Dating and relationships, Post-COVID

The people we surround ourselves with have a major impact on the quality of our life, and I know I’m preaching to the choir when I tell you that choosing a romantic partner can be one of the most crucial decisions we make.

My guest today is Addie Sellers of Circle of Love Coaching. She’s a matchmaker and relationship coach, who has helped hundreds of couples find love over the past decade.

We talk the good, the bad and the ugly of post-COVID dating, why most dating apps suck, and she explains why you should never go on a coffee date.

We also discuss what's up with all of the dating site profile pics that show people holding up fish. It's a real and bizarre thing for both men and women and here's my proof.

 

 

 

Transcript

Addie Sellers

Addie: [00:00:00] The very first thing that we start out with when they have just come out of this relationship that was long term, are values. How do they live? Because, opposites do attract chemistry-wise, but value-wise, they do not.

If you have somebody with a completely different set of rules that they live their life by, it's gonna be a disaster.

This is a joyful rebellion. The podcast that explores that moment, you realize the life and success. You worked so hard to create. Didn't come with all the fulfillment. You thought it would. I'm your host James Walters. And I want you to be the author of your own story. Each week I connect with people who inspire bold answers to the question. What do I do now to create a life I love.

If you were ready to start answering that question for yourself, you're in the right place. So let's start a joyful rebellion.

The people we surround ourselves with have a major impact on the quality of our life. And I know I'm preaching to the choir. When I tell you that choosing [00:01:00] a romantic partner can be one of the most crucial decisions we make. My guest today is Addy sellers of circle of love coaching. She's a matchmaker and relationship coach who has helped hundreds of couples find love over the past decade.

We talk the good, the bad and the ugly of post COVID dating. Y most dating apps suck and she explains why you should never go on a coffee date.

James: Addie, tell me because obviously you, graduated high school, you went straight into matchmaking school got your relationship

Addie: It's a it's eight years. Eight years of schooling.

James: Whoa.

Addie: a lot of time and money. It's insane. But,

James: And you came out with a master's degree in matchmaking? No. So. it's probably not a straight line

Addie: No, not at all.

James: do what you do. And you've been doing it for over 10 years now.

Addie: Yes. Love it. I mean, I live and breathe it, but I was 19 when I went to a place called Premier [00:02:00] Education Schools. It's for families of troubled teens and they basically train you in communication.

And I did take some psychology in college, and it's a lot of that, they're very congruent. But all of these families that were split apart for different reasons some of them violence, some of them drug and alcohol abuse, some of them, marriages breaking apart It all boiled down to communication. And I loved it so much, it transformed my family and I thought I want to do this. So I went to the school and became certified to be a facilitator for that school, and ended up having a baby very young. Okay. So I could not travel all the time with a newborn.

Their schools were in Jamaica and California everywhere. So, I just went into what I knew. I knew the restaurant business. I'd grown up in it, I started managing restaurants. But in my free time, I had friends or family members that would complain about dating and how tough it was out there. So I'd be like, I I know a really great guy. and I'd set them up and they would stay [00:03:00] together or get married. And I was hooked at that point. And then I realized, oh, this is not, there's no good guys out there. There's no good girls. It's, they're not thinking about their values.

They're not thinking about their communication. They're just going out there willy-nilly and they were having success. So I was really addicted to that aspect of it. So I just started I called 50 matchmakers around the country, asked them how they ran their businesses. They were all vastly different.

No two were alike. The prices were all over the place. The interview process and how they set people up. some, I agreed with, some I didn't. So I really kind of had to make it my own. And my first year was really rough. my contract went from being like a paragraph long to three pages because of Yeah,

James: Yeah. Because not given proper guidance,

Addie: I've learned this whenever I was very young Not everyone thinks like me. So what I think is abundantly obvious not to say or do on a date, someone else thinks this is a great idea.

James: put myself out

Addie: Mm-hmm.

James: What would be a good example of hard lesson learned with the contract? something that

you get the [00:04:00] phone call or the email and you say, yeah, that's going in the contract next week.

Addie: The first thing was drinking. Because even though someone has a high tolerance, let's say they can have three drinks and a couple hours, four drinks it still looks bad to their date. So that was the immediate thing that I added. No more than two drinks on the first date. It alters you no matter what.

It creates all these assumptions and the other person even if it's just a one time thing, maybe you're just really nervous and just wanna get loose on the date so that you can feel more like yourself. It still leaves a really bad taste when they're meeting you for the first time.

So that was the first thing.

James: yeah, I think if you've got the nervous jitters, having, I don't know, a compromised level of

Addie: right?

James: yourselves is probably not the way to go. Maybe meditate before the date, something, anything.

Addie: phone a friend, do something.

James: wanna be your best self. so your typical profile of one of your clients, are they looking for some of their first relationships? Are they getting out of a relationship and looking for a [00:05:00] better relationship and getting your guidance?

Addie: So I would say the thing that everyone has in common when they come to me, it's not an age thing. it's not, people are always in their forties or thir, you know, sometimes they're in their early twenties sometimes.

