Sophie Smith Lost Her Premature Triplets And Then Her Husband. This Is How She Kept Going

Sophie Smith thought she was about to become a mother to three baby boys.

Instead, after going into premature labour halfway through her pregnancy, she and her husband Ash found themselves facing unimaginable heartbreak. Over the course of 82 days, they lost all three of their triplets; Henry, Evan and Jasper.

In this deeply moving conversation with Kate Langbroek, Sophie speaks about those months of hope and heartbreak, the grief that followed, and the extraordinary way she and Ash channelled that pain into purpose by founding Running for Premature Babies — a charity that has since helped save the lives of thousands of premature babies across Australia.

Sophie also opens up about the second devastating loss that would change her life forever: losing Ash to brain cancer in 2016, after years of treatment and remission, and what it meant to continue raising their two young sons while carrying such enormous grief.

This episode is about motherhood, resilience, love, loss, and the ways we learn to keep going even after life turns out nothing like we imagined.

If this conversation brings anything up for you, support is available: Lifeline (13 11 14)

To learn more about Running for Premature Babies or support their work, visit: https://www.runningforprematurebabies.com

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CREDITS:

Guest: Sophie Smith

Host: Kate Langbroek

Group Executive Producer: Naima Brown

Executive Producer: Bree Player

Assistant Producer: Coco Lavigne

Audio and Video Producer: Josh Green

Social Media Producer: Olivia Colman

Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land on which we have recorded this podcast.

Kate Langbroek 0:00
Sophie Smith, welcome to no filter.

Speaker 1 0:04
Thank you, Kate.

Kate Langbroek 0:06
I'd like to preface our conversation by extending my regret at what has led us to be having this conversation.

Speaker 1 0:19
Thank you

Kate Langbroek 0:19
The loss of four of your boys, your your triplets, and, of course, your beloved husband, Ash. But what it has led to for you is the publication of this book called Sophie's boys, and it is such a discovery and a revelation of grief and so searingly honest that when I was finishing this book yesterday morning, it was probably About 730 in the morning, I was absolutely howling. It's quite a master work and a work of the soul.

Speaker 1 1:11
Thank you. I hope that you found that it was also a story of hope over a story of despair, and because that's what I see my story as you know it's I would hope that it's uplifting rather than depressing. Even though you know it's sad, there's still so much hope. I think,

Kate Langbroek 1:30
well, you're living testament to that really, because people who have encountered loss, and if you live, you will lose, right? We know that about life, but for you to have encountered such devastating loss and repeatedly, and then to have not only picked yourself up, but to have picked up others around you is such a testament to the human spirit and such a balm to the human spirit.

Sophie Smith 2:07
Thank you. I mean, you know, I feel like it's actually helped me. I can't imagine how my life would be if it hadn't been for, you know, the charity that's come from my boys and and the fact that I've been able to bring them with me on the journey of the last 20 years through running for premature babies. Yes, so the charity is running for premature babies. And you know about premature babies because in 2006

Kate Langbroek 2:37
so 20 years ago, you were pregnant with triplets. Tell me about, tell me about how you came to that point to be expecting three babies as your first baby.

Sophie Smith 2:55
Yeah, it was just, it was just so incredible when Ash and I was recently married to ash, and when we found out that we were pregnant with not one, not two, but three babies, it was really such a spin out. I mean, we couldn't believe it, but we couldn't think of anything more wonderful. I remember at the very first scan when we found out we were having three and, I mean, it was a huge shock, but I remember when the sonographer was just measuring the three little ones in there, and one of them was was too small. And the sonographer said, oh, you know, there's three, but come back in two weeks, because this other little one, you know, probably won't make it. And I remember walking out of the that room and ash holding my hand and saying, bobsies. I really hope that little one makes it. And I just thought that was so beautiful that right from the beginning, we sort of loved them all. And when we went back two weeks later, the little one had caught up, and yeah, we continued on with the pregnancy. We were so excited. I used to love it when people would, you know, random strangers would see that I was pregnant and say, oh, you know, congratulations. Is it your first? And I used to absolutely love saying, yeah, it's my first three. We spent the next six months preparing for this instant family. We found a triplet buggy, which was so cute, and we got it home and we assembled it, and it sat in our hallway, and it was like these three little seats in a line awaiting this precious cargo. And I couldn't wait to be pushing them around Centennial Park and, and, yeah, I just, you know, I didn't really, I remember at the beginning, I didn't really consider all the sort of logistics of the difficulties, how difficult it would be to be a mother, mother of three babies. I just thought we were blessed?

Kate Langbroek 4:40
Well, that's interesting, because normally people are overwhelmed at the prospect of having their first child being a single and yet, because you didn't know any other way to be,

Speaker 1 4:53
I think that's right. I think when I look back now, sometimes I wonder, how was I so blase? About being pregnant with three but because I've been pregnant before, you know, and once we got over the sort of initial shock of the fact that we were having three babies, we were just, you know, we were all up for it and just super excited,

Kate Langbroek 5:12
because you've also got the spirit of an adventurer. I mean, you came to our shores from the UK.

Kate Langbroek 5:20
You were, you were born in Japan. You lived extensively as a child in Asia. Then you came here as a teacher, and you met, you fell in love with one of our finest, Ash, I sure did. And what were you looking for at the time, were you looking for adventure for

Sophie Smith 5:41
at the time I met ash, I was just living in the present, living in the moment, having a great time. I was new to Sydney. I met ash a week before the Olympics, and we had our first date on the night of the opening ceremony of the Olympics. And the city was abuzz. And the next two weeks was just like a whirlwind of of, you know, fun, as you know, we met and we fell in love, and we were, you know, Sydney was just on fire then, and we were having a great time and, and really, we just, we, we just had a really great time together. And then we moved in together, and

Speaker 1 6:16
it was actually five years later, we finally got married, and then we were like, right, let's, let's do this. Let's have kids. And, yeah,

Kate Langbroek 6:24
so you were 35 then, and you were like, now's the time.

Speaker 1 6:29
Yeah, I'm like, Come on, let's get on with it. I always wanted to have a big family. And, you know, I love, I love kids. And I was working as a primary school teacher at the time, and I Yeah, Ash and I were, and ash was so excited as well. He was, yeah, he was, he was a great dad, his, his, our boys were his pride and joy every all five of them.

