009: 2020 Was A Freaking Mess!

2020 Was A Freaking Mess!  This is my personal letter to Santa telling him how I wasn't the most impactful parent this year.  This honest and heartfelt letter to "the big man" will make you nod your head in agreement.  2020 wasn't all bad but it definitely was challenging.  I encourage Santa NOT to blame the kids for their behaviors because it wasn't their fault. 2020 was a freaking mess!

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Transcript:

Dear Santa,

I have been a bad mom this year, but I tried my best.   I am hoping that effort counts for something, so I can still make the Good-List.  The pandemic took me entirely out of my comfort zone and routine.  When things shut down in March, I was completely caught off guard.   Sure, I was a little nervous about an invisible virus spreading over the world, but I did my best to hide my fears from the kids.   I think I did a good job of this, but when schools shut down, prom was canceled, and I couldn’t take the kids to the playground anymore- things went downhill.  I tried to keep spirits up in the home, but it was difficult when the kids had a birthday, and I couldn’t throw them a party like I usually do.   Thank God for Amazon; otherwise, there wouldn’t have been any gifts either.   I spent a lot of nights holding my crying and frustrated children.  I didn’t know what to say to them, though. I couldn’t make the circumstances go away.   All I could do was rock them in my arms and tell them that we were all in this together.  

We tried to stay in touch with family and friends by zoom, but that too got old quickly.  I admit, board games, making cookies, and crafts only entertained us for a few months.  After that, the house became a cage of aggressive howler monkeys.  The yelling, the restlessness, the boredom… mounted until kids were hanging off the walls.   I admit that I let them watch too much TV and play too many video games. Don’t hold that against my kids, Santa.  It was my fault.  I ran out of things to do at home, and all my creativity went out the window.  I think Karen across the street has my creativity now.  She seems to come up with the most engaging games for her kids to play in the yard.  Perhaps Karen has my sanity too.  I lost that around August when I thought school would start up again but found out that school was going remote for the first semester.   I try to be a good teacher to my kids, I promise, but I am faking the answers most days.  Apparently, I am NOT smarter than a fifth-grader, after all. Still, I watch the reruns after the kid’s bedtime anyway, hoping it can help! 

Santa, I’m letting my kids sleep in my room and eat ice cream a little too often.  Again, not their fault!  I feel bad that I won’t let them see their friends, all their extracurriculars are canceled, and I can’t even give them an end date to look forward to.  Honestly, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight, and it makes me just as anxious.  I secretly love waking up in the middle of the night and watching them breathe.  They are so peaceful.  All the ice cream cones and candy is just a way of overcompensating for feeling like a mean-mom during the day.  I never wanted to be the “No” mom, but it does seem like “no” is the only word I say anymore.  

To make matters worse, I am dying for some ME time. I know my kids need me, but I am exhausted.  Don’t worry- I couldn’t find a babysitter to work during COVID anyway, and even if I did- where would I go?  What would I do?  Everything is shut down anyway.   It’s better to stay where I am needed and just try to sneak in a bath after bedtime to decompress. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that my kids have been good this year, Santa.  It isn’t their fault that they were irritable and frustrated.  So much was taken away from them, and we were completely thrown out of our routine.   Don’t blame them for hanging from the chandelier and acting like Monkeys.  The sugar cookies and stir-crazy quarantine made them do it.   The kids did the best they could.  I was even so impressed with how little they complained about wearing masks and sanitizing their hands a million times a day.   I think I had a more challenging time keeping my mask on my nose than they did.

Actually, my kids made me so proud.   They taught me how to be more resilient.   When something was taken away from them like a playdate, a school dance, or a sporting event- they cried for a few days but kept moving forward.   Of course, they needed to let out their sadness, but more importantly, it was how they chose to ignore what was taken away and instead focus on what they had.   We may have played more video games than we should have, but we also hugged more this year than we have in a long time.  I’d be lying if I said that I am grateful for 2020, but I would also be lying if I said the whole year was terrible.   My kids deserve great recognition and gifts this year for sure.  Don’t put them on the naughty list, even though from the outside it may not have looked like a year full of stellar behavior.  Considering the circumstances, they were very good.   They were just doing their best, and so was I.  

Maybe you will be coming down the chimney this year, or perhaps you won’t.   I understand if you have to socially distance yourself from us too.  But even if we don’t see you in-person this year, I still wanted you to know that although I might be on the naughty list this year, my kids were fantastic. I hope you understand that 2020 just needs a DO-OVER button with a better instruction manual.  I hope you know.

Sincerely,

This Impactful Parent