Finding Your SELF (Internal Family Systems, pt 2)

2025-07-31

There are many different religious and cultural traditions and concepts that help us understand what I’m referring to today as the SELF. This is the term used in the Internal Family Systems approach (IFS) to describe our inner being, essence, soul, or spirit. Find out:What SELF (yes, in all caps) is and how it helps you heal from withinHow to know when you’re accessing your core SELF (and how to get back to it when you’re not)Strategies for finding and accessing your core SELF

Find out:

What SELF (yes, in all caps) is and how it helps you heal from within
How to know when you’re accessing your core SELF (and how to get back to it when you’re not)
Strategies for finding and accessing your core SELF
Check in questions you can use to reconnect with SELF

In this episode, you’ll learn about finding your SELF so that you can live from a place of peace and strength.

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The concept of SELF reminds us that we are not our pain, our personality, or our behavior strategies. We are something else entirely. At our core, we are pure and unwounded. But as we go through life and get hurt, we become disconnected from that core SELF. We develop maladaptive behavior strategies to help us deal with that burden and pain. We lash out at people. We hurt ourselves and others.

In order to be a Calm Mama, you need to be able to tap into the calm that lives within you. You need to tap into your inner wisdom so that you can respond instead of react.

Finding Your SELF

Think about a time in your life when you felt very calm or loving, or you stayed really grounded during a tough situation. Your mind isn’t spinning. You’re not thinking or worrying about all the things you need to do or what might happen later or money or your body or whether people like you…

See if you can feel this in your body. Maybe you feel a gentle weight in your belly, like you’re sitting more grounded. Maybe you notice a lightness in your chest and head, softness in your shoulders and neck. You’re breathing a little deeper and easier.

Your core SELF’s intention is to heal you and to give you more and more access to that SELF. Here’s how to reconnect.

Notice when you aren’t in your SELF Energy

IFS gives us the 8 Cs of the SELF: Curiosity, calm, confidence, compassion, creativity, clarity, courage, and connectedness. If you feel any of these (and especially if you feel more than one), you’re likely connected to your SELF.

When you are disconnected from SELF and in your wounded energy, you might notice yourself feeling panicked, anxious, stressed, insecure, or judgmental.

Take a Pause Break

This is a tool I teach a lot. It’s simply taking a moment to slow down time. Buying yourself a few seconds so you can get ahead of the next moment instead of reacting to it. Getting to a place where you can respond slowly.

When you see everything as an emergency that you need to respond to right away, you get sucked into the drama and overwhelm. You get into fix it/change it/stop it/solve it mode. When you want to jump in and control things - that’s not your core SELF reacting. It’s your wounded parts, your ego, your fear, and your stress.

I truly believe that even 10 seconds can help you settle your nervous system and feel more calm.

Get into your body

Notice the feelings in your body. One thing that really helps me is to lay flat down on the ground with my arms and legs extended (similar to Savasana in yoga). I remind myself that the earth can hold me, and I feel my body relax and release.

A body scan is another helpful technique. Visualize each part of your body - from your toes up to the top of your head - recognizing and feeling each part as you go.

If you’d prefer to be standing, imagine yourself being rooted to the earth and a ball of light moving from the core of the Earth up into your feet, up through your shins, your legs, all the way up through your head and releasing like a ray of light.

Meditate

Meditation gives us a slice of time where we can be in that grounded, embodied place. We can release our thoughts, let them pass through us, and reconnect back to the body. If your brain takes over and thoughts pop up, that’s okay. Gently guide yourself back to your breath, back to the present moment.

Try a mantra

Repeating a phrase to yourself can also help you get back into your body and access the SELF. Try one of these and see how it works for you (or come up with your own):

There’s nothing I need to do right now.
I’m enough exactly how I am.
Everything is okay right now.
I have enough of what I need in this moment.
I am safe.

Activities like yoga, journaling, and walking in nature can also help you access SELF energy.

Using Your SELF Energy

The cool thing about IFS is that once you access your core SELF, you can actually use it to heal the wounded parts of you that are anxious or worried, that don’t feel like they are safe or enough. We invite those parts to a conversation with the core SELF. A worried part of you can pass a worry to the SELF and relax a little bit.

When your wounded parts are behind the steering wheel of your life, your coping strategies might look like panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, eating disorders, perfectionism, losing yourself in caretaking, sabotaging good things, isolating, emotionally shutting down, judging, or comparing yourself to others.

You do these things to make yourself feel better. But there is another way.

It looks like pausing, getting curious, and connecting back with your SELF. Asking yourself:

Hey girl, what's going on?
Why are you acting this way?
What are you worried about?
What do you need?
What would your highest, most wise self do?

It’s like using the Connection Tool with yourself. You don’t even have to wait until you’re feeling stressed. Try a daily morning check-in. Ask yourself what is happening inside of you right now? What is one thing you can do today that honors your SELF and your inner wisdom?

Your SELF is already inside of you. You were born with her. She is your essence. And she has your best interest in mind. Her intention is to help you, and you have access to her anytime you want or need it.

She wants you to feel clear, calm, and strong. She wants to be found by you. She’s waiting for you to stop and find her.

This week, I hope you’ll take some time to think about your SELF and look for places in your life where you feel calm and grounded, places where you are responding rather than reacting.

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