Defensiveness KILLS relationships, not overnight but slowly. Painfully.
Like emotional water damage, you donât notice until the floor caves in.Â
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In this episode, relationship coach Jula (hi! thatâs me) breaks down:
â¶ Why your avoidant partner gets defensive-especially when all you want is closeness
â¶ How anxious attachment can unknowingly trigger the "Four Horsemen"
â¶ Gottmanâs game-changing research on communication patterns that predict a breakup
â¶ What defensiveness sounds like in everyday convos + texts
â¶ How to respond in a way that softens walls, not raises them
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If youâve ever said:
â âWhy do they always twist things?â
â âI just want to talk but it turns into a fightâŠâ
â âI feel like Iâm the only one tryingâŠâ
This episode is for YOU.Â
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PLUS...youâll also get a quick WEEKLY ACTION PLAN at the end...because awareness without action keeps you stuck. Letâs create real shifts
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships
01:27 When I was stuck in the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle
02:32 What Is Defensiveness in Relationships?
04:05 Real Life Examples of Defensiveness in Avoidant-Anxious Relationships
04:58 The 4 Horsemen of Relationship Doom đđ„
05:25 đ 01 Why Criticism Feels Like Protection (But Isnât)
05:46 đ 02 Defensiveness - The Avoidantâs Shield đĄïž
06:14 đ 03 Contempt The Silent Relationship Killer
06:39 đ 04 Stonewalling - When Overwhelm Shuts Us Down
07:19 the ONLY thing you can CONTROL
08:38 The SOLUTION That Changes Everything âšđȘ
10:20 How to Start Differently - Gottmanâs SOFT STARTUP Magic
11:55 My personal TWIST on GOTTMAN'S FORMULA
12:50 The REFRAME in your words that changed the energy
14:31 Being Vulnerable so they can be too
15:25 Long-term Tool: How to RAISE your vibration in your Relationship
16:34 5 Step Weekly Action Plan: Break the CriticismâDefensiveness Loop
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OFFERS:Â
đ€đ± ON SALE: "Stop Obsessing Over Texts in 21 Days or Less" â
https://www.the-marriage-coach.com/textanxiety
(It's packed with tools to calm your anxious brain &
Finally stop spiralling after every âseenâ or emoji reply)
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đ€ How to Stop OVERTHINKING Your Relationship in 4 Steps (With Your Avoidant Partner)
https://www.the-marriage-coach.com/overthinkingcourse
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FREE:
đ€ FREE Attachment LIBRARY:
https://linktr.ee/the.anxious.to.secure.coach
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â„ïž YOUTUBE:
How to use CHATGPT as THERAPIST for healing your ANXIOUS attachment
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-g4bJH_Kb1g&t=3273s&list=PLkaamihHgLaFKGx4eLHBUzKube_Xd7So2&index=2&t=47s
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DISCLAIMER: I'm not a therapist or doctor. This content is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It's not intended to diagnose, treat, or heal any mental health conditions. This is not meant for situations involving abusive relationships of any kind. Always seek professional advice for personal health concerns.
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Remember: Change in your relationship starts with YOU, thought by thought and action by action.