I've had a client that's 72 that got married. And it doesn't have anything to do with job title or education or anything like that, but usually I'm people's last resort. So they've tried everything before they come to me. And I think most people that come to a matchmaker are, they're just ready.

They're ready for something different. They want somebody to be with them through this dating journey. It can be brutal alone. so they're all really ready for a long-term monogamous relationship, whatever that means to them. It could be marriage or it could be, they might not even live in the same home, but this is their forever person.

So they're all in that place of, I've done everything else. This is it. I really want a chance at love. So I would say they all have that in common.

James: And when they come to you, I can totally see where maybe they're the last of their friends to [00:06:00] get that ring. Or guess better way to say it. All of their friends maybe they were in college with, they've got the ring and they're married, maybe started having kids and they start to look around and think, oh, it's just me left.

And. I have heard from a few people, it's hard for those folks to talk to their friends and maybe complain I would think you could be isolated pretty easily until you meet someone like yourself who can

Addie: Oh, I've seen it and heard it all. So, even though, and people say this all the time when they, you've never heard a story like mine, and maybe not, maybe the details are unique, but somebody has been through it.

I promise you, you're not alone, you're not damaged, there is someone out there. and I think it's important to share your experience so you can move on past it.

James: When people do come to you and say, Hey, Addie, you're my last resort. Or I've. Feel like I've tried everything. What are their typical frustration?

What have they gone through? What have they've tried and failed? And is there any commonality

Addie: Oh, sure. usually, I've noticed that there's four behavioral patterns with [00:07:00] people. some common complaints would be they see the same person on every dating website. It's the same four or five people over and over again that are popping up and they're not really interested in them. I've had people say that potential dates are after their money. Potential dates are only after the physical.

They only want intimacy and nothing else. I've had a lot of people say that the caliber of person that they're meeting, either online dating with their friends, it's just not what they want it to be. Okay, it's kind of a harsh way to say that, but those are the common complaints that you get.

Or there's these people thrown in that are deceptive or have drug and alcohol abuse issues you know, there's all these triggering things that they've dealt with through dating, through friends and online dating

James: And they come to you to,

Addie: to,

James: Act as a filter.

Addie: Totally. And typically somebody that's gonna do a background check and an interview with a matchmaker, then they pay for their background check, it gets rid of the riff raff,

James: me about the background. was that one of the first things you started [00:08:00] doing?

Addie: from the beginning. Okay. I knew because, I feel like I have a good read of people Most of the time. But it's not foolproof. I've interviewed people and had no idea that they were horrible and gotten their background check back and was completely blown away.

James: wow.

Addie: Wow.

James: And to the point, maybe you called him up and said, Hey did I get your middle name right with this? Because I just need to make sure.

Addie: one was a former police officer and he said it was so political and had become something that he didn't love anymore. And so he always wanted to own his own business.

and I believed him and I did tell him that I did a background check. He paid me right there after I did his interview. Went home couple days later, got the background check back and it was. Some of the most atrocious things you've ever seen, abuse of a certain kind with boys.

And I called him and I said, I don't know why you would do this. I told you I was gonna do a background check. I just can't set a woman up with this whole situation. you know, I [00:09:00] tore up your check.

And he said I'm gonna go to Christian Mingle where they don't judge people.

James: Oh boy.

Addie: So that just tells you, oh, what can be on those sides? Wow. But

James: because it is the wild west out there

Addie: is. You can create a completely new persona. but not everyone's like that.

So it's either someone very deceptive that can curate this whole profile that is not them, or it's people that just are not, in reality, they're good people. they'll describe themselves as hysterical and charming and successful and, you go out with them and they're very introverted and strange and it's not that they're bad and it's not that they're trying to trick you.

It's just that they don't see themselves the way that the world does. So it's hard to describe yourself when you're in that state.

That is fascinating.

James: it seems like it would take a ton of energy. To project something

Addie: It's exhausting.

James: not you, and then try to go live up to it one date at a time

Addie: never works out. It, they, it, the cracks start happening usually around the three month [00:10:00] mark and

James: I've read that actually. Yeah. People can put up a front for about 90 days. Yeah. That's fascinating. Now, when it comes to people who have been in a pretty long term relationship, five years, 10 years, maybe they were married for 20 years and

Addie: All

James: dust has settled on the separations everybody's back to neutral, but they start to that little tug of being lonely and they want someone to share life's adventure with, so they turn to you I would imagine there's some point where they look at you and say, oh my gosh, they just, things are so different than when I was dating, you know, 15 years ago.

Addie: Yeah.

James: What are the biggest differences and even

Addie: you

James: you became a matchmaker over a decade ago, it was really different.

Just social dynamics, technology, all of it. What have you seen change and has it changed for the better or has it changed for the more challenging?

Addie: I feel life is beautiful and that people are wonderful and inherently kind and good. I will say the biggest thing, and I hate blaming Covid, I really do.

