we each began our own counseling…Both of our counselors questioned if a form of sex addiction might be part of the problem. I dove into trying to learn everything I could about sex addiction. I joined a 12 step group for spouses of sex addicts. That program is about avoiding unhealthy sexual behaviors. I didn’t even know what healthy sexual behaviors were. After 4 years of marriage counseling and feeling stuck in a marriage that was barely hanging on, I discovered your program. I found hope for my marriage and began to see my husband in a different light”