Healing From Emotional Abuse: Love Is Blind Season 2: Signs of A Toxic Relationship: Narcissistic Partner

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Intro:

 

Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to take years either. The lives of millions of other survivors around the worlds have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.

This episode of Healing From Emotional Abuse is brought to you by the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy.  Have you ever wondered why you keep falling for the same type of person? Wondering when it’s going to be your turn to have control of your life? Now is the time! The Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy: The 3 Keys to Overcoming Narcissism is an easy to follow program where I show you how to Release your trauma in a safe and healthy way, build Resilience - confidence, self-esteem, self love, and self-worth, and then rebuild your environment. Surround yourself with healthy people and energy.  Your life is yours, and the decisions you make should reflect the people in your life who deserve to be there.  People who treat you with kindness and respect.  Who value you and show you that you are worthy of love everyday.  Friends who love and support you, and are positive and inspirational.  And a partner who encourages you to achieve your goals and think bigger than you’ve ever thought before.

Following my three-step system will change your life. I fell into the cycle of abuse, dating narcissist after narcissist, each one of them taking a piece of me with them. And I struggled to know who I was or who I could trust for a long time. But I learned all the right steps to take, and want to help everyone else who is struggling like I did to do the same. I don’t want to lose any more survivors to suicide, addiction, or self-harm. There’s help out there.

So, I’m offering my book, the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy: The 3 Keys to Overcoming Narcissism for free. Scan the QR code in the show notes to get your free copy of my bestselling book, filled with exercises and activities to help you overcome your trauma. In addition to my book, I’m also offering a free coaching session where we’ll put together a healing plan specifically for you.  Make an appointment with me at ScheduleACallWithMarissa.com. That’s Schedule a Cal with Marissa . com. It’s time to take your life back and live with confidence, freedom and peace.

Love is blind  season 2

 

Hello and welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse with me, Marissa F. Cohen.  I’m really excited to chat about our topic today because it’s a thorn in my side. Last week, I made a post on my personal facebook page about the show love is blind, and how after the second episode, Shayne’s behavior was so incredibly emotionally abusive that I couldn’t handle it. The post received a lot of attention and feedback from other people who have watched it, and it was pretty split between people in support and opposed to my personal interpretations and perceptions of the various quote characters. Then, after finishing the season, I made a second post.  In it, I wrote: 

 

So, back to #loveisblind.  First of all, none of these relationships were healthy.  Actually, in my presentations about toxic relationships for colleges and high schools, these couples covered ALL of my red flags -- thanks for making my job easier Netflix.  Examples of Red Flags and Toxic Behavior ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.  Mallory, Shake, Jarrette, Shayne, Danielle (don't get me started on her...), Deepti, Shaina, all of them. The only semi-healthy people were Nick and Sal.  

 

Second of all, my opinion of Shayne is unchanged.  He is a manipulative, gaslighting fool, who is a perfect example of a narcissist. He took every situation that Natalie addressed issues with and immediately turned them on her. No accountability, no fault of his own. Always her and something she did.

 

I can break down all the couples (or at least what we see of them) and identify all the toxic nonsense that is glamorized on this ridiculous show, but I won't bore you with that. 

What do you think?

 

What I didn’t expect was people actually wanting me to break down the people and relationships, and an overwhelming number of people asked. So, here we are. 

 

Have you watched Love Is Blind Season 2? If you have, and you’ve experienced an abusive relationship, there is a chance that you felt triggered or uneasy with a lot of the content throughout the episodes.  If you have not seen love is blind, just letting you know, spoiler alert. I’m not holding back, because this season gave me a big, unrelenting headache. 

 

I want to start from the beginning with you.  Just a heads up, I’m not a huge fan of reality dating shows for a few reasons.  1 they edit them to create narratives that might not have actually existed.  2. There are a team of producers behind the scenes negging and causing drama to make for quote good television. And 3. I just don’t really enjoy them.  They’re not my personal taste.  

 

But I have to say, this season made my job of speaking at high schools and colleges about healthy and unhealthy relationships really easy.  Want to see an unhealthy relationship? Want to see 6? Turn on Love is Blind.  It’s awful.

