Ep 124: I Want My Spouse to Change But They Won’t! (and what to do about it)

Are you waiting for your spouse to finally "get it"? Whether it’s their communication style, a habit that hurts the family dynamic, or an emotional wall they’ve built, the pain of wanting your partner to change—and being met with resistance—is one of the loneliest experiences in a marriage.

In this deep-dive episode of Married and Connected, we move past the cliché advice of "just talk to them" and look at the hard science and psychology of change. We explore why your partner is neurologically wired to resist pressure, how to move from anxious pursuit to secure influence, and the life-changing power of emotional sobriety. If you feel like you’re negotiating with potential instead of living in reality, this episode is your roadmap back to yourself.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The Change Paradox: Why wanting change isn’t wrong, but why "forcing" it triggers the psychological phenomenon of Reactance.
• Attachment Styles & Conflict: How secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles dictate how we ask for change—and why some methods are doomed to fail.
• The Neurobiology of Resistance: Understanding the "ego defense" and why your partner’s brain perceives your requests as a threat to their identity.
• Emotional Sobriety: A deep dive into Dr. Andrea Vitz’s framework—learning to regulate your own internal state without using your partner’s behavior as a "drug."
• Control vs. Influence: Practical ways to set boundaries without ultimatums and stop the cycle of self-abandonment.
• The Hard Truths: How to distinguish between "hope" and "negotiating with potential," and how to know when waiting has become self-betrayal.

Featured Research & Frameworks:

• Dr. Alexandra Solomon: On the importance of relational self-awareness and focusing on the "Self" within the "Us."
• Dr. Andrea Vitz: On the principles of Emotional Sobriety and taking 100% responsibility for your own emotional peace.
• The Gottman Institute: Research regarding "Positive Sentiment Override" and how safety is a prerequisite for behavioral change.
• Attachment Theory: How childhood survival strategies (avoidance/anxiety) manifest as resistance in adult marriage.

Resources Mentioned:

• Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon
• The You You've Never Met by Dr. Andrea Vitz
• www.recognizingpotential.com

Connect with Us:

• Instagram: @married.and.connected
• Subscribe & Review: If this episode resonated with you, please leave a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify!

Keywords: Marriage advice, relationship change, how to get my husband to change, attachment theory in marriage, emotional sobriety, Dr. Andrea Vitz, Dr. Alexandra Solomon, secure attachment, marriage boundaries, marital conflict, avoidant partner, anxious attachment style.

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