I don't think [00:11:00] any one thing can just, you know, magically change people, but it did isolate people and it changed the social dynamic Things that I do now I've never had to do before, and trying to get someone out on a date, they're very protective over their time. I don't wanna go out and meet them if I don't know if I'm attracted to them or not.

I'm like well, you're not gonna know unless you go. Yeah. And it's also very selfish. I just watched this documentary on Netflix, Jonah Hills therapist. Have you seen that yet?

James: I haven't,

Addie: there's like a pyramid of when you're doing your best, and I think the second layer to that pyramid is giving someone else your time. it could just be a friend that you donate a little time to.

And if you can't spend an hour getting to know a stranger, then you don't need to date. And sometimes I have to do a song and dance to get people out on a date, whereas I never had to before. So that has,

James: asking them to do the thing that they are paying you to help them [00:12:00] do.

Addie: It's not a sure thing. they're on the fence about them.

James: Okay. I've got a, I've got a question about that. It, do you find that there's a certain age group associated with that attitude?

Addie: No. It's all over the board.

James: And you think Covid brought that about?

Addie: definitely heightened it for sure. Okay.

Like I've had people make complaints about a picture or something, you know, he looks, too much like this or making assumptions on a photo. But this is to the point where it's ridiculous.

James: you do have to be there in person. I mean, I've been a photographer. for 30 years. Nothing about a photo is real. I mean, seriously, way before filters, or way before all this stuff, I mean, think about back in the eighties ads where wanted to show like a before and after, and the, before the not so great thing, they put it in bad lighting, they put it in black and white.

Those weren't filters. That was just camera tricks. And then I see this a lot in

Addie: makeup.

James: ads where they do the

Addie: Oh, they look like they're wearing a mask. It's

James: they just yeah it's crazy because they just put them in bad light. I saw [00:13:00] one last week. It was for teeth whitening, and they had a before on the left, and the person had really yellow teeth, and then they put one on the right.

The person had beautiful sparkly smile. If you really looked at the person, same person, right? But if you really looked at the one on the left, their skin was super yellow too. Like the whole picture was yellow. And on the right, there wasn't all the yellow in their skin and all, everything else. I don't know that their teeth maybe even changed very much, but the picture was different. even if it's a wonderful picture, the person looks amazing. You gotta make sure they smell great and

Addie: my gosh,

James: carry themselves

Addie: so much. And I have a real issue with you not being able to find something attractive in another person. Nothing about them was attractive when you met them. You've gotta be kidding me. and the only way to know that is to meet them.

And just think of it this way. It's good for you to do that and to not make it about yourself and go, I'm gonna really try to get to know this person and I'm gonna be a great time for them. And that's it. That's, that should be your goal. And then if [00:14:00] a second date happens out of that because you two hit it off, then

James: right? That's when you start to get picky. Right On that second day. Yeah. Get picky on the second date then, you know,

Pickier as you go. that leads me to my next question, which is what do you suggest for people, for venue, for that first meeting? Because I have read a couple of books from author.

They're both guys, but they say Doing a coffee date, doing a lunch date, doing something really non-committal sounds great until you realize that it's a really quick way to get into the friend zone and destroy things before it happens.

Addie: I know that you guys think that's it, but it's so true. whoever wrote that as a hundred percent correct.

tell me more.

I have never, I think maybe once one of those has worked out, in 10 years. Okay. and it's not as much, it being casual, it's okay to be casual. You can just go to have a glass of wine or a tea or coffee or whatever. That's okay. It's just in the evening is better.

Something about the [00:15:00] evening it's more intimate. You know, there's more of a possibility for romance. And I know it sounds silly, but the, you know, the data doesn't lie. It's really true.

James: that's really good that, that's been confirmed because there's another author who uh, read his book. He said the same exact thing, but in my personal experience, I had someone say, Hey, let's go grab coffee. Let's go grab coffee. And finally I just had to say to her, look, I reserve coffee. And lunch to develop my business relationships, my platonic relationships.

And those work great because, you know, those are a little more surface level. 30 minutes of talking, it starts to kick in the back of our minds. Okay, I've got other responsibilities I have to attend to today. I've still got work stuff to go on. And oh yeah. By the way, I gotta pick my kid up from school.

And so, yeah, let's wrap this up.

Addie: we do pick up on frequencies. I don't care if people believe it or not, you can tell what kind of mood someone's in, you can pick up on it without them saying a word when you're meeting in the middle of, you know, the rush hour.

And people, like you said, [00:16:00] having business meetings and lunch with friends. I mean, you can feel it. Yeah. And yeah, I totally agree.

James: let's talk about dating websites. I am gonna start with a word association

Addie: Oh.

James: and you just fill in the blank from there. We may edit this out later. I don't know. But I'll say shit show and you say,

Addie: tender,

James: okay. You

Addie: like that? Apply the

dating

James: start with the whole thing feels that way. And I do remember when we first talked months and months ago were talking about how a matchmaker like yourself navigates in a world full of pulling out your phone and you've got access to dozens of these. Now, it sounds like just from the first couple of things we talked about, some of those apps are so overwhelming to people that they just need a trusted guide like yourself.

Yes.