Kate Langbroek 6:54
Well, it

Speaker 1 6:54
turned out in

Kate Langbroek 6:55
the in the book, and when you talk about the progression of the pregnancies, and when things started to go awry, Ash really proved himself to be a perfect partner for you and a perfect dad at that time as well. So your pregnancy was traveling in a pretty uncomplicated manner until you were in a supermarket, you were 21 weeks. 21

Speaker 1 7:27
weeks. Yeah, so yes, I, I was in the supermarket one morning and and I felt this sort of, I thought, if I just wet myself, that's weird. I didn't really panic, because I just thought, Oh, it must be some weird pregnancy thing. I've just had some bladder leak. So I carried on with my supermarket shop. And then as I was getting home, and I was sort of carrying my bags in, as I was walking up the stairs to the house, I suddenly felt this second sort of Gush much bigger than the first and then I just thought, Oh, that's really weird. But still, I because it was so early on in the pregnancy, it wasn't, I didn't think it was my waters breaking, because I didn't really think that that happened 21 weeks

Kate Langbroek 8:18
into your pregnancies, within pregnancies anyway?

Speaker 1 8:20
Yeah, I just thought it was something weird, you know it was. So I wasn't too worried. And I rang the hospital and they said they'll just come up and we'll, we'll check you out. So Ash was at work, I don't think at that stage, maybe I gave him a call and said, Oh, don't worry. I'm just off to the hospital. They're checking me out. And I got to the hospital and they said, Okay, we'll just test by this stage, there was more. There was actually more. And I was starting to think, what the hell is going on? And then they said, we're just going to test see what this is. And then they came back, and I remember the doctor coming in and taking my hand. I was on my own still because I hadn't called ash up. He took my hand and he looked me in the eyes, and he said, we've just confirmed that that is amniotic fluid, and this means that you will go into labor within the next 24 hours, and at 21 weeks gestation, nothing can be Done to save your babies. They will all die so I and you were on your own. I was on my own. And honestly, I can't even, I mean, there aren't even the words to describe the horror, the absolute horror. I remember when I was pregnant a few weeks earlier, Ash had, as a surprise, had signed me up to this magazine from America called the triplet connection. And it was some triplet family magazine of triplet families. And anyway, this thing had arrived in the post, and I'd ripped it open. I was so excited. I'm reading about all these lovely triplet. Families and and then I got to this page in the magazine, and it said in memory. And there was a page where I was reading about people whose who were pregnant with triplets and their babies had died. And I sat there as I was reading this page, and I wept for these women somewhere in America who had lost, whose babies had been born prematurely and they had died. And not for one second had I thought, did I think at that stage? Oh, I hope that doesn't happen to me. It was just somebody else's tragedy. And there was one story where I read that somebody had had their three babies, and one had died at birth, one had died a few days later, and one had died a few days after that, and I cried so many tears for this woman, and I remember thinking, how did she survive? I can't. I wouldn't survive, if any you know, I couldn't. I wouldn't survive that. But I, I wasn't, then scared for myself, because that was just somebody else's story, my story, I was pregnant, I was fit, I was healthy, I was, you know, I was so proud about being pregnant with triplets, and I was off doing, you know, I was working, and I was going to the supermarket, and I was doing my thing. And in my mind, naive. Call me naive. I just thought, you know, I knew that the babies would be born prematurely. I've been warned, you know, you haven't triplets, they'll be born early. I thought that just meant, you know, maybe five or six weeks early. Maybe they'd have to spend a couple of weeks in hospital to fatten up. But this, you know, I never considered that this was going to happen to me. And so when I was told, suddenly it was like being hit by a truck. I was suddenly told your your babies are going to die. And I could, I just remember, I remember the doctor leaving the room, and I was on my own in just, I mean, it was, I can't even, there aren't even any worse to describe. And I rang ash and said, You have to come quickly. Anyway. They told us, you know, 24 hours the babies are coming. And then that didn't actually happen. And so we were, we were kept in, I think, in the delivery suite and, or maybe we were taken to the antenatal ward. But anyway, they took us to some Ward, some bed somewhere, and said, Okay, you know, you'll start to have contractions at some stage. Anyway, that day came and went, and the next day came and went, and by this stage, I had stopped leaking as well. There was no more water coming out. And so they took me for a scan. And that was also, I remember, we went for this scan in the department of the hospital. And there they were the three little babies on the screen of the scan, and you could see them. They each had their own sac. They weren't identified, so they each which meant they were less complicated. It was less of a complicated pregnancy because each had their own placenta. They each had their own sac. And there they were these three little, sweet little things kicking about in their sacks, and even Henry, we didn't Henry whose waters had broken, he had somehow, I don't know his bottom or his foot or something, had seemed to have plugged the hole. And so there was still a little bit of water in his sack. And they told me that water is actually it will replenish, because it's actually the baby's we. I mean, it's not a very political way to put it, but the baby we's And that's what the water is inside the sack. And and I remember asking the doctor, saying, look, look at them. They're fine. They're all fine, like, so does this mean? Does this mean they're all going to be okay? And the doctor looked me and looked really grim, and he said, Well, there's probably a, like a 1% chance that they'll all be that, you know, you're going to remain pregnant. And I think he thought I was mad, because for the last two days, we were told you are going to deliver these babies, they are going to die, and suddenly somebody was telling me there was 1% chance they're all going to be fine,

Kate Langbroek 14:12
right? So you

Speaker 2 14:13
had,

Speaker 1 14:13
so I thought,

Kate Langbroek 14:14
one person, we've

Speaker 1 14:16
got, we've got 1% I'll take 1% 1% that's great, you know, yeah, let's, let's do it. We'll be the 1% Thank you very much. And so, so I just clung to that, you know, that that but, but that didn't happen. And five days later, my contraction started, and we were wheeled back down to the delivery suite and and Henry was born.

Kate Langbroek 14:46
Little Henry, yeah, Tiny. Little Henry,

Kate Langbroek 14:51
yeah.

Kate Langbroek 14:52
He was, how heavy when he was born.

Kate Langbroek 14:55
He

Speaker 1 14:55
was 450 grams.

Kate Langbroek 14:58
He was a patty butter.

