422: She’s in Your Custody

What if you were given a human being and that human was in your ‘custody’ would you do everything in your power to take good care of her? In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy emphasizes that loving yourself isn’t a feeling but an approach and a job, built through repetitive, practical daily acts. The custody and care of you is up to you, don’t hand that job off. Have a listen and allow the profound message in this podcast really sink in.

Transcript:

 Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big Hi everyone. Welcome to the show Today. I saw something online this week. I saw something and I think it was kind of an old clip. It was something that Drew Barrymore shared. And , I wanna tell you about it and I wanna kind of talk about this. ’cause I’ve been thinking about it and it was like, weirdly not, she had somebody on the show that isn’t somebody that I’m almost embarrassed to say, I don’t even know who this guy is. I guess he’s an actor. I’m gonna say his name and then you’re gonna be like, how does Betsy not know that? But I don’t, , so I saw it and then I thought about it and then it was the kind of thing where I must have, it must have really. Hit something. ’cause I thought about it and woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it. Do you know what I mean? When you’re trying to put something in the appropriate bucket in your brain? So. I was scrolling and I came upon this clip that Drew Barrymoore shared from her show, and it was this guy named Matthew Hussy. . Hussy Hussy, I think. And he said. And I went back to watch the clip and I want, I’m gonna get it as close as I can. But what he said was, imagine that you got handed a human being at the beginning of your life and your one job, like the one job for the rest of your life is to take care of that human. And most of us don’t realize that that’s our job. So we finish being parented. And then we kind of walk out into the world looking for somebody else to show up for us. But the truth is, we are our human. The only person who is here to take care of me is me. And then he said she’s in my custody. The custody word, I think is the part that really stuck with me, you know? I have been thinking recently and , if you’ve been here for a while, you know, I was married for a long time and , decided to leave my marriage, I don’t know, maybe about five years ago. And then after a short period of time, six months or something like that, decided to come back, I had hope that maybe things could change or work out. And then after a couple years I realized that they weren’t, and I had the wisdom to leave. Fully. And one of the things that I have personally been grappling with, I guess you could say, is the idea that I don’t feel, and I bet many of you feel like this too, I don’t feel like any time in my life has there really been somebody that was. Looking out for me or taking care of me. There was, when I was young, when my mom died when I was 16, I think that shifted and I became hyper independent. I know so many of you are that same way. I know we are the same, but hyper independent, which I could go down a whole rabbit hole about why that is really appealing too. , People with different attachment styles really like hyper independence, but I always have been able to do everything on my own. I’ve always been able to, , pay my own bills and do my own thing and make my own decisions and all, all of these things. And I’ve been thinking recently. As I have been packing up a lot of my stuff, I’m gonna get ready to leave to move to the beach in August. So I still have a little bit of time here. , And there’s several really good reasons why I am delaying. I have a retreat that I wanna focus on and some other things I have to give 60 days notice at my apartment. And the timing just worked out really well to, to give it in July and to leave in Midaugust. So when I think about this, as I have been going through old papers and pictures and all of this stuff, I have really been thinking about , is there, is there ever, is there ever a moment where I’m going to meet someone who. I wanna say like wants to, wants, that’s, this is the ideal word, to take care of me. And I don’t think I’m, I know I’m not looking for somebody, I’m absolutely not looking for anybody right now. But I would like to be open to the idea that someday I would meet somebody who could really, truly meet me where I’m at. I’m no longer willing to. Bend or make accommodations for somebody, it has to be right. Okay. So I have been thinking this thought of like, is there gonna be somebody that could take care of me? And then I hear this, the only person who is here to take care of me is me. She is in my custody, and I wanna talk about what that word means because I’ve thought about it a lot. And what it means for women in the kind of decision that so many of you, I think are in, because if you have been following along on my Instagram or, or maybe just been here for a long time, like that decision of trying to figure out whether to stay or leave your marriage might be right, top of mind, right? And so that whole idea of. She is in my custody may land a little bit differently for you and I wanna walk through kind of the why. So, , here’s how I see this. Like the math kind of goes, like goes like this. If he would just see me, I would be okay if he would just do the work. I would be okay if the marriage would heal. Right then I could make this be okay. Or if he became the kind of man that I have been hoping he would become, then I could finally, ah, feel safe. I could finally like rest. Right, and I’m gonna guess that you’re a lot like me, but I don’t feel like I’ve ever really rested. I think when I was in high school, if I took a nap on the couch, somebody would be like, get productive. Do you know what I mean? Like I, is there ever gonna be a place where I can finally rest where my human, the one I’m supposed to be taken care of, would finally get taken care of? And I have been so good at that taking care of myself that even now