Addie: And a lot of people that I work for don't wanna put their face out there for the world to see. With a matchmaker, you have [00:17:00] anonymity.

Yeah. Where with these dating sites, not only are you putting your picture out there, but it's very vulnerable. I'm proud of you for being vulnerable, but it's also it can be embarrassing. I had a horrible experience myself, trying online dating when I was young.

James: when I've tried it once or twice, I do bump into people who I know, and I was like, oh, they're single now. Okay. I, the last time I saw them, they were happily married. Oh, that's cool. so, yeah, you start to get a little different picture of yourself and what you're willing to put out there.

And

What are some of the worst

Addie: dating

James: app? You know, types of stories not specific stories, but is it people getting catfished? Is it people just getting completely ghosted getting stood up?

Addie: I think the most common complaint would be people not giving someone a chance because of the age that they have. That can be like a common thing where she's gorgeous, but because she put her truthful age down.

they filter it out. [00:18:00] Guys will only wanna see 30 to 50 year olds, so she's 53 and doesn't get, never even pops up on their feet. So a lot of people complain about just getting lost completely based on

James: What group is getting lost right now, would you say?

Addie: I think fifties and sixties is tough.

I mean, seventies is just like nonexistent, you know, it's really hard. I think our time is a great dating website, but I've had complaints from clients that there's a lot of scams on there. They give you these sob stories, these older ladies they even meet these guys, but then they'll call, and my power's gonna get cut off.

I need you to pay my power bill.

James: Whoa.

Addie: So I would say people getting lost kind of in the algorithm kind of thing of online dating based on age. Another big thing is what we've already talked about, which is are filters and outdated photos and. The frustration and anger and just disappointment that a guy or girl feels when they show up.

And you, your pictures from 20 years ago and also [00:19:00] what was the end game? You know?

James: when.

Addie: I mean, cuz I,

James: gonna happen

Addie: a lot of the, it's happens to mostly men that I hear from the women or the ones doctoring their photos or it's a really old photo. And I've had men actually say to the women, I don't wanna hurt you and I'm not interested in dating you because you don't look anything like your photo.

Why do you do it to yourself? You know? Wow. So that's a big one that happens with online dating. So scams age things, filters and outdated photos.

James: I have to know what's, with all the pictures of people holding up fish.

it's not specific to men or women because I start screenshotting this

Addie: I'm fun, I'm outdoorsy. Look, I can hang with the

James: up a Brock or a a leaf

Addie: same James, I also think it's very monkey see, monkey do. I think that's kind of how trends start in general.

Yeah. And this fish thing has been going on

James: Has it really?

Addie: Oh my [00:20:00] God. Another thing is the sunglasses thing. Not only are they, do they have a fish in their profile picture, but they also have sunglasses. Oh. You can't see their face. I mean,

James: I immediately have to x anything with sunglass because as a photographer, I know you take the sunglasses. Everyone and during c o learned the opposite of this.

Addie: right? Yeah.

James: you saw everyone's eyes. And then I remember I was going to this one place during Covid, and of course I had never seen these people before. And I kept going back and we all had masks on, and then by the time the mask stuff got relaxed and I saw their actual face, I was like, huh, I never imagined that nose for you. And now I'm a little uncomfortable, and so I'll never see you the same again. I wondered if for the men, if holding up a fish or whatever they do, is it like, I'll provide and then with the women is like, whatever you catch, I'll cook it.

I

Addie: don't know.

it's it's literally, I mean, I've asked point blank cuz one time a guy sent me, I, I usually ask for three, at least [00:21:00] one body shot in there, but try to gimme three photos and every one of 'em had a fish in 'em. And I said, what is up with that?

And that's what he said. I'm fun, I'm outdoorsy. I'm just trying to,

James: that's fun. Okay. Now, you know, Amer Yeah. Fish. I could think of a thousand fun things

Addie: hold in a picture.

James: that would not be a fish. Yeah,

Addie: Yeah.

James: I definitely, definitely could. Now I remember because you post anybody who's interested in that, you've gotta go to Addie's Instagram or your Facebook because you post a lot.

And I really appreciate that because I look at it and say, oh, that makes perfect sense. I wouldn't have thought about that. But I remember one time you posted and it just made me shake my head and kind of laugh, but also wonder you must get asked to do some weird stuff that you have to turn down, but you had this guy contact you and he wanted you to find his next sugar

Addie: Oh yeah.

James: You gotta tell that story because that and whatever else people. Ask you to do that, [00:22:00] you have to politely decline.

Addie: yeah, they all kind of start out the same, you know, I just can't find any women out there that want to be taken care of.

And then, you know, that's always a curious way to say that you're looking for a girlfriend. I'm like, okay. And then it just starts talking about All the things that he has and all the things he does, and the lifestyle that he has and what he wants to provide for. I want her to spend all day at the tennis club and then it's, you know, can't you get me, a 21 year old or a 22 year old girl that would be interested in this?

and

James: Like they're ordering from a menu.

