We have all been there. We’ve all had moments where stress seems to take over and we react in ways we regret later.
It might be raising your voice at a teacher or student. It might be overreacting during an argument with a loved one.
Later, we usually have regrets and we ask ourselves, “WHY DID I DO THAT?” This is often due to something called an amygdala hijack, a term coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.
We have stressful jobs. The stake...
We have all been there. We’ve all had moments where stress seems to take over and we react in ways we regret later.
It might be raising your voice at a teacher or student. It might be overreacting during an argument with a loved one.
Later, we usually have regrets and we ask ourselves, “WHY DID I DO THAT?” This is often due to something called an amygdala hijack, a term coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.
We have stressful jobs. The stakes are high. So many people are watching us and we are setting the example for what great leadership looks like. We cannot afford to let our amygdala hijack our brain and then just “hope for the best”.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to talk about How To Avoid "Amygdala Hijack" In High Stress Situations.
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Thanks for making a difference,
Mark Minkus
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
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I would love to be your coach and I have a few spots open. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a FREE GIFT. It is called The 7 Steps To Having A Successful Meeting With An Upset Parent. This guide is an 11 page pdf that gives you a step by step plan to have better meetings with the parents at your school. Every good coach has a game plan. Every good teacher has a lesson plan. Too many private school leaders don’t have a plan when they sit down to meet with an upset parent. Well, now you have a PLAN! You can grab this FREE GUIDE at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/meeting
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode105
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at mark.o.minkus@gmail.com Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the private school Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the private school leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So, we've all been there, • • • • and • • we have all had moments • • where stress seems to just take over, • • and we just react in ways that we regret later. • • • And you might be thinking of a situation right now, and it might be that you raised your voice at a teacher • • or at a student or a board member in a meeting. • • • It might be that you or I overreacted during a conversation, argument with someone that we care about. • • • And then later, we usually have regrets, and we're like, why did I do that? • • Well, • • • the answer is very often • • due to something called • • amygdala hijack. • • And that's a term coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his excellent book emotional intelligence. • • • And so we have stressful jobs as private school leaders. The stakes are high, • • and we can't afford to let our, uh, amygdalas hijack our brains and then just hope for the best and hope we can apologize later. • • • • And so on today's episode of the private school Leader podcast, we are going to talk about how to avoid amygdala hijack in high stress situations. • • •
I've created a free resource on improving teacher morale for you
And before we jump into that, I just want to tell you about a new and free resource that I've created for you. I'm pretty excited about it. It's called the seven secrets to improving teacher morale. • And I talk to a lot of leaders. Um, I coach a lot of leaders, and teacher morale is a big challenge at a lot of our schools. And • • I think you need a plan, and this is a plan for you, a step by step guide that you can grab it. It's free@theprivateschoolleader.com. morale. It's called the seven secrets to improving teacher morale. It's a starting point. It's going to be hard work, but it will work, and I hope that you will get that, and I hope that you, • um, will use it.
Seven secrets to improving teacher morale over theprivateschoolleader. com
And again, just a free gift saying, thank you for listening to the podcast seven secrets to improving teacher morale over@theprivateschooler.com • • morale. • • And then, • • you know, I just want to remind you that • • • I can help you, um, solve a problem. • • And it might be through thrive academy, the online course that you can find over@theprivateschoolleader.com thrive. • • And that course can m change the way that you lead. It can help you go from being in survival mode to thriving • • and to do that asynchronous work at a time that works for you. But also we have office hours where we have other leaders from all over • north, um, • America showing up, supporting each other, rooting each other on. • • And so theprivateschoolleader.com thrive is where you can find out more about that. And I can also help you • • solve your biggest problem at the school, or at least I can try to help you. I want to hear more about it. • • Um, I have one coaching spot open, • • and, um, that will probably be gone, um, soon, • • but I'd love for it to be you. So • • you can check more, check out more information about working with me one on one over at theprivateschool leader.com • • • • coaching. • • •
