Power Struggles in Marriage: Your Styles May Be the Problem

Do you ever fight about who does what in marriage? Or, how decisions are made? Who has the most say, or power, or who can make the final call on some decisions? Most of the time these disagreements come down to the model of marriage we hold to: and when that’s different than the model our spouse holds, conflict is inevitable.   Power structure is a topic that is fundamental to marriage. Rarely though, do we actually sit down to discuss our model of marriage when we’re dating or engaged or newly married. So, let’s look at the three models of marriage, how they impact marital satisfaction and then what we do and recommend. Power Structures in Marriage Christian authors have come to various interpretations on the Bible’s teachings about how men and women should relate with one another in marriage. Many of these interpretations center around the issue of gender roles and what the Bible means when it speaks of headship and submission. At the end of the day, it really comes down to power. Various models have been created to explain how husbands and wives should function together in the areas of decision making, work, and leadership (which, when we’re distressed as a couple is usually not about leadership but about the much less noble but more pragmatic issue: power). Here’s a run down of three models of marriage. View #1: Authoritarianism Husbands hold unlimited authority and leadership. Wives are expected to respond with unqualified submission. As leaders and heads of the house, husbands have unlimited say in all decision and wives are not permitted to question the husband’s leadership in any situation.[i] What we see happening in these marriages is that the wife gains power and influence in other ways: withholding sex, using Scriptures to manipulate, guilting her husband, etc. However, there are authoritarian marriages where both spouses buy into the model and both are very happy. It is easy to get judgmental of this kind of marriage, but if it’s working for two people and she has chosen this model as much as he has, who are we to take it away from them or say it’s wrong? View #2: Complementarianism Upholds the equality of men and women, while simultaneously recognizing the different roles, strengths, and weaknesses each gender brings to the marriage. Men hold headship in the marriage while upholding their call to love their wives. Women act as helpers, while upholding their call to submit to their husbands. (Helpers is the word from the author, we do not endorse that word) Decisions are made jointly, except in rare causes of impasse when final decision making is given to the husband.[ii] View #3: Egalitarianism Men and women not only live as equals, but any hierarchy or headship in the marriage is erased. Distinctions in gender differences are downplayed or removed completely in favor of recognizing our oneness in Christ and joint calling to do His work. All decisions are made together.[iii] In each of these models, roles are an issue, as is the degree to which we acknowledge or bypass gender issues. Decision making and power are also critical. Beliefs vs. Practice An interesting study was completed using data from the 1996 Religious Identity and Influence Survey to “examine the relationship between religious identity, gender ideology, and marital decision making.” The results of this study showed that: Conservative Protestants profess a traditional gender-role ideology that the husband is the head of the family and the leader in making decisions, BUT the actual decision making strategies they practice are similar to other religious groups who profess more liberal ideologies. Theologically liberal Protestants profess a more egalitarian ideology in terms of decision making BUT the actual decision making strategies they practice are not significantly more egalitarian than conservative Protestants. When it comes to male headship (the idea that hu...