#13 - Don’t Have Children

Guess what the leading cause for divorce is. Marriage. You know why? Because when you’re young and horny and good looking and fit and ambitious and wild and optimistic and horny, the idea of growing old with someone who can shoulder half the responsibilities seems like a great plan. And the honeymoon sounds like a blast. Who wouldn’t want an exotic, all-expenses paid vacation on the family dime where your only responsibility is to bang through the soreness?

“One day we’ll be the sweet old couple who bickers at each other, but it’ll be cute.”

No it won’t.

Firstly, you’ll be complaining about how much greater life was when you were young, somehow relating being broke with innocence and romance. You’ll get heavier, slower, lazier, and waaay less fun. You’ll twist the wrong way getting out of the car and end up horizontal for the next 48 hours. And as far as your partner? Over years of repetition, you’ll begin to despise their little ticks like the noticeable groaning noises when they eat, leaving an empty carton in the fridge with barely a full sip remaining, and involuntary farts.

And it’s the same with having kids. When they’re new and fresh and little and curious, they’re as cute as anything in life can be, all doe-eyed and non-judgmental. They have to be. It’s a matter of preserving the species. If babies weren’t precious we wouldn’t put up with their bullshit. But then it doesn’t take long until they’re hairy, teen-aged, argumentative, Hot Pocket eating, Grand Theft Auto playing, zit-faced, mango flavored distillate vaping, masturbating, money vacuums who eventually, apprehensively, become adults.

Have I mentioned I have a friend named Davey Dabs?

I wonder if he was ever cute.