Speaker 1 15:00
Yeah, yeah. And he was born alive. And I was in great distress just before his birth, but ash, he was just so wonderful. Because when Henry was born, Ash said to me, he's he's alive. We didn't, we were told that they probably, he probably he probably wouldn't be born alive. He probably wouldn't survive the birth. And ash said he's alive. He actually even gave a tiny, tiny cry, like a tiniest, little little squeak, and they put him up on my chest, and ash said, we have to give him a good life. And I and

Kate Langbroek 15:44
even though he knew that that life was going to be very short.

Speaker 1 15:50
So I'm so grateful for Ash for saying that, because when he said, we have to give him a good life, I suddenly realized, you know, he's here with us now. This is his life, and we had one hour with him a lot, one hour before he died. And in that hour, I even looking back actually over the lives of my three boys, I do feel like Henry's life was the best life he had the most all he spent his whole life in my arms, and all he knew was love, and we spent the hour talking to him and and telling him how loved he was. I remember ash holding me as I was holding Henry, and ash said, I can't believe how much I love him. And, yeah,

Kate Langbroek 16:49
when, when you gave birth to Henry, was that they did a cesarean?

Speaker 1 16:55
No,

Kate Langbroek 16:56
it was natural. I don't understand the physiology of how this works for you or for him?

Speaker 1 17:05
Yeah, so I gave birth to Henry. I actually didn't even know. I don't know if it's too much information for your listeners, but I didn't even really know that he was so close to being born, I'd been in labor for hours, but I didn't know, and I actually thought that I needed to do a poo, and I went to the loo, and he was actually born when I was on the loo. And it was, it was a horrible shock, but what happened was, I gave birth to Henry, but my body did not birth his placenta,

Kate Langbroek 17:40
right?

Speaker 1 17:41
And because his placenta hadn't, my labor stopped. Because after Henry was born, I was told, Oh, you know, we'll just keep you here, because obviously there's more babies coming. And then the labor just stopped. And so they moved me back to antenatal at that stage, and just said, Look, we just got to wait. But at that stage, it was 21 and a half weeks, and back in 2006 babies born before 24 weeks were not

Kate Langbroek 18:15
viable.

Speaker 1 18:16
Not viable.

Kate Langbroek 18:17
Yes,

Speaker 1 18:18
exactly. And so we were told it's, it's very unlikely that your body is going to hold on to your other two babies for another three and a half, two and a half weeks, but we'll just, it's just a wait. Then we just wait and see. And then I don't think anyone thought we would make it to 24 weeks. And then every day that passed ash, and I, sort of, you know, had our hopes grew, I was very high risk of getting an infection. And they told me, if I had any sign of infection, they would just induce me, because that would be dangerous to my life. And so my the next two and a half weeks, I just lay in bedrest, on bed rest in hospital, and I did not want to move. I remember, you know, even that I had to get up to go to the loo. And I was asking them, please, can't you just give me a catheter or something? I don't want to get up to go to the loo. And they said, No, that's an infection risk. We can't do that. You're fine to go to the loo. But then, you know, as I remember, As the days passed, the nurses were encouraging me to go in the wheelchair and just going out, go outside and get some fresh air. And I said, No, thanks. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to I'm going to wait. I can't. I just have to make it to 24 weeks.

Kate Langbroek 19:37
You weren't straddling two worlds then, because you'd had that heartbreaking loss. The one hour with Henry, with darling little Henry, who is on the cover of your book, is that

Speaker 1 19:53
he is, I'm so I'm so happy that Henry, that that photo. Was able to be on the cover of my book. Yeah.

Kate Langbroek 20:02
And yet, as a mother, your the rest of every ounce of your energy was going towards growing the two boys that were still inside you and getting them to that 24 week period, which you did?

Speaker 1 20:25
Yeah, I I had to be after Henry. We kept Henry with us for about two days, I think, and then we had to say goodbye, which was really hard. But I remember thinking that the most important thing now was I've had to, I had to keep, had to look after Evan and Jasper, and I had to remain as calm as possible. Because I thought that if I was very distressed, I might, you know, even spike a fever, and then they'd think I had an infection, then they'd be inducing so I didn't want to even I didn't want to even be sad, because I just and I wanted to just be calm. And Ash was amazing. He did not leave the hospital. There was no bed for him, and he slept on the floor next to my bed for three weeks. He never, even, didn't ever leave the hospital, because he also knew that if anything was to happen, he didn't want to miss, you know, birth of his children, and he knew that I needed him. So we, he stayed with me, and actually, we got into a little rhythm, and we used to, he used to read to me, and we'd play Scrabble, and we'd, we'd just, you know, hope, and we, and I think, as we got closer to 24 weeks, that was a scary time, because I'd had a conversation with the neonatologists from the neonatal intensive care unit, and they told me, you have to be 24 weeks before we can consider, you know, saving your babies. And as when I got to 23 weeks, I was really scared, because I kept thinking, we're so close. We're so close, if anything goes wrong before I'm 24 weeks, you know, we're going from zero, you know, no chance of survival, to 24 weeks. They had told me that if I was, if my babies were born at 24 weeks, there'd be the 50% chance of survival. Well, we made it to 24 weeks, and on that day we we just were so relieved. We were just like, yes, we're here. We've made it 24 weeks. So we're like, okay, then we're in here for the long haul. We'll stay on bedrest for another 16 weeks. My babies can come on time. You know they're going to be fine and and that Henry will always be. I remember saying to ash, we're always going to call them triplets. Evan and Jasper are always going to be triplets, and they will know about their brother, Henry. And Henry will always be a part of our, of our, of our family,

Kate Langbroek 22:57
and almost in a way, did you think that Henry had maybe sacrificed himself