Addie: but there are sites out there for that. I think people get confused when they hear matchmaker. some people think they're either like, like a palm reader, like I'm like, I'm some sort of fortune teller or an escort service and it's neither,

James: Yeah.

Addie: So that has happened over the years and I've had people sign up and really shock me. That's why I go over in the interview before I ever walk away. I'll show them pictures, people that I like for them [00:23:00] before I ever walk away because, Who would think that a 65 year old man would only be attracted to, 25 to 30 year olds.

but it's out there, you know, but it's just not what I do. Exactly.

James: right That's an interesting point you brought up because I don't watch the news very much and I don't keep up with what's going on in the world, especially in the world of celebrities, but I was traveling about three weeks ago, and get exposed to TVs in the airport and all these things.

So I see a little bit of news and people were losing their minds about. Leonardo DiCaprio, I had to look up his age. He's 48 and he's dating a 19 year old. Is that still okay? Is that

Addie: yeah. I mean,

James: that's still like a thing people do.

Addie: I don't really have any judgment about people that do that because.

That works for them, I guess you could say she's an adult. I learned the other day that women's brains aren't fully formed until they're 26, so it's

James: God, that must put men up to well, in their mid thirties

Addie: I think it was [00:24:00] like 30, maybe I don't refer men, but,

so it's you know, and I remember where I was at 19, so it would be tough to say that's a great choice, but it is ultimately her choice.

think it's very clear what that relationship's gonna be. he's not proposing, he's not trying to have babies. They're both very clear when they enter into it. So I don't have an issue with it. It's just as a matchmaker, there's no way I would ever set those two up.

James: but it's repeat business. Addie,

Addie: Oh, that's true.

James: I mean, come on.

It's like you

Addie: I gotta

James: I'm gonna set you up with this guy who never wants to get married or have kids. I know you're not even quite that age yet, but come back to me in six

Addie: Yeah. Yeah. I don't have an assembly line of people that wanna do that, but Yeah. But I mean, I would never do it. I would never set someone up like that, but if they want to, that's,

James: Yeah, that's their thing. So this whole podcast is called a Joyful Rebellion, because as I was telling you earlier, it's about that time in people's lives

where

they've worked hard to build a successful life, [00:25:00] and whatever success. Looked like to them or what they thought it was going to look like, whether that's a happy family, whether that's a career, whether that's having a boat and a cooler and enough money to fill it up every weekend and just relax.

it looks different for everyone. But the joyful rebellion part is when people do work

Addie: that

James: success and then they look around and realize it doesn't fill them up.

Addie: Right.

James: then the whole question that the podcast hopes to answer someday is what do you do next?

Addie: I like what you said.

It doesn't fill them up because I say that all the time. No one thing will. And that's point too about a relationship. everybody wants 10 to 15 things in a match, but that's really hard. that would be very hard for one person to fill you up.

James: I was just gonna ask sometimes the joyful rebellion that a person has is to get out of a relationship that doesn't fill them up. So When you start working with people like that, what are some of the first conversations that you have? Because obviously they weren't happy in their former [00:26:00] situation. They learned a

Addie: mm-hmm.

James: They grew, maybe their partner didn't, and maybe that's why they're talking to you. They're looking for someone. So how do you start the process of guiding them to where they want to?

Addie: the very first step is to really evaluate how they spend their time and what values they live by. And when I say values, I mean are they a person of integrity? Is that very important to them? Are they security focused?

is their financial state really important to them? does it drive them? Are they family oriented? I mean, we get very specific because. That relationship ended, but it started when they were probably a much different person. So when we discuss what were the qualities of your match before, of your partner before, and when I say, what drew you to that person? They're like, I don't know. I was a completely different person back then. So these were the things that I liked about her, was just in a phase of her life where that's who she was.

And so we establish who they [00:27:00] are now because a lot of people feel disoriented when they've left a relationship and they want love, and they know what they're physically attracted to, but that's not always long term. So we discuss values and then goals, where they want to be in their life and.

Really, the basic things about religion and politics and that thing. But the very first thing that we start out with when they have just come out of this relationship that was long term, are values. How do they live? Because, opposites do attract chemistry-wise, but value-wise, they do not.

If you have somebody with a completely different set of rules that they live their life by, it's gonna be a disaster.

James: yeah. That's an interesting time of life to start, but that's what this whole podcast is about, is the fact that you can start over, you can start again. You can reinvent yourself as many times as you want to or need to

Addie: yeah. Just, you just have to want it. Yeah. I can't drag the boat anchor for you, you know what I mean?

James: That brings me to this. When you do get people who come to you you're a matchmaker, but you're a relationship coach, so you can set them [00:28:00] up and then they can tell you everything that happened, and then you can help them understand maybe what they did right, maybe what they did wrong. Is there a particular piece of advice you find yourself giving people a

Addie: and over and over?

James: they say, yeah, Addie, I got it. That's cool. I got that on lockdown. And then they come back and they explain to you the situation and you say, Hey, remember when I told you

And

you ignored it? You what would fill in that blank?