Four steps to avoid amygdala hijack in high stress situations
So let's talk amygdala hijack. And then I want to give you the four steps to avoiding amygdala hijack in high stress situations. • Let me hit you with those four. And then we'll define it, and then we'll get break down each one. So number one is pause. • Number two is embrace the space. • • Number three is respond, don't react. And number four is regulate your autonomic nervous system. So we're going to pause, embrace, respond, and regulate. • • •
Private school leaders often get their amygdala hijacked when faced with potential danger
So what is amygdala hijack? I know that a lot of you know what this is, • • but I think it's super important to pause and view this through the lens of what you deal with every single day as a private school leader. • • • And you know that the amygdala is part of your brain that's responsible for processing emotions, • • but especially those emotions that are related to fear • • and threats and survival. • • • And let's face it, our brains • • are really, really good at automatically trying to protect us from danger. • • • I remember one time I was on a senior retreat • and, um, a couple other teachers with me, one of them was, um, one of our, um, • • um, gym teachers. • And she's up there and we're on this high ropes course, • • • • • and, um, moving through the high ropes course, • • • and she went to take a step • • • and her brain • sent a message to her legs, and her legs turned into stone. • • Her legs couldn't have moved no matter what she did, because the brain was saying, there's no way you're stepping out on that telephone pole that's 40ft in the air. • • Our brains • • protect us from danger. • • And so the amygdala is your brain's alarm system. • • And if you're faced with a threat or a perceived threat, then we know the amygdala takes over, and it throws you right into fight or flight. And sometimes people call it fight, flight, or freeze. • • • Sometimes we freeze. • • • But • • your brain and your body is flooded with cortisol. • • • And there's some good things about fight or flight because, you know, your heart rate goes up and it pushes blood to the extremities. And I, um. Your vision actually narrows, and your body becomes this hyper, • • • um, • • optimized • • • • • • • • • vehicle, um, • • • for fleeing danger. • • • • • But the problem is • • • • that • we're not being chased by a bear when we're at our school, • • • • • • • and we just keep running, • • and the cortisol just keeps flowing, • • • • and we can't get away from the bear. • • • And so your brain • • gets hijacked by the amygdala • that is sensing danger • • • • but is looking around your office and doesn't really see the bear, doesn't see the lion. • • • • And, you know, this is something that, um, you know, happens a lot, • where we • • get our amygdala hijacked. And that works great if you're out in the woods and an animal's chasing you, but it's not so great • • • when you're at work, in a boardroom meeting, in a meeting in our office with a parent, or having a conflict at home with your partner or spouse, • • • • and an amygdala hijack your rational brain, the prefrontal cortex completely bypassed. We're acting on emotion and not reason when our brains are hijacked by the amygdala. And then we are impulsive and we yell or we say things that we don't mean, or we make decisions that are not in the best interest of ourselves or our school. • • And hopefully, it doesn't happen very often. But I'll tell you what. I'm, um, worried that it's happening more and more often to more and more private school leaders because we're under more and more stress, • • more and more demands. When you do the impossible, it becomes part of your job description, and I just wonder where all that cortisol is supposed to go. • • • • • • And so the good news is that if you follow these four steps, • • you can reduce the amount • • and the • intensity • • of amygdala. Ah. • • Hijack.
Step one is to pause when you're upset or stressed
So, let's get into it. Step one is pause. • • • • • • • So, this sounds simple, but in the heat of the moment, pausing is so hard to do because we want to just react. • • • • • But pausing gives your brain a chance to catch up • • • and maybe switch gears. • • • And then when you feel that stress rising. • • • And it could be. • • • • • It could be like a wave. You know, sometimes it feels like a wave of anger. • • • There's a lot to be angry about. You know, it might be righteous indignation. • • • • There's. It, uh, could be a wave of anxiety. • • • • • • • • There's, uh, a lot of things to worry about in our schools, • • but we need to take a moment to pause before you say anything or before you do anything. And I realize that's so easy to say and so hard to do, but the pause • • • is so important. • • • • And so the reason that the pause is so important • • • • • • • is because when we pause, • • • we can actually stop the amygdala from completely hijacking the way that we respond to a situation. • • • • • • And that pause can help us • • • shift from an emotional reaction to a more • • measured, • • rational, thoughtful • • response. • • • • You know, • • • • I was born in the late sixties. I grew up in the, you know, the seventies and the eighties. And • • • • • • I think that people my age, or maybe even a little younger than me, • • just your mom or your dad always just, you know, said, count to ten. You know, count to ten. • I have a twin sister and