when I say I wonder if there’s ever a time where I’m going to meet someone who would want, and this is such an important, who would want, this is the important part to take care of me. I don’t need to be taken care of, but I want somebody to want to. And underneath all that math of like, what I could be okay. I could, , I could rest, I could catch my breath underneath all that. I, don’t, I don’t even feel, and even when I look back on my own journey, I don’t feel like there is anger. It’s, maybe not even sadness, but it is exhaustion. It’s like, it feels like a kind of tired. Like where all your blood’s been drained outta your body, like in your bones. People say like bone, I’m bone tired. When you have been waiting for somebody to meet you or to come and pick you up, and they keep not coming or they keep saying, I’m coming, but they never do. And you just , keep adjusting. You keep telling yourself like, okay, maybe today, maybe he’ll hear me. Maybe this will be the time that they will finally understand maybe there’s like this one next conversation that’s gonna make all of this happen. Or a therapy they’re gonna decide to go to. I wanna say they, ’cause it could be a man, it could be a woman they will go to. Maybe it’s a new book. And the reason that you’re tired is not because the marriage is hard. I mean it, it’s likely really hard, but that is not why you’re tired. You’re tired because nobody has been minding you. Nobody’s been minding your shop. Not him, but not you either, because a long time ago. You handed that job over. So you know, when I heard Matthew Hussey say she’s in my custody, the word custody, it’s a legal word, right? It’s a very formal sounding word. It is the word that we use. I think when we’re talking about like deep responsibility. Right when we’re talking about whose responsibility a person actually is, like who’s on the hook? Like who’s gonna feed ’em and get ’em outta bed and keep them safe? And when I heard him say that, my brain went right to lawyers and courthouse. My former husband was an attorney. So like, I immediately was like, we think about. Custody arrangements or language that we use about children in divorce. And then I was kind of like, oh, I didn’t have children with my former husband that was an attorney. I had children with my other former husband because I’m very chic and I’ve had a couple. But that wording made me go, oh, I do have a human in my custody. I have her, like right here. I have me and she has been with me my whole life and I have been pretending that someone else was on the case, right? That someone else was gonna do this like that. If I could be paying attention to them, they would be paying attention to me. And I, I sat with that , for a long time because I was like, well, I don’t know. That feels nice. I would be paying attention to them and they would be paying attention to me. That feels really good to me. But the trick I think is knowing, and I thought about this for a long time and I thought about all the women that I work with, right? Women in this same exact place, maybe a place where you are. And I realized that this. Is what is sitting in the middle of every single clarity decision that I have ever sat with another woman in my program. Right? Is the, is it true that if I’m taking care of him and he’s taking care of me, everything will be okay? And that may be true, but the trick is to be partnered with someone who is doing the other side of that. Or to be able to take care of yourself first and give the overflow to someone else, and that feels a little bit more aligned when I start thinking about it and feeling through what is correct for me. What is correct for me? You decide what is correct for you because the truth is, and when I sit with so many women in this decision, is that they have done that side of it. The side of, I’m gonna take care of you, I’m gonna make sure you’re okay. And the house is okay, and the kids are okay, and the bills are paid and the lawnmower gets done, and the scheduling of the dentist appointments happen and the food is prepared and picked up from the grocery store and planned it. Like, I’m gonna do all of that. But then the other side is never happening. And if you’ve been waiting for him to take custody, maybe not consciously, maybe you would never use that word. I mean, that word stuck out to me, right? ’cause it’s not a word I would have used. But when you trace the thread of what it is that you’ve been hoping for, I think of that. Is actually what’s at the end of that rope, right at the end of that thread. And so if you have been hoping that if he changed you would be okay. You have been hoping that if the marriage got fixed, that your insides would settle down . You would have been hoping that if he just could see you finally the way you wanna be seen, that part of you that has been alone. For a really long time would not be alone anymore. And when I have been thinking about this over the last couple weeks, since I saw that last week or so, is that even if he became the absolute best possible version of himself, even if he did all the work, even if he showed up exactly the way that you have been asking. The job was still always yours. He cannot take custody. Even the best version of him can’t like custody is, yours. He can love you. He can show up, he can witness you, he can be a partner, but none of that is custody. Custody is the day-to-day work of keeping a human alive and well. And nobody can do that for you. Not because they don’t love you enough or love isn’t real or it’s fake or any of those things. Not because partnership is fake, but because that’s just how being a human being works. The job was assigned to you the day that you got here. And the part , that Matthew said that I lingered on. Also, and that I wanna talk about here is the part where I think kind of shift when we’re in pain. And he said, loving yourself is not a feeling. It’s an approach. It’s a job. So you don’t even have to like yourself today to love yourself. And I was like. You don’t have to like yourself today to love