Speaker 1 23:03
exactly I thought that, you know, that's exactly right, that Henry had had had come so that Jasper and Evan could live and, you know, and I could tell them, in years to come, about their incredible brother, Henry. And what a, you know, what what a beautiful little boy he he was, and how much he was loved and wanted, yeah, but I also yeah in, in the actually, what happened next is interesting. You say that that in talk about sacrificing himself, I actually think that Evan, I feel that about Evan as well. Right? Number two, yes, because my waters actually ended up breaking on the very day we turned 24 weeks, which, at the time, I thought I couldn't believe how lucky we were. There had been 24 you know, here we were officially at 24 weeks. It was a huge disappointment, of course, and a huge shock. My waters broke again, because we want we knew that every day beyond 24 weeks was going to increase their chances of survival, but I also knew that this could have been yesterday, in which case my babies would have no chance. And so my waters broke. We were we'd been in hospital by this stage for what, three weeks, and when, after my Waters had broken, there was suddenly a whole flurry of sort of toing and fro ing from the doctors and staff and and then a doctor came over and said, Okay, we're just organizing an ambulance for you because there aren't any beds available in the neonatal intensive care unit here at the Royal Hospital for Women, and we've called around all the hospitals in Sydney, and there's a critical shortage of neonatal intensive care beds tonight, so we're going to have to take you up to Newcastle and your baby's. Will be cared for up there, and they've got a wonderful hospital up there. So we were like, Oh, all right, this doesn't sound ideal, but okay, let's, let's get going then and and then an hour or so passed, and I started to get quite anxious and say, What are we waiting for? You know, my babies might be delivered on Route, so that's going to be no good. Can we go now, please? And then they said, Oh, we're really sorry. There's another plan C. Newcastle doesn't have any beds available, so we're going to deliver your babies here in Sydney. We'll airlift them to Brisbane or Melbourne. And then they said, we just have to warn you that there is a possibility that we might have to take one to Brisbane and one to Melbourne, and that that was just, you know, like there was another moment of a terrible moment, because I suddenly thought, but we've just achieved the impossible here. We've just made it to 24 weeks. We've just done the hard bit. What? What's happening now? How come I? Anyway, luckily, thankfully, my labor, my Waters had broken, but my labor didn't progress again. No,

Kate Langbroek 26:12
because the boy, it seemed like the boys were on your side. We've

Speaker 1 26:20
got, yeah, so it was actually, I think, three days later, by that stage, I mean, they were amazing at the hospital. And by that stage, one of the neonatologists had come up to see me, and he had said, I want to let you know we have two beds available at the role here in the NICU. We're saving them for your babies. Nobody is going to use those beds, and we're going to keep them for you. So whenever your babies are born, that's where they'll be. So that was a big relief, and then, but the next day, yeah, there was, I had to have an emergency cesarean because it was Jasper whose waters had broken the second time, and

Kate Langbroek 27:01
it was

Speaker 1 27:01
something called, I'd never heard of this before. It's called a footling breach. Have you ever heard of that? That's when the leg so Jasper's Waters had broken, and his leg had come out of his sack, and his leg was stuck. So his leg was coming out, but the rest of him was inside, and that's very dangerous. So they said, Okay, we've got a problem here. We need to give you an emergency Caesar and get these babies out. And the reason why I said Evan was I felt like Evan had sort of, you know,

Kate Langbroek 27:34
sacrifice,

Speaker 1 27:35
even to sacrifice himself, is that Evan was born intact in his sack, so Evan

Kate Langbroek 27:40
could

Speaker 1 27:42
have stayed, but for Jasper to give Jasper a chance, Evan had to be born too. And so Evan and Jasper were born, and their birth went really well, and they handled the birth really well, and they were whisked off to the NICU. I it was as complicated cesarean, and there was a few complications, so I had to be taken to the critical care and I was a bit out of it for a couple of days. Ash was able to go down and see the babies in the NICU, and he came back to me, and he just said, Oh, he came back saw me. I hadn't met them. I didn't I think it was two days before I get Scott sword to see them, and ash came back just saying, Oh, my God, they are so perfect. They're the perfect little babies. I've never seen such beautiful babies. And of course, you know, they're actually, they were extremely premature. You know, they had their even their skin hadn't finished developing. Their eyes were sealed shut. They were, you know, their lungs, their brains, their hearts, everything was underdeveloped, and they they were looked after in the NICU. And I remember somebody saying that if they got could get through the first four days without any complications, then their chances of survival significantly rise. And four days later, everything was going so well, and they were taking my breast milk through a tube, straight into this drop. They were literally given one drop at a time, drop an hour

Kate Langbroek 29:12
or something. That's

Speaker 2 29:13
tiny, yeah, extraordinary, your

Kate Langbroek 29:17
colostrum,

Speaker 1 29:18
yeah. And so that was really, you know, I wasn't able to touch them at all, but at this stage, and for me, it was really, it was an amazing thing that I was able to produce this colostrum and then some milk that was all being frozen for them and given to them drop by drop. And I could feel like I was doing something as their mum, because I couldn't do anything. I wasn't even allowed to touch them.

Kate Langbroek 29:46
How is that, when you're looking at your little, your tiny, little scun Rabbits, humidity cribs, and you can't, you can't touch them. How is that?

Speaker 1 29:58
Oh, I just wanted to rip them out. And hold them to my chest, and you know, but I also knew that they were in the very best care, and I knew that that holding, I always I wanted to, just wanted to hold them, but I also knew that that was going to be for me and not for them at this stage, and even when I was finally allowed to hold Jasper, which was a couple of weeks later, actually, after, after Evan had passed away. But I remember when they offered for me to hold Jasper, and I actually was, I was scared that it wasn't going to be that would hurt him, you know, he's I would rather wait, you know, I would rather wait until it was nice for him to be held, too. But it we got very used to just sitting by their beds, and we would, you know, talk to them. And at this stage, their eyes hadn't opened, so they were just in their humidity crib. But yeah, it was we had a really good week and

Kate Langbroek 31:03
and then things went awry for Evan. Was it his lungs?

Speaker 1 31:09
No, it wasn't his lungs. It was his brain. So well he, first of all, seven days old, he just became really ill, and the doctors were very worried. And actually, it was the day that I was let home from hospital after seven days, they said to me, Okay, time for you to go home, and I didn't want to go. And they luckily we lived. We were lucky. We lived near the hospital, but we went home, and that night, in the middle of the night, the phone rang, and they said, Come back quick. And so we went in. And Evan was really ill. And it turned out that he had a he had a very severe brain hemorrhage, and which is, which is very common in premature babies. And so at 10 days old, they they told us that his brain hemorrhage was so severe that their advice was that we should turn off his life support and let him, let him go. And so that was the first time I'd ever that I held Evan. Was when we took him out of his of his humidity crib, and I held him as they as he passed away.

Kate Langbroek 32:16
So that was the decision that you had to make. That decision was left to you.

Speaker 1 32:27
Yeah, do you know it's something that I have struggled with. I struggled with for a long time because I wanted my boys to be here, and I didn't even even actually, at their birth, at 24 weeks, we were asked, Would you like us to resuscitate your babies? Because at this early gestation,

Kate Langbroek 32:48
we

Speaker 1 32:48
don't have to. We can, you know, you might choose.