we were always • • fighting about something and, you know, count to ten. • • • Well, • • • • • • • • what was mom or dad? My mom or dad, your parent guardian. Your mom or dad, what were they trying to get you to do? They're trying to get you to pause. • • • And so what it does is that it creates a little bit of space. And we're going to talk about that space in just a moment, but it creates a space between the trigger and your next move, • • • • • between stimulus and response. And again, that's what we're going to talk about in step two. So just one last thing • • • • • • • • I mentioned when I was born, • • • I know all about VCR's, • • • I know all about the pause button, I know what be kind rewind means. • • • Um, but, you know, even on Netflix, on Amazon, whatever you're watching, • • • there's a pause button. • • • • • And, you know, it might be there's a knock at the door or the dogs are barking or the kids need something or whatever. You're watching a movie and you just pause it, right? • • • Everyone knows what pause is on the movie. • • • • • But why don't we ever try to reach for that pause button in life? • • • Well, I think it's because • • • • when we're typically sitting on a couch in our comfortable clothes watching a movie, we're nothing. You know, having our body completely flooded with cortisol, • • that makes our judgment poor. • • • But again, if you can think about just the pause button • • when you're hit with something that's super stressful, • • just pause. • • • And just a quick example or two of that is a teacher comes at you and they're all fired up and they present you a problem and they want an answer, and they want it now. You know, that could be a parent or a teacher. • • • And again, • • to pause. • • And instead of just reacting and giving an answer right then or making a promise or • • saying something that you'll later regret, • • • • • • how about we say, you know what? I need to think about that, and I'll get back to you with an answer by the end of the day. • • • • • Sometimes that's hard, isn't it? • • Because we're known for solving problems. We're known for our efficiency. We're known for being quick with our solving of problems. We talked about that on last week's episode. • • • • • But I feel strongly, and I know you do, too, it's just a matter of whether we can actually do it, is that we should never • • respond • • • and make that promise when we're • upset. • • • • And I hope that you all agree with this next statement. And is that is never • immediately respond to an email or a text when you are upset. I • when you're in that moment, when you're just • • angry, you're upset. There are so many things that can trigger us in our jobs. There are so many times that a teacher can be frustrating. It's like, I, uh, told you seven times, and now you're still doing the thing, or the student, or especially the parent. And it's like, seriously? • • I did this. I did that. I did 17 things for this parent, and now they're still ungrateful, unhappy, and complaining about this thing. Now, it's so easy to fire off that response, and we almost always regret it. So we need to pause. • • •
Viktor Frankl says between stimulus and response, there is a space
All right, number two step number two is embrace the space. • • There's a famous quote by Viktor Frankl. It's one of my favorite quotes. • He's a Holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist. He's the author of the book man's Search for meaning. • He was a. • • • He was a prisoner at the • • terrible, um, • • Auschwitz concentration camp. • • • And Viktor Frankl, in his book, man's search for meaning, said, • • • between stimulus and response, there is a space. • And in that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom. • • • • • • • Now, m, I want you to think about • • • a mandev that's in a concentration camp, • • • • • and the Nazis are controlling • everything in his life. They killed his family. • • • • They were starving him. • They were putting him through • • extreme conditions as far as temperature • • • and frostbite • and • hard labor, • • • • • and the way that he survived • • • • • the Holocaust. • • • • • • • He sums up by saying, between stimulus and response, there is a space. • • In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The ability to choose equals freedom. • • • • • And so what we're striving for here today with this amygdala hijack is • • a little bit of choice, a little bit of control in the midst of that • • • • • emotional, um, • • • • wave after wave that is trying to control our behavior. And so • • we want to embrace the space. • • • So we talked about pausing, • • • and now we're embracing the space. And • • • • • • that space that Viktor Frankl refers to is just what allows us to act with intention • • rather than a reflex. • • • • • We can act with intention instead of with a, uh, reflex. • • And so once you've paused, • • you can now embrace the space • • and reflect, even if it's just for a second, what is actually happening here? How am I feeling? What is the best way to respond? And I know that that space might be a second, it might be a second and a half. • • • • But if we can pause and we can embrace that space, and we can embrace the power • • that is in that space, • • it's our power • • to choose our response. That's what Viktor Frankl said. In that space is our power to choose our response. I think that amygdala hijack usually takes our power away. • • • • We got to get that power back. How