yourself today. And when you’re in a season of things, being really, really hard and loving yourself starts to depend on a feeling, then that’s where I think you’re like screwed. Because feelings change every day. They do not cooperate. I would love my feelings to cooperate. But they don’t always cooperate. And so then you’re in a season where you wake up and you don’t feel like the version of you that you used to be, and you wake up and you feel like you don’t like her, and you wake up and you feel like you don’t really recognize her anymore. Well, if loving her, if taking custody of her depends on you liking yourself first, then you’re never. Gonna choose her. You’re gonna wait for the day when you wake up and you feel confident. And that’s still , not how it works. I so wish that it was, I so wish that it was, I posted on Instagram yesterday about my process of cleaning out some bins that were in storage and going through the bins and finding these old pictures, I mean. Pictures from high school, pictures from college, not a lot of pictures from college, pictures from early in my twenties. A lot of those, and there was this version of me that was so hopeful that somebody would love her and pick up the pieces where somebody else had left off. And I think I waited in a lot of ways and I allowed. People that weren’t, well, first of all, they weren’t equipped for the job because that was me that was equipped for the job. But they, were waiting for somebody to take over, and I stepped in and did that, and that just depleted me even more. And so every morning when I woke up, of course I didn’t feel confident, of course, I didn’t feel like I liked me. I was exhausted and depleted. And that’s not. A flaw in me, in her, that version of me. It was just somebody that wanted to be loved. But that again, it’s an inside job and it’s a job you get to do, and it’s a job that requires you not to actually feel anything. I know that sounds weird, but you don’t have to feel like it. You know, we feed our kids even though we don’t feel like it. Right. There were so many days I wanted to be like ketchup packets for everybody, but people need to eat every damn day. I’m like, it’s never ending. You people always need to eat. We have custody. We do the thing that we need to do to take care of them, and you can still show up on a day where you don’t have faith in yourself. And I think that liking yourself. It shows up when you start showing her she’s important. It’s like a result of that job, not like a prerequisite for that job. And so when I was going through my storage bin and I was wondering like, when did this shift happen? I mean the grief I went through over those two weekends of going through those photos and yearbooks. You know, I, I think I, I was trying to figure out was there a moment, and I think it goes like this, right? You’re like a little girl. Your parents take care of you. You grow up, you learn what love looks like by watching them. , And then, you grow up a little more and then you leave home and then. That next chapter where you really step into your life and become an adult and a woman and , you, perhaps you partner. And in that partnering up, like in that marriage, somewhere in there, the job of taking care of you, transfers. And I think it’s baked into how we are culturally shaped. So it’s not something that. I think biologically now there’s maybe a piece of biological of taking care of somebody else, but not abandoning ourselves. It’s not a guidebook. Someone says, okay, so now here’s where you’re gonna abandon yourself. So you could have made the choice. It was just like baked into how we do things. So, you walk outta your parents’ house holding a human in your arms, and that human is yours. And the marriage is not the place where that human of yours gets handed off. The marriage is a place where you bring her with you, where she comes with you, ’cause she is yours. And I think what happens is a lot of times women, by the time they get to me, have been carrying around this, like, hope that someday somebody would notice the human in their arms and, and pick them up. You know that their husband or their partner or their wife, their career even like somebody, somebody finally take her so that they could rest. And that’s, I think, the part that makes clarity so freaking hard. It’s probably why we avoid it because we’re like, oh my God, , I allowed this, I, , and I. I am not taking him off the hook or her off the hook. Trust me, I’m, I’m just saying there is a point where we can stop and if we haven’t stopped it, then there’s something else. part of getting clear is realizing that the someone who is supposed to take care of her was never going to, if it wasn’t you. ’cause the job wasn’t his, the job wasn’t your partner’s, it was yours. Okay, so let’s just assume that we’re all on the same page here. The custody of you is you and you’ve gotta take care of her first, and then the overflow can go to everybody else. And that is not what we’re taught and that is not what we’re modeled. So now here you are with this job on your hands that you’re like, I don’t know how to do this really. , Sometimes I see these posts like on Instagram where it’s like self-care and it’s like someone getting a pedicure or whatever. No shame to that. I do that when I have a in, but it’s not just, , manicures and bubble baths. Like sometimes it has those things for sure. But that is not the work. The work is actually a whole lot more boring than that. The work is these little questions. You know, inside Instagram, when I do those talking reels, I always say, this is your North Star. That’s the work, like that’s the job. And I think it can start out with really small things like, did I feed her well today? Did I let her sleep last night? Did I move her body like even a little bit? Did I take her for a walk? Did I get sunlight and fresh air? Did I let her say the thing that she actually thinks today? Or did I make her jump around and perform? Did I keep her around? People who drained her? Did I tell her not to cry when she needed