Why is women’s anger so taboo? What causes our deep discomfort with expressions of anger, and why do we continually repress it regardless of the physical and mental health consequences? Is there a way that anger could be our friend? How do we recognize it, and how do we keep from turning into an “ugly, crazy, rage monster” if we dare to let it out? And what would happen if we decided to find our own fierceness and use it on our own behalf?
In this episode, I discuss:
The difference between anger, rage, hate, ...
Why is women’s anger so taboo? What causes our deep discomfort with expressions of anger, and why do we continually repress it regardless of the physical and mental health consequences? Is there a way that anger could be our friend? How do we recognize it, and how do we keep from turning into an “ugly, crazy, rage monster” if we dare to let it out? And what would happen if we decided to find our own fierceness and use it on our own behalf?
In this episode, I discuss:
- The difference between anger, rage, hate, passion, and fierceness.
- How women’s passionate expressions can be interpreted as anger.
- How our culturally acceptable female response is passive acceptance.
- How the “cool girl” trope sells us out.
- The societal stereotype that angry = crazy.
- Our internalized belief that anger makes us unattractive and how that sources our power externally.
- How anger belongs to men and all other expressions of emotion belong to women.
- Workplace consequences of women expressing anger, and the double bind of appearing cold and inauthentic when women keep their emotions controlled.
- How studies show that a majority of white men both do not feel penalized for expressing anger and also feel comfortable expressing anger in the workplace.
- How women are expected to show sadness, not anger, and how that keeps them from being motivated towards change.
- Our expectations of soft language, accessibility, support, and availability from women in the workplace.
- The root of many of the issues discussed on this podcast is women’s inability to tolerate the discomfort or dislike of others.
- How common Intimate Partner Violence is and how the issues of anger, fawning, and violence against women are intertwined.
- What happens when women learn the skills to not be afraid of physical or sexual assault, and why this is a necessary part of true agency.
- The cultural and racial components of our perception of the expression of anger in women (and children) and how this keeps us in tired, oppressive, stereotypes.
- Our cultural interpretations of what anger means and is trying to convey, and how passionate discourse can be used as a bid for connection.
- Where is anger useful, and how can we come to terms with our own anger?
- The health consequences of repressing anger, particularly in “women’s illnesses.”
- How reframing anger as fierceness allows us the freedom to express our anger on our own behalf.
- The common female cycle of repression, rage, and shame, and how it damages us and needs to stop.
- How sourcing our own power requires us to learn independence and competence in areas we may not enjoy or know well.
- The actionable steps that arise from admitting and recognizing our anger, and understanding the emotion that preceded it.
- The takeaway: A titrated practice of speaking up for yourself.
Links discussed in this episode:
Intimate Partner Violence Statistics and National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
APA: Anger Across the Gender Divide
And what makes ordinary women angry day-to-day? In 1993, Thomas conducted the Women's Anger Study, a large-scale investigation involving 535 women between the ages of 25 and 66. The study revealed three common roots to women's anger: powerlessness, injustice and the irresponsibility of other people.
Women are angrier than men – they just hide it better.
Some have suggested that these gender differences are rooted in underlying differences in brain biology. One study, by Ruben and Raquel Gur, a husband and wife team at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, found that while the amygdala is a similar size in men and women, a second region, called the orbital frontal cortex, which is involved in controlling aggressive impulses, is much larger in women. They suggested this could help explain why women seem to be better at keeping the lid on explosive outbursts.
Workplace Anger Costs Women Irrespective of Race
Findings revealed that men and women were both viewed as more competent when expressing anger relative to sadness, and this pattern did not differ across employee race. However, despite anger being associated with greater competence, women who violated stereotypes (i.e., expressed anger) were accorded lower status than stereotype-inconsistent (sad) men. Furthermore, exploratory analyses revealed that this pattern was consistent regardless of target and participant race.
How women and minorities are claiming their right to rage
In schools, for example, girls are expected to exert greater self-control, to be more polite, and not to use strong or obscene language. All of these also limit the expression and display of anger. Educators and psychologists studying these dynamics note that in girls, assertiveness, aggression and anger are often conflated so that girls who defend themselves, hold strong opinions and are competitive and verbally self-assured are frequently pegged by adults as rude, belligerent, confrontational and uncooperative. However, in boys, the same behaviours are often seen as signs of leadership, confidence and creative disruption.
Social and biased regulation of emotional expression also results in black and minority ethnic children being held to different and higher standards of behaviour. Black students are seen by adults as less innocent and in need of patience or care. Starting in pre-school, black boys are three times as likely to be disciplined as white boys. Black girls, however, held to both racial and gender expectations, are six times more likely than white girls to be suspended or expelled.
Shout-outs:
Radical Radio
Neurogan
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