 

So, where to begin? I guess the low hanging fruit here is Shania.  Shaina is a manipulative, gross character who uses people to get what she wants.  She’s selfish, self involved, and after they leave the pods and have the mixer on the beach, she manipulates and gaslights Shayne, which is a nice change of pace, because he spent the first several episodes manipulating and gaslighting Natalie.  So healthy. Shaina was like a fly buzzing around your house. She would disappear and reappear when it was convenient. Personally, I think they kept her in to try and neg people and start drama, but nobody cared about her so they dropped her. Thank god, because any more airtime of her and I would have driven into the city and slapped her myself. She's a trainwreck. but when they cut her from the show and stopped giving her airtime, that was probably the first and only decision that was made that I agreed with.  She was truly a narcissist. Here are the list of narcissistic traits and tendencies that she exhibited in her short time on the show that therapists use to diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder:

Deceitful - when she said yes to Kyle while knowing full-well that she wasn’t going to go through with it.  And using her religion as a crutch to continuously pick fights, to eventually end the engagement. 

 

Controlling and Manipulative - when she tried to manipulate Shayne into leaving Natalie. In pretty much every in-person conversation with Kyle.  At the beach with everyone she interacted with.  In the house with her family.  In pretty much any and all on-screen situations where she opened her mouth. In the pods when she knew that Shayne was going to propose to Natalie and she had already said yes to Kyle.

 

Jealous - Jealous of Natalie for getting engaged to Shayne. Jealous of their relationship and trying to sabotage it on the beach. 

 

Self Absorbed - Evident in pretty much all of her behavior. 

 

Egocentric - In her feeling of superiority to the other girls, especially Natalie. 

 

But I’ve spent enough time talking about her… more time than she deserves. So let’s move on.

 

Since we’re on the topic of narcissists and emotional abuse, let’s talk Shayne. Shayne has had an interesting presence on social media, meaning that he has been slammed from all corners of the country, identifying his narcissistic and manipulative behavior.  There were entire posts identifying all the emotional abuse spewing from his mouth, and validating people who were triggered by his words and his behavior. 

 

It all started in the pods. In the first episode, Shayne went into the pod and was expecting a date with Shaina, even said she was who he was hoping for. But instead, it was Natalie.  When he started off the conversation asking what she was wearing, and Natalie got offended, recognizing that the comment was meant for someone else, she vocalized her concerns. Point Natalie, for healthy communication. Shayne immediately backtracked and turned the blame onto Natalie, telling her that if she thought he was a dick, that’s weird and blamed her.  He then proceeded to use the fact that she’s talking to other people as well as a reason that he is faultless for hurting her feelings.  She didn’t say a word yet, and he was already telling her that it’s not his fault her feelings got hurt. Then, when she tried to explain that she felt led on, he cut her off and minimized what she was feeling, rationalized and justified his behavior, and shut her down every time she tried to foster some form of conversation.  It was difficult to watch without throwing the remote at the wall.  

 

And this wasn’t the last time he gaslit her, or manipulated her. The night before their wedding, they had a huge fight he told her that he hated her and she was the worst thing that ever happened to him.  At the alter, she said no because she couldn’t get past what he had said. Then, after they left the ceremony, you see them talking outside an entryway.  She was trying to address what he had said, and first, he acknowledged that he meant what he said.  Then, when she asked for clarification, he backtracked and tried to manipulate her and the conversation.  He called her crazy, and twisted the situation to make it look like she misunderstood. He refused to give a straight answer, and instead, became extremely emotional, and played victim.  Bottom line, he’s an awful person.  I could do an entire episode analyzing his behavior and explaining how he is emotionally abusive. But truly, he’s not worth the energy.

 

Let’s play the same game that we played with Shaina.  How many criteria does Shayne fit using the qualities therapists use to identify Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

 

Hostile and Defensive — when addressed about issues.

Blames Others — also known as gaslighting. Misdirecting the situation so the other person is always at fault. 

Deceitful, Controlling and Manipulative — anytime he feels trapped or blamed. 

Sensitive, Self Absorbed, egocentric, emotionally unstable and overly emotional — prone to emotional meltdowns when he feels trapped or blamed, eccentric behavior, attention deficiency.  

 

With all of that in mind, the only three criteria for narcissistic personality disorder that we missed, and I truly believe it’s because we don’t get the full picture in reality tv, are relationship problems, isolating himself — not having a social circle or many friends of his own, and being suspicious and distrustful of others.  But I’d be willing to bet that if we saw everything the cameras caught, these three characteristics would be in there. 

That being said, I can comfortably say, with confidence that Shayne is a Narcissist and can be classified as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder…

 

On the other side of the spectrum is Danielle. Precious Danielle. Talk about a person who needs some serious self love and also therapy.  I’m hopeful that she’s not really as unhinged in real life, and that the producers just saw her as an easy target and messed with her.

 

As far as actual narcissists go, I personally feel that Shayne and Shaina are the only two truly toxic people deep in their souls. But that doesn’t mean that all the other relationships weren’t also toxic. So let’s dive into the couples. 

