Overcoming Skill Issues: Are You Being Nice Or Kind?

In this episode, hosts Em and Craig explore the important distinction between being "nice" versus being "kind" in workplace and personal interactions, examining how these approaches impact relationships and communication effectiveness.

Key Discussion Points:

• Defining Nice vs. Kind: Em describes "nice" as bland, safer, and more palatable but potentially insincere, while "kind" involves honesty and authenticity that may sometimes be uncomfortable but ultimately serves others better.

• Toxic Positivity: The hosts discuss how workplace cultures that prioritize "nice" communication can evolve into toxic positivity, where difficult but necessary conversations get shut down because they aren't "nice," even when honesty would be the kindest approach.

• David Yeager's Matrix: Em shares insights from Yeager's book "10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People," which presents a matrix of leadership styles based on levels of support and standards:

  • High standards + High support = Mentorship (ideal)
  • High standards + Low support = Enforcer (potential bullying)
  • Low standards + High support = Protector (undermines growth)
  • Low standards + Low support = Apathetic (disengaged)

• Radical Candor/Honesty: Craig introduces the concept of "radical candor" as a communication approach that values honest feedback delivered with care. Em notes she practices this herself, establishing early in relationships that she'll be direct, which serves as a filter for compatibility.

• Feedback Role-Play: The hosts demonstrate effective feedback techniques through a role-play scenario where Em (as manager) addresses Craig's work attendance issues while maintaining psychological safety, showing curiosity rather than judgment, and focusing on objective observations.

• Building Psychological Safety: The conversation emphasizes how kindness creates psychological safety for difficult conversations, while "niceness" can mask festering problems that eventually surface in more damaging ways.

• Practice Makes Perfect: Em stresses the importance of practicing difficult conversations before high-stakes moments, suggesting people write down and rehearse boundary-setting phrases to build confidence.

Key Takeaways:

• True kindness involves holding high standards while providing high support
• Psychological safety is essential for honest feedback
• Practice difficult conversations in low-stakes environments
• Leaders should model accountability by acknowledging their own mistakes
• The "nicest" approach isn't always the kindest one