Addie: Oh, gosh. Assumptions. The assumptions that people make. And it's a human thing. It's not a man or woman thing. It's , doesn't matter what age you are, your brain, it's set up to assess threats. So when you just first meet someone, you don't know them very well, so you don't know, oh, that was just a silly comment that he made.

you have a, quick trigger finger on a date. So somebody will say something like yeah, my ex and I get along really great. Heck, we even have Thanksgiving dinner with the kids together. and what their goal was on the date was to basically say you're entering into a very healthy environment.

You don't have to worry about my ex being [00:29:00] crazy and us having

James: issues.

No baby mama drama

Addie: What they took home to me was. In love with his ex. He's not ready for a relationship. And it's every day, James. I mean, and that's just one example. But like I said, it's a man woman thing. It's an all age group thing.

It's assumptions. You cannot know whether what you just thought about that person is the truth. And if you can stop yourself, unless it's something really outside of your values, like way outside of if he said something like, yeah I curse God

James: every

day

Addie: or something, you know what I mean? And if you're a Christian, but if you're just looking for things and conversation to protect yourself, you're going to make up assumptions, which are ultimately lies about that person.

You're missing out on somebody really

James: beautiful. Yeah.

And if you want to really throw gasoline on that fire, start texting back and forth

Addie: yeah. you

James: hear The

tone. You Nothing

Addie: God, yeah. I stopped letting people exchange numbers before the first date because They would think I already know

James: Whisper person

Addie: is, I'm not gonna waste my time.

Right?

James: And then depending on the day you're [00:30:00] having, you'll read either the text in a happy voice or, and not so happy voice. And you haven't even met this person

yet. And some people are just

Addie: it's

James: terrible at texting.

Addie: If you can stop yourself and say you know, say you say something to me oh, that's an attractive girl. And then I'll think we don't look alike, so he doesn't find me attractive.

He thinks I'm fat. He's a, you said that, I mean, these are the things that happen. If you can stop yourself and say, is that true? You repeat the statement, just one statement at a time. Don't try to stack a bunch of feelings that you're having just one statement at a time. Is that true? And if you say yes how do you know it's true and you don't?

You haven't asked him. you just enjoy your time. Enjoy the little moments that you have. Try to find something attractive in that person. But the assumptions, can kill a first date, it can kill a one year relationship. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

James: Is there a magic number you've found that I know there's no magic bullets. There's no

Addie: There's no magic.

James: Man, hopefully there's

magic

there's magic in all of this stuff. [00:31:00] But when it comes to a number you set people up on dates you know enough about them and about the person they're going out

Addie: with

Right. to

James: get things kicked off in the best way possible.

Is there kind of like a magic number of dates before they would know if they

Addie: want

to move

James: into something a little more

Addie: exclusive?

You know, it can be as quick as date one where they're both just really excited.

James: they're Just,

just roll up on, up into Vegas

and

lock

Addie: down

Yeah. Once a month I'll have a client sign up and it'll be date number one and then they're done. Wow. You know, but I think statistically it's around date three when they know where they're just like, yeah, I'm done seeing other people.

James: that's kind of tricky because For it to really work. They

Addie: They have to

burn that. Yes.

But it happens. There's just something, and I'll tell you what, if they both show up in the same state, they're excited, they're ready to spend time. there's always a connection.

There's always that possibility of this could be it for me when one's not sure and the other one's [00:32:00] excited they never connect and I wish I could say it's my skill as a matchmaker why I've had success in setting people up, but I sometimes I think it's a God thing and a timing thing.

I think it really it's a lot of chance and a lot of, where's your head at, know, what state are you in before you are meeting people? Yeah.

James: When you get those feedback, because that's the cool thing. You get to hear the

Addie: feedback

James: from the day and you get to hear it from both

of them, right?

Addie: So

which is crucial.

James: yeah. What do you do with that?

Addie: I always give it to the person. Okay. Now I might leave out details. Okay. You

know,

James: my next

Addie: next,

James: question. Like how many,

Addie: you know, he was disgusting. He picked his note, you know, whatever the detail is that they don't need to know. Right. Typically, people don't believe me, unless they've had the same feedback three times from three different people.

James: oh, like your cologne's too strong, dial that

back,

Addie: she, I got recently, I had a girl that really bright. She was kind of wound tight in her interview, but very [00:33:00] quickly loosened up. But I'm not her date setting her up on dates. These men were very different, vastly different. know, one's an analytical chemist, other one is a salesperson, and they all said the same thing each time she was shut down, she was rude.

She seemed irritated and like she didn't wanna be there. These are exact words from three different men. And it took, three different times of her hearing it to go. Okay. And in that case, time to get some coaching. There's nothing wrong with you, it's just you're in your head if.

People are picking up on your behavior as being negative, quote unquote. You're not thinking clearly you're in a state. You're, all wound up in those assumptions. Yeah. Okay.

So typically three times before somebody actually listens.

James: This rolls us into what my next question was gonna be. What are the three biggest complaints you most hear from women about men? You know, the ones that come up the most and then from men about the women they're dating. If there were three that you

Addie: you could just

James: [00:34:00] Count on out of a hundred people, it's gonna be like 50, 60%.