do we get the power to choose? • • • It's the pause, and then it's embracing the space. And in that space, you're not a victim of your emotions. Your emotions are not in control. They're no longer driving the bus. • You want your emotions to be a passenger on the bus, but you want to be the one with the steering wheel in your hands, in your control, • • • and that cortisol that's flooding your body, it takes away our clarity. • • • And we need clarity before we respond. In our jobs as private school leaders, don't we? • • We need clarity. • • • • Just remember that ability to choose equals freedom. • And so, again, a quick example is a parent says something that offends you. I've had that happen. You've had that happen. • And instead of reacting instantly, • • • • we just take that pause, and we embrace that space. • • And in the span of a few seconds, we just say to ourselves, is this really worth getting upset over? • • • • • Consider the source, because that parent's going to say something to offend you two weeks from now, right? • • • • • • • • What outcome do I want from this interaction? What is best for this person's child? That's the big one that works for me, is that when I want to react when I want to say something, • I think about that person's kid. • • • That kid didn't choose their parents. • • • • And sometimes, • • • • I mean, we've got some really tough parents, right? Some. That 5%, I'll try to remember. I'll link that, um, episode, the 5% of parents that are trying to destroy your school. I'll link that in the show notes at the private school leader.com episode 106. • • • The five percenters, they're really tough when it comes to Amygdala. Hijack. • • • What works for me is I think about their kid. They didn't choose the parent. They didn't choose a parent that acts that way. • • • Sometimes. The school is the best thing that ever happened to that kid. • And so sometimes thinking about what's best for the child will help us • • to embrace the space. • • • Okay, • • • step three • • on our list of four strategies • • to, uh, four steps to • • • not, um, • • give in to amygdala. Hijack. Step three is respond, • • don't react.
Step three is respond, don't react. Think about the difference between responding and reacting
So, once we've paused • and embraced the space, now it's time to choose our response. So I want you to think about the word react. So, again, this step three is respond, don't react. But let's think about the word react for a moment. • • A reaction. Some of the synonyms, it's automatic. It's a reflex. • • • It implies emotional. You know, when you're at the doctor for your annual physical, you know, I don't know about you, but he still does. The little hammer on my knee, and my knee goes flying up in there. • • A, uh, reflex, • you know, we're not in control of that. It just happens. But when something is automatic, when something. When we react, how often do we regret it later? When we respond, how often do we regret it later? I'm going to tell you in my life, when I react, regrets, a lot of them. When I respond, regrets, very few. • • • • So we're thinking about the difference between responding and reacting. And so that word respond • implies that it's thoughtful and intentional. It's something that we're, you know, that we're thinking about, that we're working through. • • • • Respond, • don't react. • • And when you respond, • you've taken the time to assess the situation and maybe even consider some options. And again, • viewing this through the lens of a private school leader, we have so many things coming at us, so many different directions, • • high stakes, stressful job, • • a lot of balls in the air, a lot of things on our plate, however you want to describe it. And then these things come at us. • • We're already stressed out. • • • • • Do we respond or do we react? • • • • • • • • I don't know about you, but I react, • • • • • but I'm trying to respond more often. • • • • • • • • Just. And then, you know, when we respond, we're not at the mercy our amygdala. • • And I want, uh, the one thing, and I put this in caps in my notes. I just want everyone to get this. We cannot respond to emotion with emotion. • • Okay, I'm going to say that again. • • • Think about this, especially as it relates to meeting with parents, sometimes meeting with teachers. • • • • • We cannot respond to emotion with emotion. • • • Now, I know that you try to respond to an emotional parent with logic and reason. They don't always want to hear it, but if we match their emotion, it's not going to be a good conversation. We can't respond to emotion with emotion. • • • • • • So by responding, instead of reacting, we can try to have a little bit of control over the situation and a little bit of control over our emotions.
Step three is to regulate your autonomic nervous system during stress
And then that brings us to step four, which is to regulate your autonomic nervous system. • • • • • • • • So when we're in a high stress situation, I've already talked about how • • amygdala hijack. It's really your autonomic nervous system kicking into high gear, triggering that fight or flight response. Your heart rate goes up, your breathing becomes more shallow. • • Stress, um, • • hormone cortisol, flows through your body. • The blood flows to your extremities so that you can run faster. • • • • • But if we're regulating our autonomic nervous system, we're basically telling our brain, I'm not in danger, so we can relax. • • • • • • • •
