3 Things To Talk About Every Day

Talking to each other seems like a pretty obvious topic, right? But, how many times have I asked Caleb, about a couple we’re working with, “Do they not talk???” This is a really fundamental issue that we see in most marriages we help. Folks are simply not having the basic day-to-day conversations they need to, and as a result, there are misunderstandings, miscommunications, and then conflict! If we can just make sure we talk about these essential subjects, we can save ourselves a whole lot of pain! One of Caleb and my earliest fights, when we were dating, was just because we hadn’t clearly communicated our expectations and plans. And let me tell you, it was a good fight...or bad fight, depending how you phrase it! One of the things we’ve learned to do over the years which saves us a ton of grief, is just to talk frequently about what’s going on. This talking is not always profound – but just about what’s happening, who’s going where, and what our expectations are around that. It’s really just collaborating about the busyness of life. This is where we jump into the research because reduced communication is actually associated with troubled marriages. Reduced Communication Frequency is Associated with Troubled Marriages One study we looked at found that greatly reduced quantity of communication in a marital relationship is associated with lowered marital satisfaction. The researchers asked the question, “Can reduced communication serve as a reliable marker to identify marriages which are in trouble?”[i] The study looked at 26 individuals who reported low to moderate marriage satisfaction as well as 93 divorced individuals. They then measured the amount and topic of communication each individual participated in within their marriage or past marriage. They found that the data from divorced individuals is very similar to that of married individuals who are less satisfied with their marriages. "The results suggest that less satisfied married individuals’ and divorced individuals’ reports … are very similar. Given these results, reduced communication in a marriage should be considered a probable marker variable indicating a marriage under stress.”[ii] The point here is that it’s really important to the long term viability of your marriage to make sure that you are talking to each other frequently. It’s also more than just a viability issue though: it actually will improve the quality of your marriage too. It’s one thing to make a marriage last. It’s another to make it enjoyable! More Frequent Conversation is Associated with Higher Marital Quality Another study looked at nearly 400 married people to understand the connection between frequency of conversation and marital quality. They measured four relationship characteristics to determine marital quality: liking, satisfaction, commitment, and trust. Those are all key ingredients in a happy marriage. Not surprisingly they found that the more frequently couples communicated, the greater the quality of their marriage.[iii] So, we want YOU to really be thinking about growing the frequency of your communicating in order to make your marriage last and to make it more enjoyable! There are three parts to this though: First you have to be communicating Then, you need to look at HOW you’re communicating Finally, we’ll tell you WHAT you need to be communicating about. The Five Universal Rules of Social Communication So, how should we communicate? A study from 2004 suggests that while frequency of conversation is important, how couples go about these conversations is even more important.[iv] It turns out that quality of communication, as measured by the five universal rules of social communication (see below), was also positively related with all four measure of marital quality (liking, satisfaction, commitment, and trust). The five universal rules of communication are: One should be polite