😔Part Of This Journey Is Understanding, Closure📝.

 

I made that phone call.

Another call for help to my birth mother. The need for help, assistance getting into a home because this property will need to be sold. I am still attempting to make a HUGE FEAT solo and it's getting to feel impossible.

Even YOU listening... you couldn't get into another home or mortgage or take over, without him co-signing and helping YOU. It's the same thing, I am doing, asking for help, but from someone who should care enough to help me after 3 years of myself, getting nowhere but stressed. But you make me feel bad for asking my own parents? Sorry, I meant, birth mother. Yet, your parents helped raise all of your children. However, I am downgraded and insulted for asking for mere help, assistance. Yes, it's behavior that is nothing but like a double-edge sword. Calling the kettle black, even at this point.

If it wasn't for a close friend and cousin guiding me, to understand. I deserve to be cared about, because I matter. If it was not for them. I would not had made that call, because the easy way to had helped me was 3 years ago. A mere signature on a grant form from next of kin, from an organization that helps those going solo as a first time home buyer.

My pre-qual budget is not proving promising, in order to find me a home. I have been going in circles, without the help from blood or my birth parents for over 3 years and counting. In one hand, I have a pre-qual that honestly would need "per realtor," around another $50,000 to secure a good home. The reason, because the market where I need to be, where my providers are located is not cheap. 

With the constant pain, getting to be OFF-THE-CHART and evolving to SHARP-PAIN down the same leg as the tumor. My time to move is narrow at best and so was the hopes of you actually starting to show any remote of care or concern about someone who is sick and deserved the best. Well... that again was left on deaf ears and once again, not even caring enough to listening to me talk. That is, when your not putting the phone down. You can hear when someone puts the phone down. The same move, and bizarre way to let me know after many years of doing the same thing to me... when it involved, serious matters...

"YOU are not WORTHY of my time to even care to listen."

That is what putting the phone down and not listening, says to me. It makes adult children choose unhealthy relations, when they lack simple care or concern from their own. Mind you, this came from a trauma therapist. It's a pattern that has taken me years to understand. I feel more so now, than ever before of one of my prior neighbors named, Brenda. The woman who myself and a prior relation befriended. When others considered her different and mean only because she was withdrawn from society. She got hurt. She was hurt from her own family. She unnecessarily struggled, suffered and felt like nothing, but a mere burden. All from her very own. All because she was sick and her health was declining. She was, a mere burden in their eyes. Yet, she soooooo deserved SO-MUCH-FAR-BETTER!!!!!!.

I would never take my own life, because of my own family. Her doing so, still haunts me. What I learned from Brenda was wisdom and so much more... how to be sick with still demanding respect and dignity. Demanding so, from your family.

Anyone, who keep stressing, that family should help family....

You can't make people care, when they do not. All you can do is keep reaching out to others and remember how you were treated. To not treat others, in turn, who are sick. The way you were treated.

I refuse to be on hospice and help by a death dollula where I currently reside, because it is not even within their reach. Or even within reach of my own providers. Not even the same hospital network. Facts. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable. Everyone deserves to feel loved. Those needs are basic human needs, that should easily be given by the people, who should had loved you unconditionally the most. No if, ands, buts or rhyme or reason, about it.

No one, who loves someone, let's their very own struggle. Especially when loved ones, make sure to protect that from happening... before they leave this earth.

Today, I just realized, to you.

I am not worthy of love by you or being cared for, by you or any concern from you... but only through your eyes. My lifetime of illness, was your let down and burden. I couldn't be the rich, success story, that you so-longed for me to be. I could not even bare the grandchildren, that for most... is easily attainable. I was not the baby boy, as once hoped. I was born instead... just me. All of me and my broken pieces of failing health that started young. As a baby. I am glad, you were able to find all the above and even more. From those who provided, what you needed. What I could never, ever be.

Understanding patterns, behavior and not-so-smart decisions in my lifetime, isn't so hard to figure out now at an older age. When you finally understand, that sometimes you had no choice in the matter. Because the very people, who should been by your side to help lift you up... were never to be found.

I have no clue or idea how to maneuver, through this current part of my journey. Your response of needing help, was to just ask another guy. Go ask Eric. Where you ask, is Eric? Scrambling to find any guy, because you aren't worthy of help, from the very people who should always be lifting you up... is a damning thing to figure out at an older age. By saying those words, every time someone needs help. Can lead to placing a vulnerable time in one's life... into the wrong hands. Women and young ladies, then find themselves in unhealthy relationships, abuse, violence, rape and abandonment.

Time and time and time again.

By grace and many decades of experience... trials and tribulations. I will, get there one way, shape or form.

I may die feeling unwanted, unworthy and unloved by you and others. However, I will never allow myself another phone call, asking for help.

I deserve better.

I deserved, the best.

💔😶‍🌫️🗣🗣🫷😔

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 I almost forgot the drawing of the unknown woman who came to me. I'm still uncertain of her identity. However sometimes that is just the way they want it to remain or be... Anonymously.

Free Yourself...My Journey

freeyourselfmyjourney@yahoo.com