Addie: I get feedback a lot that men are not masculine enough.

Okay.

which is funny because women have become so much more masculine. Yeah. That it's, you know, you gotta kind of make room for him to be able to do that. And so I do hear that for feedback. He was not masculine enough. Another thing is I don't think he's very serious.

He doesn't seem like he really wants a relationship. He doesn't know where he is in life. he doesn't seem clear about what he wants. And then the third thing for men is probably not driven enough, not purposeful. So you don't have to make a ton of money, But I think you have to have some sort of drive.

And that might go back to the masculinity thing. I'm not really sure if those are two different things. The same thing, but

James: One flows into the other for sure. Yeah.

Addie: So that's feedback that I get a lot.

James: That's interesting. I've done a

Addie: lot

of

James: reading books and I've done, not research necessarily,

Addie: but[00:35:00]

James: the generations that have been raised since the baby boomers.

Really, baby boomers were the first generation that were

Addie: predominantly

James: raised

by

women. So where the men and the boys were raised by, Female school teachers, that was the generation that no longer went to work on the farm with their dads

Addie: Yes. if they were

James: boy

because their dads now worked either at a factory or they're, they worked at a, an office or something like that.

And then of course, there was the war in there that disrupted that, where the women were left behind a deal with everything. Right?

Addie: so

James: it was that generation that started the slide where men had to figure out how to keep all of the women around them happy. And they learned skills that maybe weren't quite so masculine to be able to cope with that.

But I think you hit it on the head. It's one of those things that it's been slowly eroding over the last 70 years.

Addie: and you can't have

James: both,

Addie: know, you can't have,

James: But on the flip side, women have been [00:36:00] expected. Two take on more masculine roles in society. They,

Addie: Agreed. But I will say I love this fact, but persona is the word in Latin for personality and persona means to wear a.

James: Oh, and

Addie: so if you aren't changing your masks, depending on the situation that you're in, then you just, it that's not very intelligent. You can get so much further. And if you want a man, if you want a masculine guy, then whatever you use to get through your day at work or with the children, you know, whatever time to take it off.

And I think it's not manipulative, it's just, if that's what you want. If you want a really masculine, assertive driven guy, then you gotta give him a little room. But

James: Now did

we talk about

the feedback from men

Addie: from for women? Yeah. Men are so driven by looks. And that's not fair completely because women are as well. But I would say feedback that I get from men a lot about women are they, these women don't look like they're photos. Even [00:37:00] if I've seen these women in person and they're very attractive women, very beautiful.

They still do look different than their photos. I realized the other day whenever I was doing a TikTok video that they put an automatic filter on my videos.

Oh, wow.

okay. I didn't even know. Like I thought you had to choose it. was like, wow, I look really nice.

And then I realized, oh my God, they just automatically put a filter. So I think we're getting so accustomed to just doctoring our photos so much and they don't realize that men notice.

James: Yeah. And also, a woman in a ponytail and running outfit looks like a totally different person. When the makeup comes

Addie: on,

Oh, for

sure.

James: and the heels go on and you're like, wait,

Addie: a lot of men say that she wasn't very sweet. I think everybody wants a kind person, I'm not really sure how these women are expressing themselves on the date, but there's something, the kindness is not coming through on the date.

So if women could work on that and just being very giving and open and just their sweet selves maybe he wasn't attracted to you at first, but he [00:38:00] will be now. I mean, that's a really key component. And women are looking for that too. But men really are looking for a sweet, kind person. I don't really know about the third thing that men say a lot about women.

James: so it sounds like women have a lot more

Addie: complaints

Oh my gosh. Oh, tenfold for sure. For sure.

I think men notice details. Like women think, oh, he doesn't notice this, or he does,

he's just not communicating it.

Yeah, it's very internal. So maybe these men are noticing things that are consistent on these dates, but they're just, they're like, that's probably just a me thing. I mean, they self-edit a lot, which is good and bad. It's great because they're not blaming another person for how they're perceiving them, or, Hey, that girl wasn't for me, but she can do her, you know, she can just be who she wants to be.

It's not for me to critique.

James: Do you find with your younger clients you have a little harder time because maybe they don't have as much life experience? They haven't been around as many people, and so they're oh I liked them, and the relationship [00:39:00] maybe goes on for a while until they realize, this one thing was a non-negotiable, but I didn't realize that

Addie: until yeah.

James: we were a little ways down the

Addie: road,

I think because of the type of service that it is, it's kind of more on the serious side. I think you get very mature people. So even my younger clients they have their stuff together basically. So I have not experienced that with my younger clients that they're really unsure, they're really excited, and they know what they want.

James: that's cool. Now, we've been talking this whole time about men dating

Addie: women

being mm-hmm.

James: men.

There's a whole nother world

Addie: out

there

Yes.