to? Did I let her say no to something like that’s, the work. That’s the job. It’s small, it’s boring. It’s very, very repetitive. I think it’s very much like taking care of a child that you love and most of taking care of a child that you love is not like the birthday parties and the special things at school. It’s the. 8,000 million peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or the laundry or the reading, the QuickBook at bedtime, right? It’s just showing up for them. And the job of being your own custodian I think is the same. It’s these small little acts of showing up for the human that’s in your custody. You know, last month I got my teeth cleaned. And I don’t know why our insurance doesn’t cover the bones in our teeth. Those teeth bones are different, but last year I spent probably about $7,000 on my teeth. I’ve mentioned this before. I had to get my teeth cleaned twice. I had to get some x-rays. I needed a crown. I had two cavities that needed to be replaced from my youth and I got Invisalign and then I had to get a retainer and all of that added up. Even as I say it, it was likely more than, it was a lot of money. It was a lot of money. It was, that was my investment in myself last year and when I went to get my teeth cleaned last month, they no longer had like the in-house. Insurance. It was like 350 bucks and that covered two of your cleanings and your x-rays and they didn’t have that. And so when I went to check out, I said, well, I wanna renew my insurance. And they said, oh, we don’t do that anymore. It’s 600 bucks. But they didn’t tell me before. And at first I was like annoyed. I’m still probably a little annoyed. I would have done it anyway. But to have known would have been nice. But the job of being my own custodian would have been the same. I take care of my teeth because that is what she requires, and it is boring and it’s annoying ’cause that costs more money than I wanted. No, pedicures are manicures for me this month. And so I wanna say, this. If you cannot answer yes to a lot of those questions that I just asked. Like, do you let her sleep? Do you let her rest? Do you bring her for a walk? Do you let her get sunlight? I, I want to, to say, if you cannot say yes to those, it’s not a sign that you’re a bad person. It’s just a sign that you need to take the job back. It’s like the moment of recognition that you wake up and you go, oh, that, that job has been mine. And there is the practical side of dentist appointments and mammograms, and there is the other side of the small daily repetitive, boring things that we have to do to take custody of ourselves. And when we do that and we show ourselves that she is valuable, that she is worthy of investment, that she’s worthy of taking care of, then I think it’s easier to start to put her first and give the overflow to everyone else and there will be enough overflow. That may be the question in the back of your mind. If you are such a good custodian, there will be overflow. And then everyone flourishes. Nobody is depleted. And so if you’re sitting in this question of like, do I stay or do I go right? , The question that’s in your head typically is gonna be something like, but he’s a good guy. Is he good? , Is he bad? He’s not bad. I’m like, does he love me? Uh, I don’t,, I don’t know. I is, did I do enough? Is he enough? Is he gonna change? Am I being fair? Am I being too harsh? Am I too hard on him? Maybe I want something more than I need, like maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe I should just be happy. He’s a good provider, right? I hear this all the time. So the conversation is about him. It’s always about him. So I wanna give you a different question. Take the question away from him. The question is, in the marriage that you currently have, is your human getting taken care of? Not by him, by you? Are you allowing yourself to be your own custodian inside this house? That’s the question. It’s not. Is he a good husband? It’s not. Is he trying? It’s not, does he love you? Those questions can come later, but the question in the room that you currently live in is, can you do the job that is yours? Can you feed her? Let her sleep in, take her out, get her some fresh air and a sunshine on her face. Let her cry. Can you keep her around? People who do not drain her now? In some marriages and I this last month, we’ve had several people come through the Navigate method that their marriage has really been renewed. It’s so awesome to see. And when they shifted to them, the answer was yes. The marriage is not the problem with custody. You can do your job and he can be his own person, and then you both function as humans next to each other in other marriages, the answer is no. When you start taking care of yourself, then you see that the answer is no, not because he’s a bad person, but because the structure of the marriage as it currently is, keeps you from taking care of yourself. So she can’t speak, she can’t rest. She can’t stay, no, she can’t be in the room as herself. And so it’s not necessarily that he’s a villain or you have to decide if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. It’s is the human that you have custody of safe in your custody. That’s the question. So the good news here, I think, is that the job that you have been given of being the custodian has always been doable. You can do it. You can do it even on days where you don’t feel like yourself, even on days where you’re exhausted, even on days where you just don’t feel like it. But you can wake up tomorrow and ask yourself the one question, which is, what would I do today if I was actually taking care of my human? And then do that one thing. And then the next day ask it again, and then the next day and the next day, until the woman that you have been waiting for somebody else to take care of, starts to recognize that she is finally home, that she has been picked up by you. And I think that is how you live a big life. Thanks so much for being here with me. I will see you all next week. i. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.