 

Starting with Shaina and Kyle. Kyle didn’t have a chance from the beginning.  The producers were clearly trying to recreate the Jess/Mark situation from season one. Shaina, who presents as a very vain person from the beginning, reluctantly said yes to Kyles proposal, then after meeting him, didn’t give him a chance. She blew him off in Mexico, refused to try and then proceeds to pursue Shayne, even though he has a fiancee.  She mistreated Kyle, ignored him, refused to communicate with him in any way, and didn’t take him seriously.  The poor guy tried. He even went as far as to offer giving Christianity a chance in an effort to support her, which is spiritual abuse.  But her mind was made up from the beginning.  She used him as a way to have the opportunity to interact with Shayne.  And to be honest, I personally wish they ended up together.  Let those two out narcissist each other.  

 

Next, let’s evaluate Sal and Mallory.  This one was a doooooozy.  There’s a lot of controversy around this couple, especially in my house.  Please, comment and resolve a disagreement for me.  My husband and I cannot agree.  If Sal didn’t say No first, do you think Mallory would have said Yes? 

 

Anyways, Mallory made it abundantly clear that she was not physically attracted to Sal.  And Sal, beautiful, sweet, romantic man.  Mallory continued to not communicate in any way, undermined and minimized every grand romantic gesture he did, from singing and playing the ukulele, to planning nice dinners, all of which she stated she wanted, and she refused to even give him credit.  Her response to everything was, “that’s cute” or “you’re cute.” No thank you, no reciprocated actions.  Even if you don’t love someone, or you’re not attracted to them, you treat them with respect.  Show some gratitude for a person who is doing nice things for you.  At the very basis of every healthy relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, you have to show respect and gratitude.  And communication is key.  Sal was understanding, patient, kind, supportive, loving and respectful. He gave her her space, but also recognized that she wanted to be wooed. But she never really acknowledged the effort he put in. 

 

If something doesn’t feel right, or is making you unhappy or uncomfortable, communicate it.  That’s the only way issues are resolved.  But her lack of communication and respect towards him is the main reason why that relationship was toxic.  It seemed like every episode, Sal was trying to make Mallory happy, and every episode, she was still unhappy with him, but wouldn’t contribute to the relationship at all.  He may as well have been dating a car.  At least a car tells you when there’s a problem…

 

Deepti and Shake are next on my list.  First of all, Shake from the get go was a superficial jerk. Asking the women if he would be able to lift them… I don't know, how much do you squat bro? What an embarrassing way to present yourself to people. Let’s go onto a show that’s all about emotional connection and lead with questions about what size clothing the women wear?  Seriously? I’m not gonna lie, at first, I pitied the person who ended up with him.  What surprised me was, even though he was a self-indulgent, non communicative, toxic person, I found myself feeling bad for him for a minute.  There was a short period of time, and by short I mean maybe two episodes, where Deepti became very codependent, and was uncomfortably clingy. I still didn’t like him, but I didn’t like her more. Their relationship made me feel uneasy because it was clear that her heart was in it, and it was clear that his wasn’t.  He continuously told everyone around him that he wasn’t physically attracted to her, but wouldn’t be honest that he wasn’t interested to her.  He continued to lie directly to her about how he felt and his intentions. And even though he knew he wasn’t going to say yes, and we knew he wasn’t going to say yes, he continued to lead her on.  When she said no, which I was very VERY proud of her for, he tried to pull off a sad look, but his eyes were beyond relieved.  If you’re that unhappy that being left at the alter feels like blessing, you’re probably not in the right relationship.

 

Iyana an Jarrette were probably the healthiest of all the relationships, however, communication was an issue, and maturity was a big issue. He is a partier, and she isn’t.  And when that was bought to his attention, he dismissed her and it was never brought up again.  At least not on camera.  And her relationship to him felt more like watching a school girls crush on the teacher.  It was creepy how almost obsessed she was with him.  It was starting to border on codependence, and that’s toxic. I believe they loved each other, even though it was apparent that Iyanna was not his first choice, which boggled my mind that she rationalized it and still said yes.  Then, you could tell she felt incredibly threatened, and overcompensated by clinging to him, which pushed him away more. But when they finally got their bearings, which I imagine happened off camera, they seemed a little better.  In my opinion, I thought he was going to say no. It just seemed like he was half in it, waiting for the moment he could call it off, like Shake. But to my surprise, they both said yes.  And if it’s working for them, and they’re forcing each other to grow, while supporting each other and communicating in a healthy way, then more power to them.  I wish them the best.  But if those qualifiers aren’t being met, it’s not a healthy relationship.