Kate Langbroek 32:51
Yes, it

Speaker 1 32:52
might be fairer to let them go. And I remember asking the doctors about disabilities and saying, I, I, you know, please do everything you can to save my babies whatever disabilities they end up having. We will deal with we will give these boys a great life. We'll care for them. We don't, you know, if, if there are disabilities as a result of their prematurity, well, that's just, you know, that's just what we'll deal with that. That's fine. That's okay. But at this stage, the doctors were saying, this is beyond that. This,

Kate Langbroek 33:33
it was a template of both you and ash that even when you were found to be having a multiple pregnancy that you were offered the the option of selectively. I don't know what the term is, but to

Speaker 1 33:48
they call it a reduction, which they they advise with a multiple with a higher order multiple birth, which is anything three or over, that you reduce. But to us, and I've never regretted our decision not to we. There was no that was just not a possibility for us. We were these three babies were, you know, everything to us so. And I've never, I've actually never regretted that

Kate Langbroek 34:17
you've so you've got little Evan, now you're holding him for the first time to say goodbye.

Speaker 1 34:30
And I wish I could say that I gave him a good send off like we did with Henry. But poor little Evan, it was very I I've always felt guilty about that as well, that I was in such distress. I was

Kate Langbroek 34:46
sandwiched and Evan was sandwich. It's, it's always the fate of the middle child, isn't it?

Speaker 1 34:54
Yeah, she was I always do actually think of Evan. I always think, Oh, little Evan was a real. Middle child,

Kate Langbroek 35:00
because he

Speaker 1 35:01
didn't get his special time. You know, he came and went in the middle of it all in this blur of 10 days when, after Evan died, I actually never saw I didn't have any special time with him. We never saw him again, whereas with Henry, we spent two days with him after he passed, and I, I was obviously, you know, throwing everything into Jasper as well. So Evan, Evans passing was very well. Obviously, they're all very sad, but I feel great sadness over Evan and but, um, but after, Ever After Evan died. The next day we came back into the hospital, and there was just, and have to say that when Evan was sick for three days before he passed, little Jasper was doing brilliantly. And again, I was so happy that, you know, Jasper gave us that time with that. Jasper didn't take any attention away at that stage. We sort of ignored him for three days and spent, you know, looked after, were worrying about Evan. And then Jasper did brilliantly. And I have to say, even after Evan died, I 100% believed that Jasper would be fine. Jasper was strong. Jasper was the biggest as well, and he was nothing was wrong with Jasper. His, his heart was perfect, his brain was perfect, his, his, his guts were doing, you know, taking, he was taking my milk, and all the digestion was all fine, pooing and weeing. We were changing his nappy, and there was nothing sweeter than like changing going, Oh, Jasper's done a poo. We can change his nappy. Because, after Evan died, I was able to. Then, because Jasper was stronger, we weren't able to hold him, but we were able to to do the care. So that changes. You wash his face

Kate Langbroek 37:05
and cradle his head and his little, his tiny, little toes,

Speaker 1 37:10
yeah, and, you know, there were times when it was amazing, because we felt like he really knew us. And there were times when things were going badly, or, you know, the doctors would be worried because all his numbers would have crashed, and they were fiddling around trying to, you know, I don't know, change things in his in his treatment, and everyone would be worried because the numbers were wrong. And then I remember one day ash just putting his hand in to the humidity crib as they were dealing with him, and just just stroked his head. And as he stroked his head, we all looked at the numbers and saw them all even out, and his heart rate came back to normal. And it was like, he really, you know, that was actually helping him. So we used to, yeah, we were there and and did what we could. And even, like the first hold was within his humidity crib, through the windows, the nurse said, Look, I've just got to change his sheets. Just put your hands in and just hold him. So I literally was holding

Kate Langbroek 38:15
him like this

Speaker 1 38:16
little bit up, just like as they were changing his sheets. And it was just so wonderful to feel his weight and his body wriggling around. Oh, he was so beautiful. He was such a sweet. Little boy. Was so sweet, and he had such spirit. You know, he opened his eyes two days after Evan died, we were in and we were sitting by his crib, and he had his little face down, and then he moved his, I think the nurse moved his head, and suddenly we saw this big, black, beady eye wide open, and both ash and I went, I remember ash saying, Hello, darling, Jasper. And we, we felt like we could connect with him on a whole new level once his eyes opened, and then he got to, you know, we felt like he could even hear our he could recognize our voice, and he'd try and move his head to see us, and he'd look at us with and he had this amazing expressions on his face, like he was this real little boy that was, you Know, trying so hard, and he did really well. He doubled his birth weight. Doubled his birth weight. He was quite a, you know, comparatively a big boy after 58 days.

Kate Langbroek 39:33
And then after 58 days, he was the one who had lung

Kate Langbroek 39:38
issues.

Speaker 1 39:39
Yeah, his lungs. He had a really good few weeks where they were able to take him off the ventilator, probably for a week. And in that time, we were allowed to take him out of his crib, humidity crib, and actually hold him, which was just incredible.

Kate Langbroek 39:56
How was that I.

Speaker 1 40:00
It was, yeah, it was just, it was amazing, and that when I, there was one time I the only time I was allowed skin to skin. The other times he was all wrapped up with blankets and tubes and all the rest of it. But one time they said, Okay, we'll do skin to skin, where they just place him on my chest like this. Now he was fed through a tube so into his stomach. He didn't have, you know, he wasn't actually taking milk, and he had, it was, I don't think he was interviewed intubated at that stage. But anyway, they put him on my chest. And I couldn't believe it, because I put him sort of on my boob, but I wasn't meaning to, like, feed him. And he actually latched on to my nipple

Kate Langbroek 40:45
and

Speaker 1 40:46
and he took one little suck, and then he fell fast asleep. And it was just such an amazing moment to think, oh, that he even knows to do

Kate Langbroek 40:57
that

Speaker 1 40:58
and that, yeah, so that we had some really special, special times with Jasper. And even, you know, when he hit one kilo in weight, and ash bought a kilo of chocolate and brought it in and shared it around with all the nurses to celebrate. And we had, you know, the West Coast Ash was a big West Coast Eagles AFL supporter, and it was that it was the grand final, and it was the Eagles versus the swans that year, and the Eagles won. And ash came into the hospital with all his Eagles decorated, decorated the humidicom, and all the nurses were joking about this being absolutely terrible. So we had this, you know, we had some, really, you know, some good times within the but, but then Jasper started to struggle with his lungs. And there were many difficult there were many times when we were called back to the hospital in the middle of the night, in a you know, we would get that awful phone call where the phone would ring in the middle of the night and they would just say, come quickly. And we would literally, we wouldn't even say a word to each other. We would be from being fast asleep to being in the car, and within a minute, we just and then getting to the hospital and rushing in and trying to, you know, waiting for the lift and rushing in and not knowing what we were going to be met with when we got there. And there were so many times when he would get in and they'd say, Oh, we we're not sure. We think this, this might be it. And then Jasper would really say, Nah, I'm not going, you know, I'm still here.