That

James: doesn't include that. there's a big community of people who want to find love and it's not women looking

Addie: for

Yeah. The LGBTQ plus. I have had only two gay clients in 10 years. One that was a woman and one that was a man. They were both in happy relationships after we finished together. it was a success, but it was very hard. It's a different [00:40:00] culture.

and because I don't have a database of people, I just basically had to start from scratch. And if I had more of a database and had more gay people in my service, I think I would work for gay people more. I just don't have the people that I need to set them up. I did have two different people that were transgender that I'd interviewed, and I have a therapist that works for me and he's very kind and I'll call him from time to time and say, I don't know how to handle this.

I don't know what I should do. So I had this unique person, she transitioned to be a male, but was only attracted to gay women. So more on the masculine side. This is what she wanted. or no, it was a man that had transitioned to a woman but liked gay women. So it was just very confusing and I told the therapist about it and he said, this is very tricky.

And he said, I think the only way that you're gonna be able to have a successful relationship for that person is if you find someone that has been through their [00:41:00] exact

James: journey,

Oh,

Addie: that they've transitioned that this is what they're looking for. It may be then, but it's just it's really, it's complicated and I feel for those folks, I really do.

Everyone should be able to make their own choices and live their life. And it's hard enough to find love as it is with all these extra layers. So I feel for them, but I think that would be the only way that I would be able to set someone up like that. I'd have to find someone that has been through the exact same journey and that also shares their values and that they're attracted to.

So it's tough.

James: I would imagine it, would be that needle in a

Addie: step. Totally. Totally. And it happens, you know, there, there are people that find love that have been through that,

James: Yeah. I really appreciate this talk. we've got one more little lightning round thing coming up. I didn't give you these questions,

before we get into that, I want for you to tell people how they can connect with you to learn more about relationship coaching, to learn more about matchmaking, to

Addie: really

James: get a sense of what it is you can do

Addie: be

So I have a website, it's circle of love [00:42:00] coaching.com, and they can go there.

I do have a TikTok and that is also Addie Sellers Circle of Love Coaching. But you can reach out to me through my website. It has all of my contact information and the different packages that I offer. And you can always do a consultation and sometimes people don't know what they need, so we do a consult that we can talk about where they've been and where they want to go.

James: I love what you do because even in these post covid years where people have realized we can do so much through technology, I can't get it off of my socials, talking about all the great stuff with AI and the things that it's bringing, but people still want human connection.

They want to bond with someone, they want to feel special to another person. And. You can't substitute that with technology. And so that's what we're here talking about. And

Addie: It's a bandaid.

Yeah.

You know, if we were in another pandemic and you needed to talk to friends and family, or connect with someone or try to, you know, it's a bandaid.

It's the form of communication, but it's nothing like face-to-face.

James: for [00:43:00] sure. Which is why I wanted to be here

face to

face with you. we are not on a date obviously, because we're in the middle of the afternoon at a coffee shop. So this is the least romantic. Just if you take anything away

Addie: Yeah. We're friends now. Who knows what we could have been if you'd gone to dinner, James. I know

James: it, we would look pretty weird at dinner with all this podcast equipment though.

Oh, you gotta admit. again, thank you so much and I've got

Addie: just.

James: Four little questions here for you. And we're just gonna do rapid fire. First thing that comes into your mind, but what is your biggest pet peeve about anything

Addie: in life?

Oh, I think really just ill manners. you know, if you if you're not aware that you're being rude to someone or just lack of awareness is a pet peeve of mine. what are you binging on Netflix

right now?

Ooh, oh, I don't know if it's Netflix, but I

just, Or what do you think? Um, mayor, mayor of Kingstown.

Mayor of

Kingstown. Yeah.

James: What's that

Addie: outta the house? It's just, it takes you to a whole nother world. It's. Violent and awful, and

James: It's how

Addie: I know[00:44:00]

James: All right. Are you team Fruity Pebbles or Team Cocoa

Addie: Puffs?

Fruity Pebbles. All the way.

James: I like it. You get that rainbow milk at the end. It's good stuff. What is the best advice you've ever received from

Addie: someone

I think it was something like basically, when you stop setting goals and stop striving for something, you're dead. So just like what you were saying before where you think you've managed to get success and you're still not filled up, it's because you should never reach your pinnacle.

You should always be trying to reach for higher things, or even just asking, you know, God to take you places where your imagination can't go yet. You know, just being really open. That was some really good advice that I got.

James: that is great

Addie: advice.

James: That's really good. Thank you so much for sharing everything today, I

really appreciate the conversation and I can't wait to follow up with you in maybe a year or

so.

And let's see what's different out there in the world of

Addie: Sold my business and living in The Bahamas.

Oh, that

James: be fun. I definitely would want to hear about that. Thank you again and talk

Addie: soon.

[00:45:00] Thank you, James.

Thank you so much for joining me today and be sure to come back next week. Oh, and can I ask a favor? I love connecting with people who have either led their own joyful rebellion or professionals who help others through that journey. So if you know someone like that, there's a big yellow button on the homepage@ajoyfulrebellion.com. I'd really appreciate you reaching out with a suggestion or introduction.

Thanks again, and I'll see you back here next week.