 

Now, it’s a toss up. Which relationship was actually more toxic? Shayne and Natalie, or Danielle and Nick?  In my opinion, Shayne was way more toxic than Danielle, so let’s dissect Danielle and Nick next. 

 

Danielle and Nick looked like they were going to be the Lauren and Cameron of Season 2, but alas, they threw a curveball at us. Nick was supportive, respectful, communicative and kind.  He tried to level with Danielle when she was having her panic attacks, and tried to support her through it. Danielle showed jealousy, emotional instability, distrust and suspicion, and emotional outbursts. I feel confident suggesting that she has low self-esteem, although anyone with eyes and ears could see that coming from about 30 miles away. Danielle’s jealousy after the beach mixer, simply because other women were there was unexpected.  And it just got worse from there.  Every time there was an interaction that wasn’t 100% perfect, she would spiral, and pick a fight.  I don’t know if that’s a coping mechanism she picked up to push people away as a means of self-preservation, or if that’s just a response from someone who is extremely insecure and projecting that onto him.  Either way, toxic. Her consistently picking fights as a means of holding his attention, and also as a horrible way to communicate is extremely unhealthy. That relationship is unbalanced and unequal.  If she doesn’t seek out resources like confidence coaching or therapy, I hypothesize they will not last long. Both parties need to be healthy and capable of communicating in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

Relationships aren’t easy.  They are difficult and they require work.  People are three dimensional and have emotional and physical needs.  If those needs aren’t being met, then the relationship is unbalanced. 

 

And finally, the moment I’m sure we’ve all been waiting for.  Here are 300 ways Shayne and Natalie are toxic.  Just kidding… Aside from what has already been mentioned, the same way Nick and Danielle were unbalanced, Shayne and Natalie were, too.  It’s true, they had some good times, and for a minute in the middle of the season, it started to look promising.  Natalie was supportive and loving, respectful and … you guessed it, communicative.  Whenever there was an issue, she took a moment, and addressed it.  The problem was, every time there was an issue, Shayne immediately took the defensive, played the victim, and gaslit Natalie.  There was never a moment where there was healthy and honest communication back and forth.  One side healthy, the other side toxic. 

 

Bottom line, All of this could have been avoided if they had just … wait for it… communicated with each other.  The very basis of this show is communication, and every single couple failed at it. It’s really disappointing, because we glamorize these horrendous and toxic relationships, and paint it as love.  This is the opposite of healthy love and it needs to be addressed. These couples and these interactions and behaviors are the opposite of what to look for in relationships.  And the problem is, we as people absorb so much of what we expect in relationships from movies and television.  My hope is that everyone who watched this, saw these red flags and thought, “Oof, that’s not good.” But I doubt it, because the same people watch the show YOU and romanticize Dan’s stalking as flattering. 

 

The keys to a healthy relationship are support, respect, communication and honesty/trust.  If you’re in a relationship and any of these pieces are missing, I urge you to acknowledge, possibly try to fix it, or leave. Any relationship missing any one of these key elements is not healthy.  If you don’t feel supported, respected, validated and safe, then you’re not in the right relationship.  I’m sorry for being so blunt, but if we’re going to glorify unhealthy relationships on TV and learn to expect that we’re going to be treated that way, then my goal is to be louder and more straight forward.  Everyone deserves healthy and fulfilling love.  So set your standards and don’t let anyone make you question yourself. 

Thank you so much for tuning in and listening to the Healing From Emotional Abuse Podcast, today. Before you go, it’s important that you know that what you’re feeling is normal.  Everyone responds differently to trauma, narcissism, and abuse.  Our brains go into survival mode to protect us from harm.  But I want to make sure you know, you’re not alone.  I’m here, and I want to brainstorm ways that I can help ease your healing journey.  Imagine you’re standing on a cliff.  And on the other side of a deep canyon is the life that you dream of.  A partner who connects with you, supports and empowers you, and makes you laugh and smile. A life filled with freedom, confidence and peace.  I have been where you are now.  Standing on the edge, dreaming of that life.  And I’ve built the bridge between where you are now, and that dream that seems so far away.  Let me walk you across the bridge, and literally hand you the life of your dreams.  It’s possible. I’ve walked this path with thousands of survivors, who live free, confident and peaceful lives. Let’s walk this path together.  Don’t waste anymore time feeling lonely, worthless or exhausted. Schedule a call with me today at scheduleacallwithmarissa.com.

If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

 

 

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