Kate Langbroek 42:40
And along the way, the narrative that you and ash had very much with each other was, one day this will be a great story to tell our boy, The Boy Who Lived what he

Speaker 1 42:51
did. Yeah, we thought we'll always tell him about the time, the, you know, the times we had to rush in and and we thought that that he was going to die. And then he he didn't. He proved everybody wrong, and there he was. And so this happened probably three or four times, and then when he was 58, days old, and was always his lungs, it was always his lungs, and he suffered from chronic lung disease. Again, a very common, common thing for premature babies, and the ventilators weren't able, were actually damaging his lungs. They weren't able to support him, and

Kate Langbroek 43:30
because they were too strong, is strong these tiny little

Speaker 1 43:35
Yeah, so when he was 58, days old, we received another call, another call. It was early in the morning, and we went rushing in and and I remember going in, and the team was so amazing at the hospital, but I do remember seeing one of the doctors working on Jasper, and I saw a tear roll down her face and and I thought, this is anyway again. I just thought, you know, is this he's gonna I right up until the last moment, I held out hope until there was none. And in the end, they said, there's nothing more we can do. You know, would you like us to, you know, would you like to hold him? And the most amazing thing was that when we got into the hospital that day, he was knocked out. He was fast asleep because they'd knocked him out with some something, because they were having to do things to him that were going to hurt. And so they, you know, they knocked him out. And I was so as I was holding him, and this is like, such a like afterwards, I had to ask ash, is this really? Did this really happen? Why am I making this up? But it's really happened. I was holding him and I was thinking, or I think I was even saying, I'm so. Sorry, I wasn't here for you. I wasn't here for you. And I was thinking to myself, the poor little boy, the last people he saw

Kate Langbroek 45:08
were

Speaker 1 45:09
the with the staff, you know, doctors and nurses, obviously wonderful people, but it should have been his mum, and he would have been scared. And I wasn't here for him. And I was holding him and thinking, I wish that you know, I'm so sorry. And as I was holding him, I looked down. His eyes were closed. I looked down, and he opened his eyes, and he looked in my eyes and he closed his eyes. And at that moment, Ash was looking away, looking at his at the machines that he was still hooked up to looking at his numbers, and I said, Ash, he's open his eyes. He's he looked at me. He looked at me. And then I actually even questioned myself, because ash looked back, and there he was with his eyes closed again. And I thought, maybe I'm making this up. And he did it again. He opened his eyes and

Kate Langbroek 45:58
ash saw

Speaker 1 45:59
and then he closed his eyes and

Kate Langbroek 46:04
he died safe. So you've had your three little ones taken from you. How do you how do you go home from that? How is going home? What is home?

Speaker 1 46:32
We spent the day and the night at the hospital, and we spent the night in a room which is a room which I was really looking forward it's a room where you stay with your baby, or your babies the night before you go home, so you can have a night to practice being on your own with your baby, because after your baby's been in the hospital for a long time, it's scary to take your baby home. You know, from suddenly going from other people caring for your sick baby. You caring for your very fragile baby?

Kate Langbroek 47:03
Yes.

Speaker 1 47:03
Anyway, I remember this room, and I thought to myself, I wanted to spend Christmas in that room, because by this stage, it was October. It was 16th of October that Jasper died, and I worked out his due date was on the 10th of December. And I was thinking, Oh, I wonder if we can spend Christmas in the room before we come out, or, you know, it's Christmas Eve, and got bring him home for Christmas. Anyway, they let us stay in that room with Jasper that night, and that was actually a very, very beautiful time that we had with him. But going home after that was very hard because ash had to go back to work. He was already back at work. Actually, he went back to work after Evan and Jasper were born, and he used to come into the hospital before work and after work, and then I would spend all day at the hospital. And so going home, once the you know, I was busy organizing Jasper's funeral. We'd had a funeral for Evan and Henry together, and then we'd had a funeral for Jasper. So I was busy organizing Jasper's funeral. And so that was good, because I had lot to do, and I wanted to give him a beautiful funeral. And then, and then it was as the weeks passed and I was on maternity leave and sitting at home in this in this house that was like, definitely quiet. And I remember, I remember we still had the buggy, the triplet buggy, sitting in the hallway, and we had a cot that we'd already set up in the spare room. We had two bedrooms. The spare room was going to be the baby's room, and we'd heard that you could put triplets in the same cot for the first few months. So we'd set up a cot, so there was a cot, and there was a buggy and and I used to do something which was really like weird sometimes when I was at home and it was quiet because it was just I used to actually pretend. It makes me sound really odd. I used to pretend sometimes I'd sit down on the sofa with a cup of tea, and I'd listen to the silence. And I actually would pretend that Henry Jasper and Evan had just fallen asleep in the cot next door, and I was finally going to get just a few moments of peace before they woke up.

Kate Langbroek 49:33
And that's why it was so quiet,

Speaker 1 49:36
and that's why it was so quiet, and, oh, a bit of silence. It was such a sort of mad thing. And then, and then I would realize, obviously, I knew I was just pretending. And then I'd kind of realized, you know, I think, that I was never going to know the exhaustion of looking after three babies. I was never going to hear three babies. Babies screaming for a feed. I was never going to know the challenges of I was never going to take them for a walk around the park and and that and and I knew that I couldn't keep pretending, and that I couldn't change what happened, what there was nothing in my power to change what had happened, but there was everything in my power to decide what to do next. And that was a turning point.

Kate Langbroek 50:31
And how did that turning point come?

