Pre‑Flight Chaos
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Jay kicks things off by rapid‑firing clichés—saucy Italians, hairy Greeks, and (uh‑oh) drunk Irish folk—only to sigh when the last one immediately materializes in real life.
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The culprit? An unnamed U.S. cargo pilot in Dublin who blew a breathalyzer high score at 5 a.m. on 17 Sept 2024. Irish Aviation Authority yanked him off the flight, tattled to the FAA, and—poof—his license is now a coaster.
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Jay’s verdict: “Look, driving drunk is dumb, but piloting a jet hammered? That’s the boss‑level stupid.” Angel agrees, recalling her failed teenage attempt to ride a bicycle after a few beers (“felt like a unicycle made of regret”).
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Chris riffs on Victorian penny‑farthing bicycles—“You need a ladder just to crash properly!”—while everyone pictures a tipsy pilot wobbling down the runway on one of those.
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Moral: If the cockpit door has a minibar, you’re on the wrong airline. Also, the IAA promises more surprise breath tests, so buckle up, sober up, and keep your stereotypes in the overhead bin.
Colorado Says “You Shall Not Pass… on Gender‑Affirming Care”
The Colorado Capitol rolled out two sparkly new bills this week:
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HB 2513‑09 – Basically tells health insurers, “Stop gatekeeping, Karen,” and yanks testosterone off the state’s “We’re Watching You” prescription list.
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HB 2513‑12, a.k.a. the Kelly Loving Act – Expands protections everywhere from kindergarten cubbies to courtroom custody fights. Misgender your ex in front of the judge? That’s now “coercive control,” buddy. Also, schools have to respect chosen names, so Little Timmy can finally be called “Star‑Destroyer X” on the roll sheet.
Pronouns, Schmronouns
Jay and Chris launch into a caffeine‑fueled rant about pronouns, non‑binary labels, and whether the movement jumped the shark (spoiler: they think it did a triple backflip over it). Verdict: the duo suspects a cocktail of “narcissism” and “participation‑trophy energy.” 🌈🏆
Missionaries, Mystery Pee & the Mormon Multiverse
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Idaho and Utah? Wall‑to‑wall Mormons, according to Jay and Chris.
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They unpack “soaking” (Google at your own risk) and other celestial loopholes.
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Suddenly: breaking news from Portland—someone’s been dropping bottles of liquid yellow suspense into recycling bins. The police are stumped; Jay and Chris can’t stop giggling.
Salmon Take Clobazam, Beat Personal Best
Scientists in Sweden slipped juvenile salmon a sleeper called Clobazam plus a dash of tramadol. Result? The fish zoomed through dams like they’d just chugged espresso. Sounds helpful, right? Nope—messing with migration is the ecological equivalent of moving all the exit signs in a stadium during halftime. 🐟💊
Hooters Flies South for Chapter 11
The once‑mighty “breastaurant” chain filed for bankruptcy, leaving Jay wondering why folks ever paid twelve bucks for wings you can’t even see in the dark. Cue a nostalgic detour to that time he and Chris hit a Windsor, Ontario strip club in ’99, back when gas was cheap and boy bands roamed the earth.
Planes, Trains & “Are We There Yet?”
The gang debates measuring distance in hours instead of miles. Jay would rather drive six hours than fly two, because TSA pat‑downs apparently feel “too much like a second date.”
Bottom Line: From booze‑cruising pilots to medicated salmon, if you crave news with a side of sarcasm, smash that play button and keep your seats back—and stereotypes—upright and locked.
https://people.com/man-leaving-pee-in-portland-recycling-bins-11705960
https://nypost.com/2025/04/11/science/salmon-are-swimming-faster-due-to-painkillers-and-other-drugs-dumped-into-water-study/
https://truthout.org/articles/new-colorado-laws-could-set-national-standard-for-trans-protections/
https://www.thestreet.com/travel/new-chapter-11-bankruptcy-news-exposes-restaurant-chains-problem
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