How Narcissistic Parents Create Battle of the Sexes.

Narcissistic parents cannot love their children because they do not love themselves. Children of narcissist will see this lack of love as an indication that they are unlovable. They will scapegoat flaws and differences as cause not realizing that the true cause is the lack of love. Extreme shame specifically around sexuality begins to make one feel inadequate as their specific gender. In “Trauma and it’s effect on Sexual identity” I discuss how the sexual self is not able to develop due to insufficient relationship blueprint and mirroring of healthy sexuality. Partners in adulthood are going to most usually trigger this shamed sexuality and underdeveloped sexual self creating a distortion that all men if your a woman or all woman if your a man are evil, bad, the enemy you name it. This creates an impossible double bind where the individual is attracted to the opposite sex but also abhored by the shame their partner makes them feel. Because communication of the cause never happens (this would take rigorous self reflection and healing of sexual identity) frustration, hate and anger is projected on to the sexuality of their partner or of the opposite sex in general. For narcissistic abusers, sex becomes a conquest. No vulnerability. Just a winner and a lose with the winner taking control. Sex becomes a proxy for dominance which is a way of protecting from inner sexual shame, body shame, performance shame etc. It all comes back to shame and the underdeveloped self. This makes one feel small, humiliated, worthless and never good enough for the opposite sex leading to the hate and rage towards them. Parents who don’t reflect and mirror back to the child a sexual self will cause this damage which will wreak havoc on adult intimate lives. To solve, one must heal one’s perceptions of sex, one’s sexual identity, and woman/ men. Heal the self and resolve the shame around this subject and learn to live one’s diffences, perceived flaws and sexual difference without self destructing and shaming oneself.