Speaker 1 50:34
Well, Ash, I didn't know how ash and I would talk about them all the time. We talked about Ash was amazing. He held every day we spoke and every day forever ash, the last thing he would say to me at night was Henry, Jasper and Evan. He would always the last, the last thing he'd say to me before we went to sleep was he, he would speak their names, and so he was amazing and and he helped support me. Obviously, he was grieving, but he was an incredible support for me. And we were always talked about the fact that we were still Henry Jasper and Evan's parents, they had gone. But that didn't change the fact that we were here, and we were their parents, and we would always be their parents. And so I felt I had a job to do to ensure their lives mattered, and that's I wanted to find a way to make their lives to bring something good from them. And ash one day said, I've had an idea. What about let's run a half marathon and let's raise a bit of money for the hospital in memory of Henry, Jasper and Evan,

Kate Langbroek 51:54
because he was a runner, Ash was, but you weren't,

Speaker 1 51:57
not really. I'd run a little bit with ash. We'd done a couple of little events together, but I wasn't a, certainly wasn't a half marathon runner. And Ash was a good runner, but he hadn't done a half marathon either, but he liked to run. He used to run at lunchtime at work and stuff. And he said, Look, come on, there's a half marathon in a few months time. Let's do it. And then I found out that the hospital I'd realized, we had realized, when our boys were in hospital, that a lot of the equipment that was helping our boys was donated equipment, and we learned that the hospital relies on 70% of its equipment is from donations. And this was something I hadn't had, didn't have any idea about before, and so I knew also that the hospital was in need of more equipment, and also, I'd remembered the shortage of humidity cribs,

Kate Langbroek 52:48
yes,

Speaker 1 52:48
in the before the birth. And so I thought Great idea. A very basic humidicrib was $20,000 and they needed one. So I thought, well, that's great. Let's run the half marathon. Let's raise $20,000 let's, let's do this in memory of Henry Jessen, Evan and I thought, well, I need people to help me. I'm not. I can't do this on my own. I asked all my friends. Said, Please, can you come and run with us? And most of them had never run before, and they all said yes. And even though none of them what likes running or wanted to run, and then, and then I I made little flyer, and I put it. And at this stage, I remember ash getting a little worried, because I I had this new sense of purpose, and he wasn't worried about that, but he was worried I was going to be disappointed when I told him, I'm making a flyer. I'm going to print it. I'm going to put it in playgrounds and cafes around my around Randwick and where I where we live, and I'm going to ask people to come and join and he was worried that I was going to be terribly disappointed, because nobody was. This was before the days of like, social media and stuff. So I just literally put my phone number on there. So call me if you want to come and run this. I run this half marathon with me. And he said, So if no one's going to call, no one's going to call, and I'm worried that you're going to you know, you're going to crash, you're going to be really upset. And I said, No, I promise I won't. I just want to try. And so I put these flyers out. And the very first day I put the flyers out, my phone rang, and this woman called Hayley was on the phone, and she said, I've just picked up your flyer. She said, 10 years ago, I had twins that died at their birth prematurely. They were called Olivia and Maisie. And she said, it's their 10 year anniversary coming up, and I've always wanted to do something good in their name, and I never have, and I've just picked up your flyer. And would you mind if I came along and did it for Olivia, amazey, and I couldn't believe it, this was just, you know, incredible. I'm so sad to hear about Olivia and Maisie, but I was so happy to hear that she could also do it for her babies. And so then other people were ringing and saying, Oh. I have a child born prematurely. I know how lucky I am. I'd love to come and help. So you

Kate Langbroek 55:05
ended up raising $80,000 the first year. How much have you raised so far? Because I know you got, you got an OAM, is that an Order of Australia,

Speaker 1 55:19
Australia

Kate Langbroek 55:20
in 2021 how much? How much have you raised with you for premature

Speaker 1 55:26
not me, it's running for premature babies. So we called it running for premature babies. Lots of people came and ran with me, and they have now. We've been this is now 20 years later. We've now raised over $12 million dollars, and we've provided equipment to hospitals all over Australia, every state and territory, regional remote hospitals, through to hospitals in our major cities with big neonatal intensive care units, maternity units in the Northern Territory, in far You know, far from from major hospitals. We've also funded neonatal transfer services. We've donated three ambulances, neonatal ambulances, some equipment to take onto flights in the Northern Territory with Care Flight so that they can retrieve babies from very remote locations and bring them for neonatal intensive care. And it's estimated that over 20,000 babies have now benefited from running for premature babies. So so it seems that in the running

Kate Langbroek 56:30
that Ash had suggested, and in the finding of purpose outside motivated by but outside of your loss that you gained a new lease of life yourself, and as exemplified by the fact that you then became pregnant again,

Speaker 1 56:53
yes, so the first year around the first half marathon, I loved it, and we had shirts printed, and I put Henry Jasper and Evans handprints on the back, and I told everybody to remember that they, you know, that they can give you a push in the race. And it was just wonderful. Anyway, we ran that first race. That was fantastic. And then the second year, we did it all over again. But that then I was pregnant with Owen, so that was, yeah, we were that was just amazing. Owen, he was born two years after. Jasper died just under two years later, and, yeah, Owen brought this incredible joy into our lives.

Kate Langbroek 57:38
How was it leaving the hospital with Owen, yeah.

Speaker 1 57:45
Oh, it was just incredible. Well, having Owen and being allowed to hold my baby whenever I wanted, being allowed to feed my baby whenever I wanted, it was just so incredible. And it also I again, a slightly sort of, you know, maybe unusual thing, but I'd made a promise to myself after Jasper died, that I did not want to hold another baby until I held my own baby. So my next baby I was going to hold will be my own. So I didn't touch another baby. For two years, I managed to just avoid babies. Or if a baby was being handed around, I'd just say, Oh, I've got a cold. I won't thanks. And so holding Owen and being allowed to, you know, not being told to put him back and and, you know, being able to feel it was just incredible. But one, and I'd thought about that when I was pregnant, I thought about, Gosh, it's going to be incredible being allowed to hold my baby. But the thing I hadn't thought about was what it was going to feel like to walk out of the hospital doors with my baby, and it was, Oh, my God, we I remember the day that we left the hospital, you know, we collected him all up. They said, Okay, bye. I started walking down the corridor holding him, and I just kept thinking. I felt like I was stealing him. I felt like I was I felt like there was something Hang on. Can you put the baby there, please? And then we got outside, and we, obviously, they've got the little baby's capsule in the car, and I sat next to him in the car, so in the back seat, and ash was driving. And as we drove out, I hadn't even, you know, it was just just, I literally had tears pouring down my face, and I was they were tears of joy for this beautiful baby that we were taking home, and they were also tears of grief for the three little boys who never came home, and that was all wrapped up into one.

