Ep 9 The Guilt with No Pleasure_ Removing The Weight of Caregiver Guilt

Welcome to today’s episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. This is part two of our 5-part series called, The Invisible Journey: The Emotional Landscape of Caregiving. As I explained yesterday, I call it the invisible journey, not because you don't experience it, but because many of us don't realize we are on this journey. We simply chose to take care of our loved one and this compassionate choice set us on an unforeseen, arduous journey fraught with untold challenges. The other reason I call it the invisible journey is because almost no one who is outside this journey acknowledges our journey, nor do they realize how difficult it is for us.
Hi, my name is Reginald Reglus, and I am glad you are here today. I am a fellow caregiver. And as I say on almost every episode, I have been gladly serving my mom for about 10 years after she was diagnosed with dementia. As usual, let me remind you that I say that to impress upon you that I personally understand the challenges of caregiving. However, before we go any further, it is important to note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any challenge that you are facing. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action.
Today, we’ll be exploring one of the most pervasive and insidious emotions caregivers experience: guilt. It’s a five-letter word that weighs more than a bag of gabbro rocks slung over your shoulder. I said gabbro rocks because they are among the heaviest rocks on earth, due to their density. Guilt is that voice whispering, You should have done more. You should be better. You’re not enough. It’s relentless, unforgiving and sits its dense body on you. It has the bad habit of showing up when you skip a visit, when you take a moment for yourself, or even when you do everything you possibly can but still feel it isn’t enough.
For me, guilt would creep up at the oddest moments. It could be when I am working to help mom or those moments when I had a rare, quiet minute to myself. I’d sit down to work on my business, trying to bathe in the joy of making progress in my own life, only to feel an immediate pang of remorse. I’d ask myself, Shouldn’t I be doing something more for my mom or couldn’t I have completed that task better. This pattern became so ingrained that even my moments of rest felt haunted by the ghost of guilt.
So, what can we do with this guilt? First, we need to recognize that it’s not a signal that we’re failing; it’s a sign that we care. The very presence of guilt speaks to the deep love and commitment we have for the ones we care for. But guilt, if left unchecked, can become like a blinding fog that clouds your ability to see your own worth and the profound goodness of the sacrifice you are making.
The next step is learning to challenge the negative self-talk that fuels guilt. Replace the I should have done more with I did the best I could at that moment. I use this phrase all the time, even in the midst of taking care of mom. I say to myself, I am doing my very best right now. It helps me tremendously. Understand that perfection is an illusion, especially in caregiving. Your best is enough, even if it doesn’t look like someone else’s version of best.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s episode, humor helps a lot. I heard this story about a caregiver who was caring for their mom with early stage dementia. One afternoon when, in a flurry of multi-tasking, they forgot to restock the fridge with their Mom’s favorite snack. Well mom pointed it out with an expression that could rival an Oscar-winning performance, and the caregiver felt that sting of guilt again. But instead of letting it fester, she joked, Looks like even superheroes forget the crackers sometimes. They both laughed, and for a moment, the guilt lost its grip.
Don’t underestimate the power of sharing your feelings, either. Talking to fellow caregivers who understand the nuances of this invisible journey can be a lifeline. You’d be surprised at how many people carry the same feelings of inadequacy. Sharing can lighten that burden and remind you that you’re not alone in this experience.
Lastly, practice self-compassion. Yes, it sounds cliché, but it’s essential. Self-compassion is that internal voice that whispers back, It’s okay. You’re doing your best. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in the same situation. You wouldn’t berate them for forgetting a small detail or taking a break, would you? So why do that to yourself.
Remember, guilt may never vanish entirely, and that’s okay. It’s part of caring so deeply. But what matters is recognizing it, understanding that it doesn’t define you, and finding ways to release its hold. Today, remind yourself: You are enough. And the fact that you’re even listening to this episode is proof of your commitment and love.
Thank you for being with me today. Next time, we’ll delve into the loneliness of caregiving and how we can work to break down the isolation that often comes with this path. Until then, be gentle with yourself. You’re doing a remarkable job. Oh, if this podcast is helping you, please continue to listen and please share it with others. It really helps us to continue sharing this information.

 

As a listener to this podcast you are invited to get a free copy of my new book called "Get Risen".