Coercive Control vs a Bad Relationship: How to Tell the Difference

Listen to this episode if…

• You keep asking yourself "is it me, or are they controlling?"

• The examples online always sound more extreme than what you're living

• You're walking on eggshells but second-guessing whether you're allowed to feel that way

• You've been told to "just set boundaries" but it only seems to make things worse

• You want to understand coercive control from both a psychological and a family-law angle

Legal Disclaimer & Family Violence Warning

This is general education – not legal advice or a psychological diagnosis. It discusses coercive control and abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14.

Episode Summary

"Is it me, or are they controlling?" That question ran under almost every message you sent in – so we turned it into a six-part series, and this is Part 1. Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer the one nearly everyone asked: is this really coercive control?

Krasi shares her three Ds (disrespect, disempowerment, distortion), explains why coercive control is a pattern and a function rather than a list of behaviours, and how good qualities like compromise and empathy get weaponised. Lyn explains how family law treats coercive control differently from the criminal courts.

00:00 – Is It Me, or Are They Controlling?

03:30 – What Best Illustrates Coercive Control? 

04:30 – The Restaurant Metaphor: Pattern, Not a Checklist

06:00 – The 3 Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion

07:30 – Psychology vs Family Law: Section 4AB

09:00 – Family Court vs Criminal Court: Different Tests

10:00 – When You Lose Sight of What's Reasonable 

12:00 – How Compromise & Empathy Get Weaponised

13:00 – When Your Ex Wasn't As "Extreme" as the Examples 

16:00 – Is Anger & Yelling Coercive Control? 

18:00 – Can It Exist Without Financial Control?

19:00 – Repeated Pressure & Monopolised Decisions (

22:00 – Stonewalling, Delay & Deflection 

25:30 – The PA Dynamic & Exploitation 

28:00 – Needy or Controlling? How to Tell the Difference

30:00 – Blame-Shifting, DARVO & Perspecticide

33:00 – Infidelity, Guilt & Trying to Leave 

39:00 – Silent Treatment as Punishment 

43:00 – Why He Does Less When You're Sick 

45:00 – Emotional Abuse vs Coercive Control

47:30 – Can the Main Breadwinner Be Controlled?

53:00 – Why Do They Do It? Can Survivors Heal? 

58:00 – The Anxious, Controlling Attachment Style & 

Have Your Say – Krasi's Conference Call-Out

📌 Have your say: Krasi is presenting on coercive control at the Australian National Psychology Conference. Share what you wish psychologists and therapists understood – anonymously, with optional audio. Link in the show notes. Entry form  https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

 Resources

The 3 Ds of Coercive Control – the deep-dive episode with Krasi.https://youtu.be/bRmLZBRs--o?si=YZ1951oDofDe_lw7

• 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

• Section 4AB, Family Law Act 1975 – definition of family violence

• Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist

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