Kate Langbroek 1:00:00
Yeah,

Speaker 1 1:00:03
but, but Owen brought the greatest joy. He was a, he was an easy baby. And I just love you know that hearing him cry in the night was just amazing, and being able to feed him. Everyone told him I was

Kate Langbroek 1:00:21
gonna

Speaker 1 1:00:22
I was, you know, spoiling him, because I fed him on demand, and I carried him around with me. He was always with me. He was in a little sling, and I pretty much didn't put him down for six months.

Kate Langbroek 1:00:34
And Ash was equally besotted.

Speaker 1 1:00:36
He was besotted, absolutely besotted. He would, you know, rush home from work and say, Don't give him a bath until I'm home, don't I'm going to read him the story. I'm going to say he was literally reading him stories from day one. And, yeah, just, so, you know, just, just, we were both besotted. It was, it was a very wonderful time, actually,

Kate Langbroek 1:00:56
yes, a very sweet spot. And then you had Harvey.

Speaker 1 1:01:05
We had Harvey, yeah, Harvey two and a half years later, right? But it was, yeah, it was when Owen was six months that Ash was

Kate Langbroek 1:01:15
died,

Kate Langbroek 1:01:16
was

Speaker 1 1:01:16
actually diagnosed, yeah,

Kate Langbroek 1:01:18
that sweet spot was not allowed to linger longer. So ash started having headaches.

Speaker 1 1:01:29
Yeah, he started having bad headaches. He was very fit. He'd actually just run the half marathon in in a he'd done a PB of 99 minutes and so, and he was, what, 35

Kate Langbroek 1:01:46
and he loved the water.

Speaker 1 1:01:49
He was a good surfer. He was fit. He was, yeah, he was, he was fit and healthy young man, and he's just started having headaches and and eventually, you know, he got checked out and he was diagnosed with a seven centimeter grade four GBM brain tumor when Owen was six months old.

Kate Langbroek 1:02:15
How did you feel? Because you don't strike me as a why me person, but how many things happen to you before you say, Why me? Or

Kate Langbroek 1:02:29
whatever

Speaker 1 1:02:30
like I personally find why me very unhelpful. I don't think that that God or the universe is pointing at me and saying, here, you know, you there's a reason for this. I think you know, Adversity is part and part of parcel of being human everybody. You know, it's just, it's just life, and there's nothing you know, there's, I just don't find why me helpful? And I find, you know, sometimes, sometimes people have said to me, I always find this quite strange. What I have had people say to me, gosh, you must have done something really bad in a past life for this, for all these bad things to happen. And I'm just, like, not helpful. I don't find that helpful at all to think that I've somehow deserve it. I don't think that I've done something to deserve it, but I also don't think that, you know, it's just, it is what it is. And

Kate Langbroek 1:03:33
ash was of a similar resolve because he went, he was, in fact, operated on by Dr Charlie Teo, and it was successfully removed. The the tumor and ash was like, we've got this,

Kate Langbroek 1:03:51
yeah,

Kate Langbroek 1:03:51
even though he was initially given one, one year to live,

Speaker 1 1:03:55
that's right, yeah, he was, he was given after the operation, which was successful. But when we discovered what kind of cancer it was, we were told that with chemo and radiotherapy, we were looking at one year and and ash just he was really he helped me actually, to towards, you know, he was the one that kind of drove it when he was first diagnosed. He was so lovely when he was first diagnosed. When we got walked out of the doctor's office, the first thing he said to me was, so I'm so sorry that you're having that I'm putting you through this. So he immediately thought of me, which was just incredible, seeing as it was him that was losing his life. But he said, I never want to hear that, and that I'm never going to even think about that. We are. He said, I'm here. I'm going.

Kate Langbroek 1:05:00
To,

Speaker 1 1:05:00
I'm going to live. And I'm so glad that he did say to art to be, let's, you know, let's focus on living. Let's focus on today rather than worrying about tomorrow. And I'm so glad we did, because instead of one year, we got seven years,

Kate Langbroek 1:05:16
and you got Harvey

Speaker 1 1:05:17
and we got Harvey and and they were so you know, even Ash's treatment was not. He tolerated it fine. He had a whole year off work, and in that year, we had so much fun together with Owen as a six month old. You know, you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself when you've got a six year old, a six month dog crawling around and causing havoc. And we just, we were like a little unit, and we got on with stuff, and we had fun, and we focused on, on living, and ash felt well again. In fact, sometimes he'd say to me, oh, maybe that I'm sure, like, I feel like a real fraud. Like, have I really had brain cancer? I'm fine. And he, he was lucky that, you know, I mean, Charlie did an amazing job with his operation, and we had five years Harvey was born. When Harvey was born, we had to have IVF for Harvey, and because of Ash's treatment, and we wanted to get straight on and and get cracking with IVF, because even though ash said he was going to live at the back of my mind, I knew he had a diagnosis of a prognosis of a year, and I wanted him to be around when his child was born. But it took a while, and it took two years. Two years later, Harvey was born, and ash was in remission. Well, as much as remission, you can be in with that kind of cancer. But he was well and having six monthly scans, and Harvey was just, Oh, my goodness. Harvey was such an just. It was so wonderful. You know, he was a big, healthy, full term bouncing boy, and Owen was a doting Big Brother, and the four of us just lived life

Kate Langbroek 1:07:09
when you when it became apparent that the tumors had come back for the I think the third time, they were inoperable, and you had to tell your boys that they were going to lose their dad. How do you do that?

Speaker 1 1:07:32
So we never shielded the boys from from ashes decline and the um, over the last, I guess, two years before Ash passed, he had recurrent tumors, so he was going into hospital, having, you know, brain surgery, then he was having to have chemo, and so, but then he'd get well again, and so the boys, and also, of course, Owen, had been six months old when Ash was diagnosed. So Owen grew up with brain cancer, because ash said, right from the beginning, he said, I'm bringing