Why Abusers Believe Their Own Lies with Paul Colaianni

Why do emotionally abusive people double down on false narratives, deny reality, and convince themselves they’re the victim—even when they’re causing visible harm?

I'm joined by Paul Colaianni, host of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse podcasts and creator of The Healed Being program, one of the few resources for people who have been emotionally abusive and genuinely want to change.

We unpack one of the most confusing dynamics in abusive relationships: the distorted thinking that abusers use to justify their behavior and the self-protective systems that keep them from taking accountability.

We cover:

• Why abusers truly believe their own version of reality
• The psychology of self-righteousness, control, and emotional arrogance
• How survivors internalize blame and begin to question their own kindness
• The painful tipping point between self-sacrifice and self-protection
• What real change actually looks like—and why it often comes after the survivor walks away

Resources mentioned:

• The Mean Workbook by Paul Colaianni: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.gumroad.com/l/jkSo
• Jessica’s Boundaries Deep Dive + 1:1 Validation Calls: emotionalabusecoach.com
• The Unhooked Private Podcast & Course on the Cycle of Abuse: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/courses/unhooked

Work with me:
 emotionalabusecoach.com
highconflictdivorcecoaching.com

Subscribe to my Substack:
 jessicaknightcoaching.substack.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner