The Power of Embracing Discomfort with Jessica Ateman, LMFT

Jessica Ateman in her own words: Lady. Wife. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Art Therapist. LatinX. Marathon Runner. But who am I really? Those are labels that others have used to describe me or to describe accomplishments at various points in my life. I am a human, seeking to grow and help others grow. I am a nomad at heart. I love experiencing - good and bad - very much the existentialist. I believe the only person you are racing to the finish line is the person you were yesterday and I live by that.

On a more professional note: I am currently working in IBH part time in California and I am also running a private practice part time. I have spent the majority of my career in pediatric behavioral health, but have spent the last two years focused on family and couples treatment from the Gottman Perspective sprinkled with the Fair Play method. Having worked in community mental health throughout my career, I believe cultural competence and trauma informed care are essential. I also believe that the therapy world is evolving and am very much looking forward to its continued evolution.

Jess is an unapologetic powerhouse, a forward-facing, direct-speaking, no bullshite, first generation LatinX woman who also happens to be a great marriage and family therapist.

In this episode we discuss:

• creativity as self-care
• how comfort can actually cause anxiety and depression
• how discomfort can be an evolution factor to foster our own growth
• The Comfort Crisis and the Misogi Challenge
• the discomfort of not doing things well and not being a natural
• Jessica’s professional shift to seeing mental health as a holistic treatment that includes biological factors
• ice baths to reduce anxiety and depression
• the search to find the right place to live, and to settle down
• the importance of place and natural setting, and the grounding of returning to nature
• the repercussions of technology on youth; Jess recommends the book iGen 
• the feedback loop of information from social media and the effects on development
• feeling like an impostor in your own culture due to the mixed messages of social media
• Anthony Bourdain on the displacement of Chicanos in American society
• the pressures of being a first generation citizen from a family of immigrants
• the dynamics of living in a mixed-race family in our current political atmosphere
• raising children with radical honesty regarding race and culture
• the importance of having the hard conversations, particularly regarding race
• how saying “I don’t see color” is actually saying you don’t believe the different lived reality of people of color and not acknowledging the truth of their lived experience
• how Americans lack a sense of place and how the “I don’t see color” attitude connotes a lack of understanding of an individual’s place of roots, family, and origin
• the “rape-colored skin” article and how people become ‘white-presenting’
• how representation in popular culture is a key piece of opening discussions around race and culture, particularly with children
• how being a part of the generation breaking the legacy of intergenerational trauma requires constant learning and evolving attitudes and understanding
• the habits of thought, attitudes, and assumptions about reality that are passed down through generations without conscious knowledge
• the year of fearlessness and living without shame
• the therapist as healer and the modern version of the bruja
• The Gift of Fear - how women are taught not to trust their own intuition
• the internal compass of safety and how to treat it as a reliable source of information
• the consequences of denying experiences and emotions and how we do this to our kids
• giving the grace of unconditional positive regard to the people we love
• the way that we unconsciously give our children conditional love without even realizing it
• the ripple effect of learning how to feel a change in development in ourselves and how to resource that feel
• the monkey mind and circling back to the enlightenment of discomfort
• giving yourself the gift of being seen by stating your needs and following through
• the importance of comparing yourself not to others but to who you were yesterday
• The Power of Now - mindfulness and presence as a route to knowing your own needs
• the internalized cultural constructs of what it means to be a woman and the importance of challenging those ideas through practice
• The Gottman Institute framework of couple’s therapy and the freedom of moving from conflict resolution to conflict management
• the Fair Play method of division of labor and why it’s so freaking useful to get support from your partner
• the minimum standard of care - what it means and how to negotiate it
• the resilience factor of humor and why it’s so important to relationship longevity
• the mental load of everyday life and the metaphor of holding boxes and the 13th rabbit aka trigger stacking (Warwick Schiller ) (Equusoma ) (Dr.Dan Siegel )
• the power of ritualization and how to metabolize difficult emotions
• how to harness the lowest-hanging fruits of wellness: diet, sleep, magnesium, mindfulness (Huberman Lab )
• the beauty of the 1% increase (Atomic Habits ) and one small step at a time
• the power of small, consistent, actionable steps
• Attached , Come As You Are , 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work , Fair Play
• Dr. David Schnarch and differentiation (again)
• meeting as a couple versus meeting as individuals
• meeting clients and ourselves where we are and moving forward one step at a time

Shout-outs:

Neurogan 

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