A Root and Branch Examination

The time has come for a Root and Branch Examination.

A Root and Branch examination of what, exactly?

Australian Cricket. No Ball Rulings. Australian Rugby League. The Australian Olympic Team.  Australian Rules Football. Professor Drizzle’s Drought Thesis. The discovery of the Fifth Force - a new kind of subatomic particle believed to be the missing piece in our understanding of dark matter. Tina Turner’s pay packet. Sun Yang’s hammer time doping debacle. 

This only scratches the surface. The list is exhaustive. It’s time, Australia. Root and Branch. 

She moves in mysterious ways. Maybe it’s because Bono’s in town, but his lyrics speak a certain truth. Just ask Israel Folau, where Bono’s ‘She’ is God, and her ‘mysterious ways’ include widespread bushfires as punishment for living in sin. However, if bushfires are payback from a vengeful God, surely it’s over the sordid Sandpapergate, right? Bono was right, mysterious ways indeed.

The Rugby League World Order has been turned on its head. New Zealand *scoff* has usurped the Kangaroos to claim the World Number 1 spot, a cruel blow coming shortly after Tonga towelled up the Aussies. And what about those Kumuls! Great Britain were an embarrassment, offering nothing in the face of a brutal onslaught from The Kumuls. Watch out, world. Rugby League’s foundations are being shaken violently -- and filmed illegally.

Sticking with Rugby League, was it wise to keep the chequebook locked up and not pay Tina Turner a cool million to bring back Simply The Best? The world’s greatest campaign, sure, but those are big bickies. Thinking outside the box, which Australian Star is up to the task of lipsyncing the game’s iconic anthem? Shortlist: Jessica Mauboy, Angie from the Bachelorette. 

Sun Yang’s swimming career hangs in the balance and could be determined by a Chinese tradie who was allegedly moonlighting as a drug test observer. What’s the big deal? Are tradie’s not honourable people capable of witnessing a drug test? Could explain why a hammer was used to break the vials of Sun Yang’s blood, tools of the trade. 

It’s NIMBYism gone crazy. The Supercars is the best thing to happen to Newcastle since the Johns brothers, but try telling that to NERG, whose complaint is that the cars race dangerously close to houses. C’mon, who doesn’t want broken bits of supercars landing in the yard? A spark plug in the roses, a ceramic disc break in the azaleas, a camshaft nestled in the variegated elm. NIMBYS.

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All of that and plenty more on Just Short of a Length with Roy and HG!