Episode 539: Hilarious Letter to Sec of Agriculture read by J. Peter Grace Grace Commission

A letter to a farmer who inquiries about getting into the not raising hogs business.

http://www.campconstitution.net

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa,
received a check for $1,000 from the government for not
raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising
hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires
or Poland Chinas.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of
the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years
or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in
1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000
for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small
scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs
not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first
year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not
eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also
pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I
qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not
to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business,
so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I
will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.